LETTING GO HAS NEVER BEEN SO HARD!

Pixabay CC0

Letting go of things is the hardest thing for me to do.
I guess this habit is totally inborn because it’s always been a hard thing to do since I was a kid. I have always been contented and safe the familiar and feared adventures.

I would use the same kind of dolls over and over again. I would order the same flavor of ice cream and same type of juice when I go out alone and even with friends.
I would rather watch old movies over and over again and listen to the same old songs just to be safe that I will get the same old satisfaction I always want to get.

I would say the “law of diminishing returns” is deficient in my life. I have ordered the same type of toiletries for the past six years now every time I was in need of them. With all this been said, you could say for a fact that I just love sticking to something once I truly like it. I stick to it like glue and never want to let go unless the conditions are too unfavorable and I always let go with a heavy heart.

The confusing thing is why I can’t let go of you, when I never owned you?
I only miss and stick to what I have!
I never had you but why do I miss you so much even when reality shone on me and I realized that I never really could have called you or will call you mine.
Sometimes I sit and millions of thoughts run through my head and the most significant one is why I could possibly miss something I never had in the first place.

After all these thoughts and hurting, I have devised different means of letting go of you. I have really tried to walk away or probably travel to a distance where I’d never find you but nothing seems to work because you have overwhelmed me and became my shadow how can I possibly run away from my shadow? No matter how far I run and how fast I run off, you still happen to be right next to me(atleast in my mind).

I cry most nights because it’s become an affliction. How do I stop this? Why is this happening to me? How long will I have to suffer this one-sided love? As these thoughts keep running through mind tears flood my eyes, causing a river to flow down my cheeks. Sad isn’t it?

Maybe, the reason I can’t seem to forget you or let go of you is because while I was invisible to the world, you saw me.
You held my hands and kissed my forehead just for the sake and fun of it but my stupid mind fell inlove.
You left me captivity, hoping and praying that what we had was real and your love would set me free soon enough! How dumb could I get ?

I had known! I had known! I had known!
You told me goodbye with a soothing smile , I can’t believe I photographed that deceptive smile and saved it in my heart’s gallery hoping I’ll see you again but sadly that was the last day we would see and that goodbye was forever.

There are so many things I really wanted to let out of my mind.
I never got to express my feelings
I loved you, I still do
I never got to say I love you and saying it now would be disastrous.
If only I knew!

But Life is a pot of beans. isn’t it?

I am sitting in my room, looking through my window and staring at the scanty stars in the night sky and thinking of you. After all these, I can’t help but wonder if what we had was real, do you even think of me,
did you love me, just like I love you, was it just a game ?

That is the only thing I am really curious about, do you miss me too? did you love me like did?

THANKS FOR READING