Blind Date

It was a surprise when he turned out to be a gargantuan wolf spider. But he was paying, so I figured it could be overlooked. Everyone has their issues.

"You looked different in your pictures," I said, once we were seated at the table. A server poured ice water into our glasses, the ice cubes clinking as they fell.

Some of the water missed the wolf spider's glass and splashed one of its legs. It emitted a hiss from between its jaws, but otherwise retained its composure. It was a regular gentleman.

"Oh yeah, those were taken years ago," the wolf spider said, its eight eyes blinking in unison. "I was much thinner then." There was a wheezing laugh.

The pictures I saw appeared to be of a more attractive creature, more attractive because that creature was human. Blond hair, blue eyes, light skin. I should have known I wouldn't be so lucky.

My luck ran out with the stalker. That guy kept emailing that I was "frigid," and other words I won't repeat. Maybe the frigidness was why he threw acid at me. Ah, but he was handsome though.

Anyway, I've since lowered my expectations.

"Would you like some bread?" I asked. "They serve it here."

"No, thank you," the wolf spider replied. "It'll fill me up before the main course." It rubbed its front legs together.

We made more small talk of that ilk for several minutes, until the waiter came with the menus. "Those won't be necessary," the wolf spider said.

"Sir?" said the waiter.

"I have everything I need right here," the wolf spider said, and fixed its eight eyes on me.

I blushed. "Aw. You're sweet." It did have a way with words, that couldn't be denied. I didn't think I'd ever been wooed this way before. My face reddened more and I looked down into my lap.

The wolf spider rubbed its front legs together.

I think I could really see myself with this fellow.

With a sudden jerk the wolf spider lurched forward on the table, vomiting a sticky white digestive fluid on me. It reached out with its jaws and began chewing on my rapidly dissolving body.

Through the excruciating pain the remaining part of my brain realized if the wolf spider was doing this, it must really, really like me. I continued to blush, where there was still skin to blush with.

The last thing I saw before the fluid blinded me was the waiter standing over us. "An excellent choice, sir," he said, as the wolf spider sucked me into its mouth.

The whole experience was absolutely devastating.