I know why God never shows himself.

Imagine walking into an old, creepy building, lit up by candlelight and there's pictures of you EVERYWHERE. To your left and right are hundreds of seats; clear evidence of some kind of cult. You walk a little bit further down the Isle and you see a man in a brown hooded robe and he's kneeling in front of something.

By this point, you're terrified, but curiosity beckons you. As you edge closer, you notice something that chills you to the bone: it looks like your son. And he's nailed to a cross with stakes driven through each of his arms and legs...

Your heart is racing now. Who are these psychos? Why me? Why my family!!??? You hear a noise from behind you. The doors are opening. There are voices. Shit. They're here!.

You dive behind a pew and start to crawl away from the approaching horde. You try not to think of what they'll do to you if they catch you. Skin you alive no doubt. Luckily you make it to a dark corner over near the entrance. If they come at you, you could easily make a dash for the door.

But you are compelled to stay. You need to see what these crazy fucks are up to and why they're obsessed with you and your family. You watch on as they begin to take their places. Once they're settled the man in the hooded robe stands up and turns around to greet them. It's clear by this juncture that he's their leader.

'Welcome,'' he says softly. He pulls down his hood. ''Please, take your seats.''

You notice something shiny in his hands. You're too far away to be 100% certain but it looks like some sort of fucking cult chalice or something. There's probably goats blood in there or some shit

He continues, ''Firstly, I'd just like to thank Mavis for the wonderful cake display she put on at the hospital last week. He smiles. ''We managed to raise a whopping £300 pounds!''

Immediately, thunderous clapping breaks out and one of the cult members stands up. She looks embarrassed but you can tell she loves the attention. She doles out a few silent acknowledgements and sits back down.

Who the fuck are these people? And why are they acting so...normal?

The leader turns around and looks towards the western corner where a frail old woman is sat at an organ. He nods at her. Without hesitation she lifts both her hands in the air like some sort hunchback Dracula and she slams them down onto the organ and begins playing the sound of -what you can only describe as- a thousand cows being thrown at against a wall. Fucking hell, you think. That is awful.

Everyone stands up and they begin to chant. You don't know what is worse; their chanting or her playing.

You think on your feet and decide that now would be a good time to get the fuck out of there. Luckily, they are so distracted by the sounds of their own hideous voices that you slip out of the door unnoticed. You brace yourself against the wall for support.

The adrenaline makes you clutch your chest as you breathe heavy sighs of relief. What the fuck did I just witness?
You pull out your Iphone and dial 999. Maybe the police will help

''Hello, 999, what's your emergency?''

You begin recalling the horrifying details of your ordeal. It's hard to get the words out because all you can think of is your son on that cross. ''Those fucking bastards!'' You scream and sob some more into the phone. ''They even had a hat made of spikes on his fucking head!''

The operator then breaks out into laughter. ''Hahaha, good one mate.'' He chuckles. And then, without even giving you a chance to retort, he hangs up.

Mortified, you let out an animalistic wail and break out into uncontrollable tears as the phone slips through your hands and falls to the floor. The pain in your chest is excruciating.

The worst thing about it all, you realise, is that these monsters, these callous, nightmarish creatures. They didn't just come to be out of nothing. They were your creation.

Your Iphone bleeps. It's a Tinder notification. It's a message. You remember swiping right on her a few days before. She's got a nice rack.

''Hey want to meet up later?''

''I can't at the minute,'' you text back

''Why where are you?''

You look up and notice a sign. ''St Mary's church'' you tell her.

''OMG so am I!''