Grace's Story
My name is Grace. Before I was formed in my mother’s womb, the Lord surely has always known me. My mother was told that she would give birth to either a stillborn or a child with down syndrome. She prayed and believed God would see through a healthy delivery. I was born, cut out of her belly. My sister a year younger than I passed away when I was two years old. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. My mother, then, remarried when I turned 11.
Our household was dark and abusive both physically and mentally. I would see demons and was terrorized and scared every day. I wanted to think I saw angels but couldn't believe it was real. Darkness and believing I was evil was much easier.
I feared my mother and father. Every day when I was locked in the dark, I would cry out to someone. Everything was a mess, but crying and talking to someone I didn't see or know helped. One encounter I remember still as a child; a demon was standing by my and my mother’s bedroom doorway. I was frozen with sheer fear. I whisper screamed to mom telling her and she just mumbled to tell it to go away in Jesus' name and that a Bible was by our bedside table. I surely did just that. That dark presence left and I could have sworn a bright light shown from the kitchen just touching the doorway and letting me see for a glimpse the light that darkness has no choice but to flee.
With such contrast of my parent’s severity and their own brokenness, it was surely the Lord God who made me lean on Him. I did not know God but His faithfulness has followed my family and me even through our own sinful rebellion, lusts, failures, and pain.
I really acknowledged Jesus starting in middle school. I read the Bible every night, crying literally every night from the pain I couldn’t run from. I was attracted to darkness and yet drawn to His light. God spoke to me growing up in the beauty of the New England landscape with its full seasons blasting the glory of God and His majesty. His all-consuming power and might. I really encountered the Lord through His creation. Taking pictures daily kept me sane.
Here I am now, running from the church, and running from God. After all He has saved me from, and after all that He has led me through. Surely it wasn’t I that knew Him. It was because He has ALWAYS known me at every turn and thought and beat of my heart.
God has marked me for Israel. After high school, I decided to try Bible College. It didn't work out, or I didn’t want it to. It was the casual mundane every day that I had to fight and press through. It was a season of really facing my ugliness and remorse over my sin. As I was fasting and praying; the spiritual disciplines to choose over comfort, I really met His face right in front of mine. I felt the heat of His presence, when He looked right at me. As I tried to fast with my own strength and He showed me His. God is powerful. When You feel His presence, we can never be the same. Oh, to be like Him, to be with Him where He is!
He highlighted a map of Israel from an old magazine I bought from a thrift store. I taped it above my bed and knelt and prayed for Israel. His very heart is for His people. After leading me through a missions school overseas in Amsterdam NL. The House of Payer also marked me and followed me throughout the adventures Father God has orchestrated. I went on a mission trip to Egypt and Israel right afterward. I then studied the Bible for a year in Alberta CA. Then, God brought me back to Atlanta.
In Atlanta, I found myself powerless. I had been carrying emotional baggage and unresolved pain throughout this journey. I was serving His church, yet I would not let myself get vulnerable and reach out for help. The only way I knew to love my Father was to serve. I allowed pride to get in the way of serving God. I dreamed of being a missionary and serving at the base there in Canada. I greatly desired to be part of the House of Prayer ministry and even start a house of prayer of my own.
I was so attached to His house of prayer that I didn't obey the Lord and the pastor/ director at this house of prayer and I got too spiritually attached. The devil used it as a foothold. I got sent to jail for trespassing on church property after I left a letter confessing how I was feeling. I was told to leave and never return. That brutally crushed me. All I wanted to do was to be in His house of prayer alone, not because of anyone there. I really needed it and I was that weak. I realized that I am God’s house of prayer. I am His temple of the Holy Spirit. Not any place or ministry and I needed to let go.
I later got involved with a married man. I cared about and loved his family. I prayed for him, but working with him, I got attached to him wrongly. I fell in love with him. The devil used that as a snare. It deeply cut me and caused severe mental struggles. This man was Jewish and it hurt so much that I couldn't be the light and the testimony of Jesus in the right way. I felt I had failed so completely I just couldn't do anything right after that. He didn't know the Lord and I would cry stating how wrong this was while trying to share about God at the same time. That sin felt so good and right and the devil was trying whatever means to kill my identity. I felt trapped.
Wicked and unhealthy attachments and habits have led me to harmful people and myself hurting others. I have reached a dead end. I confess that I am guilty. I am a sinner and Jesus' blood has bought me. Jesus' death and resurrection have saved me and made me righteous before the Father! It didn't matter how prophetic, artistic, talented I was. It didn't matter how much I had done or hadn't done. I know what God has called me to. I have seen Him heal people. God is mighty and yet I couldn't know Him as the gentle tender loving Father. I knew Him as the mighty ruler. The invincible king! How many could I fight for Him? How much could I conquer and do for Him?
That is where I am. Our Father in heaven! He is my Father who is in heaven. Altogether holy and yet one with me through His Holy Spirit within. Knowing this and living it every day is what I need more than anything.
Throughout this roller coaster. God has been constant through my instability, sin, and pain; leading me to be still. To know that He is God and that He answers not with punishment but kindness has led me to see the truth of Himself. He has guided me on this journey, He is refining me, setting me free, making me solely His...forever.
I am in the Refiner’s fire. Surely my Redeemer lives and will stand on the earth! AMEN.