Alcoholic Stories #8: Coping with anger issues aka have you ever been so angry you black-out?

“We have no skills. We drink. Furthermore, on that note: if drinking was a skill, I'd be really good at it. Like phenomenal.“ -Anonymous drunk

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I’ve mentioned quite a few times that I’ve developed anger management issues over the time, but this is only relatively recent thing. This is also the sole reason why I almost stopped drinking. But before we get to the good part lets have a slight look back to past.

It wasn’t always like this

I was raised properly, despite the fact that my mother had little spare time from having two jobs, but I was always well spoken and with good manners. I was never a real rebel in school, I was rather an outcast. I silent one at it. Kept to myself. I had NEVER been angry for my first 16 years. No fights with parents at home, no typical puberty issues, despite being otherwise quite the trouble, which you can look up from past episodes. Point being that I was calm. Really calm. But over the time the more I started drinking the more it altered my behavior.

Have you ever been so angry you just black-out?

My drinking cycle has always been the following: become happy, become social, get dizzy, get sleepy, make no sense, disappear (home/girlfriend/hotel to sleep). Obviously the first two stages I’ve always been very enjoyable and that’s why I kept picking up the bottle again. But this one new year’s eve party me and my closest friends celebrating, off-town, cool house, some girls, insane amount of booze and everything’s just fine. We drink, we chat, we dance, we flirt, all the typical youth activity until my best friend and me got into a small clash, which is nothing special, but it was over some total non-sense, but I got so angry that I went for his neck, attempted to choke him out, told him over and over again how I would kill him if I ever saw him again and that’s the last I remember of that. But our other friends luckily got between us and kicked me out, I hijacked home, but me and my best friend didn’t talk a single word between us for over 2 years. We had been best friends since grade one and gone through a lot. We sorted this shit out eventually, because we both had a 2nd best friend in common and he got real tired of our shit. This was the first, but this became more common as more time passed.

Discipline, no more

I was a complete wuss when I became a security guard, that’s for sure, but it grew me a thick skin real quick. But my drinking had increased to every-day level and while I was still functioning like a normal member of the society, pay taxes etc. I slowly, but surely started cutting contact with people who tried to help me. I just got irritated by everybody, especially by female friends, because they tried to help the most. But I didn’t want help, I wanted peace and quiet to enjoy a drink or two. All the damn time. I just started getting angry at them and told them to fuck off, constantly, until they didn’t speak to me anymore.

Same happened with my cousins.

Same happened with my colleagues.

But then I got into navy. I had never imagined what a slavery level treating soldiers meet, it was just beyond my understanding, I got easily into trouble with my commanding officers and was irritated all the time. After 11 months I had been mentally so tired that I wanted to never be affiliated to them again. Just delete that period. Hated it. Hate being told to do anything.

What prison does to you mentally

Shortly after navy I got into some legal troubles and ended up in prison for 8 months, prison was quite the challenge, not physically, but mentally. I became short tempered and explosive. Prison is all about establishing dominance, nobody cares if you want to sit through your time peacefully. Most criminals have been convicted already multiple times and have accepted their faith that once they get out, they will return. Any behavior other than that will trigger them, thinking that other people are “too good” for them. This is psychologically wrong on so many levels, but I won’t get into analyzing this. But I don't blame the prison for it, surely some people are strong enough to handle situations better. Long story short, I learned to stand up for myself. I came out a different man, stayed sober for 7 months and in that time I had just focused on making a career, making a future for myself. Improving on myself.

Working in sales

After I got out of prison I became a salesman, or telemarketer to be more specific. Mainly because I couldn’t get into anything else and they had no requirements as I had no education or experience, other than security guard, which was out of the question for me. Let me tell you that sales job is the worst possible job if you have anger issues. It was a rough start, but I needed the money and a job that paid on basis how much work one does, so one could not blame anybody else, fit me just perfectly. But I discovered soon that I could never work in customer support as I quickly developed passive aggressive behavior towards stupid questions. Anybody who has ever worked in sales or customer support knows what I’m talking about. I just didn’t bother even replying to people at one point.

I wasn’t apparently angry, it was passive, it could be felt through the air, but I never lost control at my job. At the same time my old court decision got appealed and I was threatened to go back to prison for another 5 years, minimum. I was devastated. And started drinking again. I had lost all hope of becoming ever normal, all that hard work and effort into rehabilitating myself… nothing. No point.

Add in a few women

Do you know what women are really good at? Getting on your nerves.

Through this timeline of 2 years add in about 10 women who each had their own baggage and each felt that we had something special in between. While I never truly cared at that moment, I always had a hard time saying ‘no’. But in the long run nothing ever worked out. Nothing. I had a drink or two, every week, every day, every moment I could to just put it all behind me. All my family members, friends, women who I have hurt. These memories taunt me. All the fucking time. To the point I simply refused to participate on this society. I go from a social drinker to a solo drinker.

Who I hate the most

I’m so angry at myself for all the opportunities that I have screwed up, I’m so angry for all the hurtful feelings I’ve caused to the ones nearby me. I’m so angry that I literally hit a stone wall. But my anger overcomes any pain. I had to quit job, I had to cut contact with many, many, many people to move on. I would walk miles instead of waiting 10 minutes for a bus, because waiting for the bus made me angrier than death itself could've made me, I had hard time getting groceries from the store, because I just couldn't handle waiting in the line. Maybe time will resolve this, maybe not. It's a weird mixture of social anxiety and depression, but normal people will never be able to relate.

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