THE FIRST TIME....SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE LAST!

I met him in August of 1995. By the end of September I was already on the road with him. He worked for Butler Amusements. ..so I literally ran off with the circus...oh okay..the carnival circuit.

images from Butler Amusements website

By November 9th we were married while on winter break from the carnival. Found out I was pregnant in December and I gave birth to a healthy baby girl on September 14,1996. I know ...way too fast .

Fast forward a year. ..to September 1997. Our relationship was strained for a multitude of reasons..his family interference. ..my inability to adjust to the road and being isolated from my own family just to name a few. Mostly my inability to adjust...I can never go to a carnival and see it the same ...I know the atrocities behind the scenes (a story for another day) it was nothing that I would have or could have ever imagined. It wasn't in my realm of reality or mind ever going to be accepted as normal.

So it was one week before my daughter's first birthday .. so I just was kinda keeping to myself planning a small party ..family only to have at the next spot we played. We were playing 5 day spot in Lakeport county Ca. Everyone had just finished setting up the night before and they were scheduled to open the next day. Tonight was the "show party" an event that happens four times a year. I never attended these events because I hadn't bothered to make friends ..in my mind I had no intention of living my life on the road...it was only temporary .

The trailers and tents that the carney's traveled and stayed in were parked in the baseball field behind the midway line. His parents truck and trailer were in the dugout area. I was walking around the long way to avoid the party. I could hear the music and everybody seemingly drunk having a good time. I was going to call my mom... I called her every night so she knew where I was and that I was alive. Tonight I called to tell her that I was approximately six weeks pregnant and that I hadn't told anybody but her. And that I wanted to come home.. I hated it on the road. I slept in the back of a small pickup truck with a shell on it... it was so hot every morning and we were cramped. And my kids slept in the trailer with his mother and stepfather...I just wanted a normal life ...a home.
I told her I needed to think about it some more and I would call her tomorrow.

image from dreamstime.com

After I hung up...I decided to go see what my kids were doing. Make sure they safe and having fun with grandma and grandpa. As I was walking towards the stage I saw grandma dancing with my oldest . She was three years old and from my first marriage. I asked her where my youngest daughter was and she said with her dad of course.

I looked off to the right and there he was...a blonde ticket seller was sitting in his lap . She was holding my daughter in one arm while her other arm was around his neck. Needless to say I was in a pissed off rage. I came unglued snatched my daughter out her arms and handed her to my mother in law who took both girls somewhere else to eat and away from the drama. I went off like I was batshit crazy on the both of them. I felt betrayed by everyone there who had witnessed this shit and actually thought it was okay...but of course in their world it was. It was common for for show owners to have two trailers next to each other one for the wife and kids and one for the girlfriends. ( more on this is the later)

I stormed off to baseball field I knew he was piss ass drunk and on my tail. I didn't care I was in the right..HE was WRONG!! I was feeling humiliated...but I honestly didn't expect what came next. Just when I reached for the trailer door..he spun me around...swept his leg under my feet and the next thing you know he is on top of me .He was choking me ...telling me that I'm a fat worthless piece of shit and a waste of space...and that Brian should have done the world a favor and killed me when he had the chance. Brian was my very first boyfriend who was also abusive....for another day.

image from 123rf website

I couldn't breathe or scream...not that there was anybody around to hear or help for that matter. It seemed to go on for ever ..I actually wondered of if I was going to die that night. He finally stood up...I was crying hysterically. .but also breathing a sigh of relief that it finally over...or so I thought.
He started screaming at me to shut the fuck up and stop crying ...that I was drama ..and he didn't need this shit ...really....he didn't need it!! I didn't stop crying ..I couldn't. ..all this was too much... it was craziness. He started kicking me ..really hard...in legs ..my back...everywhere basically from the neck down...including my stomach. I was trying to block his kicks with my arms and was begging him to please stop over and over again. And FINALLY he did.

He walked right back to the party... I didn't see him again until 4 am. He acted like nothing had ever happened...I just didn't speak. After he left I got up went into the trailer to wash my face ...I realized then that I was bleeding. I suspected that I was having a miscarriage. ..what could I do...I had no way to go to a doctor...so I crawled into the back of the truck and went to sleep. I had cramps all night .

Image from alamy stock photo

I didn't sleep well . I woke up and was quiet all day...so was everyone else ....did they all know? The show opened that night I went to the Red Cross first aid booth ...I didn't say what had happened..only just my symptoms and they verified most likely I was having a miscarriage. All I could do was cry and blame myself..if only I wouldn't have walked that way and just returned to the trailer..or had just left. ..or kept my mouth shut . In my mind he was a murderer....but I had to act like everything was fine...I was alone and out numbered and afraid it would happen again.

Weeks later I had told him what happened ...that I was pregnant and that he made me miscarry our child. What was his response you ask....wait for it... It's not my fault ...I didn't know that you were pregnant. You mean it's okay to beat and choke your wife anyway ? I just stood there dumbfounded. I wish I would have left then.

*image from Google search *

*image from 123rf website