One of the stories I tell below is a complete lie whereas the others are true. See if you can identify the lie. I shall try to publish another post in three days time to confess the lie, so to speak.

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1. Unto Us a Child

I was born in a small village called Akili-Ogidi in Ogbaru, Anambra State in South-east Nigeria. My village had a lot of brooks, streams and rivers and it was uncommon to find any kid that could not swim among us. Fishing was second nature. We used hooks, nets and some even knew how to kill fishes with bows. My parents were poor, uneducated people who did not know any other form of livelihood except farming on a subsistence level. I have one older brother and two younger brothers and of course, one sister. In spite of all the challenges, my parents successfully raised my siblings and I into self-reliant, successful men and woman. I still wonder to this day how they did it. I would have succeeded in my own life if I can get to do for someone else what my parents were able to do for me.

2. Raining Stones

I often watch my nephews climb chairs or pull themselves up on the curtain in the sitting room, and each time I see them doing these things, I am reminded of my youth especially one incident that involved climbing. I was perhaps nine or ten years old. It was mango season and my cousin Mekus, his friend Okaka and I went to pluck mangoes from a particular mango tree that produced succulent fruits. The tree was on the premises of my school which was situated just across the road from my house. Mr Akwa, our class teacher in the school, had the self-assigned role of policing pupils that dared to pluck any fruits from the school premises. He chased student by throwing stones at them from the ground, but on this particular day, he had a surprise coming. Unknown to him, we had climbed the tree with our ammunitions. And as soon as he showed up, the tree rained stones. He grew legs and shot away from the scene like a bullet. I suppose he was embarrassed about the incident because he never brought it up and we were never punished.

3. Snail Fishing

I'm not sure if snails are edible in all parts of the world but they certainly are in my part. I hear that they are a good source of proteins and iron.

Well, this story does not have much to do with the nutritional value of snails, but it has something to do with hunting wild snails. These snails showed up during the early rainy season at night, between 09:00 pm and the early hours of the morning, when cold winds blew. We were between the ages of 9 and 13. My posse and I would go into the bushes with a bush lantern in search of these creatures, without my parents' knowledge or consent. One day, as we were in the forest, a very tall, naked man showed up right in front us, or so the person in front said. I did not know I had it in me to run for twenty minutes nonstop at the speed of a 100-meter sprinter.

4. Crabs

I am certain that there are different types of crabs. I do not know them all but I remember going hunting with my cousin and a couple of others.

You see, my cousin was a truant in school. So while we were busy getting some education, he was busy learning or inventing some new mischief. I cannot be certain how he came about these adventures, but he would just come and ask something like, "I am going to find crabs. Are you coming?" Of course, I was coming! What better way to spend your time than to leave the comfort of your home to some swampy rice paddy or a raffia palm swamp. Anyway, the crabs come out of their holes when it rains, and the holes are flooded. But not all the crabs stay out of their holes. Some see predators such as us and run back to their holes.

To catch these, my cousin would go on all fours and put his arm in the swampy hole. He would keep going until his face and chest were on the ground or until the crab finally clamps his finger with its claws. He would usually let out a little scream when the latter happens, but he holds onto the crab until he pulled it out. I liked my fingers a little more than he did, I suppose. So I resigned myself to finding such holes for him. I can't recall what use those crabs were since we had to hide them from our parents while we tried to domesticate them. They usually either found a way to escape or died in our custody.

5. What's that Smell?

You probably think that this one is a lie but I assure you that it is true. Mekus, my cousin always played truant at school but that is not to suggest that he did not go at all. He did. He just did not stay!

He would go to school and keep his bag then find a way to sneak out of school to go and pursue his varied interests. Then towards the close of school, he would go back and take his bag home. Most times he waited for the school to dismiss before he went for his school bag. One Friday Mekus came back from school, dropped his bag in his room and went to continue his business. Gradually, the smell coming from his room increased in intensity and by the next morning, it was unbearable. Identifying the source of the smell was not easy. Finally, everything was brought outside one after the other. Behold, Mekus's bag was almost filled with the a-day-old shit of different individuals. Mekus never reported the incident as it would amount to digging the ground from under his own feet.

6. Charcoal for Chalk

Where I come from, you could easily tell the quality of a public school from the name alone.

Arguably, the best schools those days were those run by the federal government and they had names like Federal Government College, Keffi. Now, that's where your child could get a high-quality education. But once the name of the community where the school was located appeared twice in the name of the school, like Ugborikoko Grammar School, Ugborikoko then you can rest assured that this is the lowest class of school you can get especially if Ugborikoko is a remote village. Never mind that you can't pronounce the name. That was the secondary (or what some folks would call high) school I attended. One of the things I remember about the school is the teacher using the unpainted wall for board and using charcoal for chalk. It is a wonder we managed.

7. Eunoch

Eunoch and not Eunuch was a boy from my primary school who had no emotions whatsoever. He did not laugh and he did not cry. We would often bet him our lunch that we could elicit some form of emotions from him and to prove we couldn't, he would let us do all sorts of things from him, ranging from flagellation to tickling. To the best of my knowledge, Eunoch never laughed nor cried, and he ate our lunch most of the time unless when it resulted to a fight and the owner of the lunch was able to reclaim it. Eunoch was a strange boy. He was the smallest person in my class, and I wonder who gave him such a name. I never met anyone else who went by that name ever since.

8. The First Time I Got Drunk

They say that you never forget your first time. Well, forgive me, father, for I have sinned. It has been ten years since I got drunk for the first time and the memory is still fresh in my mind. I went out with friends pretending I could handle my alcohol like the rest of them. I watched my friend (who always wore glasses), and I decided I could take as much as he could. Why not? I weighed almost twice his weight and did not forget; the guy always wore glasses. I mean, how much could he drink. Well, it turned out that he could take six bottles of 600ml beer and still walked straight. Ehhhm, that's like 3.6 litres of beer. Come to think of it; I wonder where the guy stored all that. Anyway, it was the longest walk home that night.

9. Dogs

I love dogs, and I currently own a German Shepherd. Sorry @trumpman that you almost got killed by one.

10. On Being Churchboy

I am not a church person or any other gathering for that matter. I am only churchboy because I live beside a church.

These are some of the people I would like to nominate. I am sure all of them have something interesting to share: @fada.emma @suckky, @gentleshaid, @owenmaya, @abigail-dantes (because she is so busy with life), @kaydee & @floxyrites. You can make it brief. Do not try to be like me. It seems I can be quite imaginative in a lie:)

Thank you @trumpman, the most prolific shitposter on the blockchain, giver of fucks and a Gridcoin enthusiast (whatever that means) for nominating me into this. It's was a nice memory trip :)