The Time We Robbed the Robber

This is just another crazy story I experienced with my oh, so exciting partner in crime, Sam.
During a time of desperation with our minds in wonderland, we were living in a motel.
After what had happened at the apartment Sam had, there was no way we were going back.

The motel we were at was a single story building, her van parked just feet away from the door. We had a zip lock baggy full of Xanax, an ounce of weed and a few hundred dollars we were saving up for a real place.

Sam invited her ex, Rikki, over because he wanted to buy some of the pills. He bought 8 bars for $40 and laid back on the bed. He never really spoke, he just laid around, nodding off. I assumed he'd just eaten every thing he'd bought.

I had my Gamecube plugged in next to Sam's tiny box TV, along with a few games. We played Mario Kart for a while and eventually, Rikki asked if he could buy the system from me. I told him he could have it for $40, games included. He handed me the $40 and I threw everything into a grocery bag for him to take with him when he left.

The only problem was, he wouldn't leave. Sam only invited him over to get some money, but for some reason Rikki had invited himself to stay the night. When I looked over, I saw he was passed out on Sam's bed. I laughed quietly and asked

Sam is that mother fucker sleepin' right now?

She leaned into me and said;

I don't want his ass here! I don't know why the fuck he's still here. He thinks this is a slumber party or some shit!

It was about four in the morning at that point. Looking outside, we noticed a few cop cars near the motel office. We obviously weren't concerned about them because cops run through motels all the time, usually looking for johns or prostitutes to bust, it was nothing new.

So we devised a plan. It wasn't a very good one, but it seemed perfect at the time. We knew Rikki had warrants and used that to our advantage to scare him off. We turned everything off in the room, shook him awake and whispered,

Yo, the cops are outside, you've gotta go! My friend will take you home, just grab all your shit and go before they knock on our door.

He woke up, drowsy and slow, but soon perked up after about the third time we said "Police"

I can't find my Xanax hold up, I'm not leaving without my fuckin' bars. I know I had more than a dollar in my wallet, what the fuck, Sam?!

Frustrated and trying to remain in character,

You bought the GameCube off me remember? Don't forget to grab it before you dip. We didn't take shit from you, but if we find them, we'll call you.

No! I'm not leaving without them!

If you aren't already aware, people on Xanax forget everything and they tend to move zombie slow. I rolled my eyes, becoming increasingly more irritated,

Yo, you probably ate 'em all dude, you've been passed out since we gave 'em to you! It's not our problem, but if we find 'em, we will let you know, I promise you. Now you need to get the fuck out before you get us in some shit.

He left reluctantly and pissed, but at least he was gone. We knew having someone run out of our motel room right then and there could potentially bring the police to us, but it was worth it.

Thinking on our feet, we moved everything from our motel room into Sam's van. All the weed, all the Xanax, everything that could be deemed illegal, even the money was moved to her car so if the police outside did knock on the door, we'd be free and clear. They could search the room all they wanted but they couldn't legally search the whip.

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About an hour or two later, we hear a knock on the door.

Roseville PD, open up!

Knowing that the room was completely clean of all drugs, I opened the door immediately. Allow me to just emphasize this here. I did not look through the peephole. Only days after the crackhouse incident, I still hadn't learned the real value of a peephole.

I opened the door expecting to see a police officer, only to be face to face with some scrawny little mixed kid. I slammed the door as fast as I could but of course, he got his foot in and shoved it open, sandwiching me in between the wall and the door. I ran up and punched him in the face as fast as I could, did zero damage, and got thrown across the room like a ragdoll.

Meanwhile, Rikki had just ran up on us and started flipping over mattresses screaming,

I WANT MY FUCKIN' XANAX!

Sam was in shock, just staring at him as he was losing his mind. She yelled,

We don't even have it Rikki! You need to CHILL!

I grabbed the only thing I could in a motel room, the metal desk chair, and chucked it at the guy who'd thrown me. Rikki grabbed Sam's tiny box T.V and the two of them ran off looking like fools.

Once they left, we called the guy who had driven Rikki home earlier, assuming he had us set up. He told us he had nothing to do with it and to call the police, so we did. They arrived within a couple minutes and took our statements.

The motel room was completely trashed. I think I knocked a pop bottle off the table when I threw the chair so there was sticky shit all over the hardwood floor, the mattresses were flipped, the entire room was upside down. It looked the way you'd imagine your house would look right after being raided.

The female police officer told us a few witnesses spotted two men running with a box TV, one witness being the lady at the front desk.

After a while, the male officer looked at me and said

You know nothing is gonna come out of this, right?

I was so confused. I hadn't realized impersonating a police officer, running up on someone and assaulting them, not to mention burglary, was legal in Michigan; but apparently it was. I imagine he passed us off as drug addicts or prostitutes ourselves and couldn't take us seriously regardless of the mess they were standing in the middle of.

The police left with no intention of charging anybody, and we sat down feeling stupid for even calling them. I looked over and realized my GameCube was still sitting on the entertainment center in the plastic bag I'd filled for Rikki earlier that night. He forgot it.

We couldn't help but laugh. Rikki was a dope fiend. Such a Xanax crazed fool that he forgot he bought a GameCube from me that night. He stole a piece of shit nearly ancient itty bitty box TV when the GameCube he paid for was sitting right beside it. I can almost guarantee he couldn't even buy a pack of dope with the money he got selling that thing.

After that, everything was lighter, the tension was gone. It actually became quite humorous. We laughed while we cleaned up the mess he'd made... the first time we were ever robbed, the first time I threw a chair at somebody. The fact that, once again, we underestimated the power of the peephole and were basically destined for disastrous outcomes; The entire situation became hilarious.

Then I found his Xanax. We laughed until our abs were sore.

He had put them in the cellophane wrapper from his cigarette pack, rolled 'em up and sealed them. They must have been on his lap when he woke up, or on the mattress that he flipped. I found them on the floor, half tucked under the disheveled rug. They were lying on the floor, all out in the open, even while the police were there and we had no idea.

Had he remained decent and just left when we told him to, we would have found his Xanax eventually and he would have everything he wanted. Instead, his drug addict mind made him go ape shit and he still lost.

On that same note, had he not been on dope, he probably never would have lost his Xanax in the first place. I mean, who the does that?

In the end, Rikki gave Sam $40 that night, and then he gave me $40 shortly after. In return, he got a shitty box TV worth maybe $10, and his friend got a chair to the back of the head so, who really won here?

IMAGE SOURCE: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/35uehl