Seinfeld – The lost episode (Fiction)
(Jerry and George, home at Jerry's place)
Jerry: So, George, I got a call from NBC this morning. Russell thinks we should bring guest stars on the show... you know, get in more viewers...
George: Who does he have in mind? Ted Danson!?
Jerry: Don't start again with Ted Danson... No, he was thinking more like movie stars, action guys caught up in funny situations.
George: Oh, like Schwarzenegger becoming your butler, have him iron your shirts or scrub the bathtub. Maybe we could put one of those white aprons on him.
Jerry: I don't know about Schwarzenegger, he's kinda into politics lately.
George (not listening, waving a duster dramatically): Hasta la vista, baby!
Jerry: Come on, George, be serious. No, Russell was thinking about Nicolas Cage, they got him under contract so they could make him guest star on our show.
George (visibly annoyed): Sure, just like Russell, dump his second rate action guys on us. I don't think so. Besides, I never really liked the guy.
Jerry: Yeah, like he needs you to like him. It might be a good idea... People like celebrities... Sure, I'm on the show, but the rest... nobody knows you. Think about it – who'd want to watch the pathetic life of George Costanza when they could watch Nicolas Cage doing something crazy?
George (even more annoyed): Well, excuse me, Mr. Fame himself, but we're in this together and if I say no, it's no!
(Poignant silence. Jerry starts peeling an apple.)
George: So, what would Nicolas Cage do? Come to one of your shows? Date Elaine? Fight Kramer over a pair of snickers? Actually, I'd like to do that. Say we meet at the store and we both want the same pair and there's only one... I'd like to punch Nicolas Cage!
(Elaine comes in)
Jerry: That's not such a bad idea. Our beautiful friend here could bewitch even Nicolas Cage. They could have a baby together, so he would be a recurring character...we should pitch this to Russell next week.
Elaine: I'm not having a baby with Nicolas Cage or anyone else. They'd make me fat, waddling to the restroom every five minutes... I don't think so!
Jerry: You do remember you're not actually in the show.
Elaine: So!?
George: I could have a baby.
(Jerry and Elaine stare at him meaningfully)
George: Well, not me... I mean, Susan could have a baby...
Jerry: Susan can't be on the show, remember...she works there...
(Kramer walks in with a manicure set, sits on the couch and starts cutting his nails. Everybody ignores him)
George: Oh, yeah... OK, someone else...Hey, I could date Marisa Tomei, so we get another star on the show... then she gets pregnant...
Jerry: What about Nicolas Cage? Who's he gonna be? The Fairy Godmother???
Kramer: I could be having a baby...
(All turn to him)
Kramer: I've been going pretty steady with this girl I met in yoga class.
Jerry: Since when do you go to yoga?
Kramer: Since last week. I could go to Hollywood for an audition, for a Nicolas Cage movie, we bond on the set, so he begs to be the godfather of my boy...little Nicolas Kramer.
(Everybody goes back to ignoring Kramer)
George: Say Marisa is pregnant and we all fly out to meet her parents, you know, have a little engagement party... and the plane is high-jacked by terrorists, but Nicolas Cage is in first class and he grabs a gun from one of the bad guys... and I punch a couple of them in the face...
Jerry (laughing): You? Punching an Arab terrorist? You'd be the first one to hide in the toilet.
George (slightly pissed): I could... it's TV, Jerry... everything's possible.
Jerry: It's a comedy show, remember?! There are no terrorists on a sitcom. It's got to be funny.
George: OK, Mr. Know-It-All! How about Marisa goes into labor while we're on the plane and Nicolas Cage has always wanted to go to med school, so he pretends to be a doctor and starts shouting: 'Push!Push!' and she punches him in the face... that could be a very funny scene!
Jerry: What's with all the punching?
George: Mom made lasagna last night so I spent the whole night sleeping on the toilet!
Jerry: That explains it. Anyway, nobody's going to do any punching on my show.
George: Our show!
Jerry: Let's keep it simple. Something classical: a mix-up. I get invited to audition for an action movie, something with a car chase, a gun fight and I make a mess of it, while Nicolas Cage finds himself as guest at a stand-up show and make a mess of it... All lame jokes, nobody laughs...
(George storms off to the bathroom)
Elaine: Actually, the baby idea is not so bad... I could do that. I always thought Nicolas Cage was sort of cute... I wouldn't mind having a baby with him... or at least try to...
George (shouting from the bathroom): Marisa Tomei!!! We could have a baby together!
Kramer: Can I cut the cord?
(A week later in Russell Dalrymple office at NBC. Jerry and George are sitting on the sofa. Russell walks in.)
Russell: Sorry. I was on the phone with Nicolas Cage. He cannot make it today unfortunately. His wife went into labor and the roads are snowed in and the ambulance cannot make it. The poor guy was totally freaked out.
