Why I Think Polar Donuts, Not Harvey Weinstein Should be the Poster Boy for the # METOO Campaign

NOTICE!
WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO
PURCHASE THE STRONG PIMP HAND
WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION
OF THEIR FATHER, HUSBAND,
AND/OR BABY DADDY!

BY ORDER OF THE MACK ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA

It was meant to be a joke. This sign, posted on the front door, with no other notices or context, of a local bakery, refers to a donut they sell. I didn’t buy one. Truth is, I didn’t buy anything at this shop, nor will I, unless their attitude toward women, even in jest, changes.

You don’t start with a bank heist. In fact, I bet there’s not one person in the entire world that ever successfully robbed a bank, without first stealing money from his mother’s cookie jar, or shoplifting, or conning kids out of lunch money. No, it takes real brass to decide you’re going to rob a financial institution and that kind of confidence, among humans, generally has to be worked up to.

So, why am I talking about bank robbers in an article that’s supposed to be about sexual harassment? Well, I would also be willing to bet that very few start with rape. They start with a seemingly innocent peek up a girl’s dress, or telling dirty jokes to the boys on the playground. For most of us, it ends there, we mature, we recognize that’s not the way to start healthy relationships and we change.

That doesn’t completely excuse our youthful indiscretion, but making mistakes is a part of life. Most of us knew it was wrong when we did it, or felt it might be. And even in adulthood, there’s going to be some missteps, something strikes us as funny and we repeat it, but the context has changed, it’s meaning becomes clear and people are offended. That happens, it’s what happens next that really defines us as humans and as a culture.

Are you the guy that told a single joke that one time, or is this the joke you repeat to everyone, everyday, all day long, and how does it affect those around you?

After I found this sign on a Sunday morning, searching for a new donut purveyor for Sunday breakfast for my family of ten, a place we will buy from at least three times a month, I was disappointed. So disappointed, I went in and left a message for the manager letting them know that I didn’t appreciate his sign, and that my family would never buy pastries there.

Since he wasn’t available, I went to his Facebook page and messaged him privately a copy of the picture I took. His reply? “Sorry you were offended, have a blessed day.” No explanation, no defense, not even, come on man, it’s a joke. So, I decided to share my experience on my Facebook profile, and nowhere else.

I posted the photo, with this caption. “I guess you think this is a joke, well, jokes on you, my family of ten will not be buying any donuts in your shop.” And I left it at that. I expected some support, and I expected some detractors, but what I didn’t expect is who would be which.

To me and my wife, this sign was beyond offensive, it is the same as if the sign were addressed to “black patrons” and required (in jest, but who cares?) that they get permission from a responsible white person. It’s that offensive to the woman I love.

But, when I shared this, immediately, a married friend who has defended victims of domestic abuse in court began to deride me and at first, he said I had the right but was blowing it out of proportion, but quickly, his comments took on that familiar playground sing-song of the bullying tease from grade school. “Come on, what are you a pussy?” (not his words, just my memories) “Stop ruining everyone’s fun, surely there are more important targets than this?”

“Surely there are more important targets than this”

That statement stuck with me. I thought about it. Was I being ridiculous? I can be sometimes. I tend to get emotional and worked up when things are offensive to me. After all, there’s the whole Harvey Weinstein debacle, maybe my ire would be better aimed in that direction.

But as the day passed, I was flooded with the # METOO campaign from people that I never suspected felt the sting of sexual harassment, or even unwanted physical advances, or assault. The contrast was staggering. Here were these otherwise decent human beings, defending this poor attempt at humor in the face of an onslaught of outcry against the behavior this sign made light of.

“You don’t understand humor! Get a life!”

Well, that’s funny, my life has, many times, included getting paid to write and direct “humor” I’m a quantifiable expert on the subject, so maybe that’s not it? I wanted to agree, to delete this post that was causing so much strife and move on, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought this was important. Why?

Well, Harvey Weinstein is a mostly safe target for our anger and disgust. I mean, how many of us can ever really hope to relate to him, in his ivory tower, moving Hollywood stars and moguls, like so many pawns on his chess board to Oscar? Not many. And if we can dust off our feet and spit a few half-hearted epithets in his direction, we can pat ourselves on the back and go back to business as usual. But if polar donuts is a problem, well, that’s different.

See, too many of us have laughed at it, and eaten the pimphand, cracking wise the whole time, good clean fun, right? If we have to examine our own behavior, well, that’s just…. But, the attitude that allows people to respond to #METOO with shut up, quit whining, you asked for it, sluts get what sluts ask for, starts somewhere. In my neighborhood, for some, it may start with looking at that sign, thinking about it and laughing.

We can’t defeat anything in our culture from the top down. Nope. It didn’t get this way from the top down and change can’t come from there. It must rise from the ground up. It must happen when dads say, son, see that sign, that’s not funny, let’s find a new donut shop. See what that man just said, wait here while I say something. Let’s turn the channel, I don’t like the way this is playing out. Modeling respect for others has to start in the small things in life, it can’t be a campaign or a cause. That’s not what created this problem.

Slowly, we’ve been addressing bigotry and hatred in our society, chasing it from one corner to another, passing laws against it, trying to make it go away. But, the problem isn’t out there, it’s in here with us. It’s here when we see a man treat a woman poorly and instead of asking him if he thinks that’s okay, we look away, it’s not our problem.

It’s what allows stacks of untested rape kits to sit rotting in the back rooms of police departments across the nation. It’s the attitude that grants college athletes a pass, even for rape. And, it’s where the power to abuse anyone with near perfect impunity in our police departments come from.

See, you can’t really take someone else’s protection seriously, if it’s a joke to you.

But, let me address this topic of humor. Can this be effective satire? Sure, but satire requires context. The audience has to know this is wrong. They can’t laugh WITH this, they must laugh AT it as a valid view point, and if you read the comments on my Facebook page, you would see this is not what’s happening at Polar Donuts in Oklahoma City.

Just the opposite

While I was made fun of for suggesting that those involved in the slave trade in our city (it’s considered a hub for human trafficking) would feel welcome to buy donuts there, the attitude of the fans of this shop proved that they liked it because it didn’t ask them to address this deep seeded kernel of belief that misogyny is a man’s right. When you point that light on them, it’s uncomfortable, so, Stefan, there’s not a more important target.

The target needs to be painted squarely on us.