No way back

She looked out of the window of her old bedroom, the one she ran away from years ago. It didn’t look like her bedroom anymore. The bed had been replaced by an ugly green sofa and only her old desk was still there, with a personal computer sitting on it. Everything that had once made it cosy had gone. 

Molly looked out of the dark window, a black square that made the room look even more gloomy, and sighed. What had she done? It was too late to turn back now, she had to get on with it, there were no more options left now because she had waited too long.   

'Maybe my mother was right all along', she contemplates. 

She had been furious when Molly told her, now two months ago. She didn’t scream or anything, but just sat there, right here in this room. She was sitting at the desk when Molly came in and said, ‘Mom, I have to tell you something.’ Her face was all hard and her mouth changed into this thin stripe, lips pressed together, when Molly told her. ‘I’m pregnant’. 

She had known it of course. She had expected it when Molly suddenly had stopped smoking, but she had never asked anything. Then she said ‘What will you do about it?’.  

‘Nothing, I will have the baby.’ 

‘With a guy you have known for 4 months? You must be out of your mind. What do his parents say? You are 20 years old, for God’s sake.’ 

‘We’ll figure it out’ was Molly’s answer and she had left the apartment in tears. 

And now it was too late to do anything about it. She had broken up with the guy and had moved back into her parent’s apartment, in a room that was no longer hers. She felt so ashamed... Tears were streaming down her face now, while she was looking out of the window into the darkness. Molly had always been the quiet one, the sensitive one. She had already disappointed her parents by not finishing her degree and now this. Not once had her mother asked how she felt, or held her. She longed so much for someone to hug her and tell her that everything would be allright. But there was no one. She had never felt more lonely in her life, exept… She wasn’t alone of course. She stroked her belly softly and whispered ‘I’m so sorry’ to the little boy inside. ‘I can’t do this on my own, I’m not strong enough.’ 

She opened the window and felt the cool winter air on her face. She put one foot on the chair, then the other. Now she was standing in the window opening, holding it by the frame. She steps on the sill. ‘One big leap and all this will be over’ she thought. She started moving her right foot forward and took a deep breath. She wouldn’t be a burden anymore for her parents. Her ex didn’t love her anyway, so he wouldn’t miss her, and she had lost all her friends when she became pregnant, because she wouldn't go out with them anymore. The only one that needed her, was this little baby, but he wouldn’t know, would he? Would he? A loud wail escapes from her mouth, the agony is too big to bear. 

But she can’t do it. She just can’t end her life and surely she can't end the life of this little one? He hasn't done anything wrong, it's all her fault, not his. Her legs start trembling and quickly she puts her right foot back on the window sill. She can’t, she really can’t. Shivering she lowers herself via the chair on the floor. She shakes so hard from the adrenalin that she can hardly move, she crawls to the sofa and then curls op into it. While her tears wet the ugly green fabric, she says to the little boy ‘I guess we’ll just have to do this together. You and me.’ 

And with her arms hugging her body, she finally falls asleep.   

Epilogue:

This is what actually happened to me, but I want to tell you that this story has a happy end.

You will not believe it maybe, but that guy who left me, realized his mistake a few weeks later (of course he was also very young then) and we have been together for over 20 years today. Our son is 19 yo.

X Lazy Bird