Steem Wars: Day 2: 80s retrowind Choose your condiment - the battle of the mites: Team Australia

Everyone knows that Aussies love Vegemite since it is literally the greatest thing since sliced bread. Our parents begin feeding us the stuff as soon as our teeth come through. We like it so much we've even incorporated it into chips, cheese slices, savoury biscuits, brownies, ice cream and chocolate!

Traditionally Vegemite has been used by Australians to disgust foreigners, particularly North Americans who can’t handle its awesome goodness. Canada has even gone as far as banning it and Marmite because they are so powerful. The Danes also tried a ban but that decision was overturned, presumably by Aussie-born Princess Mary putting her foot down.

Unlike those weak North Americans, Kiwis and Poms have a strong tolerance to Vegemite’s power since they have their own ‘mites’, which they are probably fed from birth as well. Some may even prefer Vegemite to their local condiment, just like some Aussies – let's call them traitors – may prefer a foreign version to Vegemite.

What are 'mites'?  

Basically they are salty, brown spreads that come from beer. In fact, Marmite – the original mite – was accidentally invented by a German scientist. This makes sense when you think about it given how smart German are, and how awesome their beer is. 

Since mites come from beer, really, what else do you need to know?  

...

Yeah that’s what I though. 

How to eat Vegemite 

Vegemite toast is original ‘breakfast of champions’ in Australia. It is traditionally applied to hot buttered toast. Every connoisseur knows that time is of the essence if you want the perfect spread. You can’t mess about making a cup of tea at the same time. If your toast goes cold before you get the butter/marg and Vegemite on, you’ve failed and you might as well have a bowl of cereal. 

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As a derivative of beer, Vegemite also works well as a late night snack after the pub. Since you’re literally just making toast you can be pretty inebriated and still get it right. Vegemite toast is also perfect for those on a student budget since it is heaps cheaper than getting a kebab or Maccas on the way home. 

More recently, Vegemite has got a hipster makeover. Everyone knows the only reason millennials can’t afford to buy a house these days is because they spend all their money on smashed avocado toast breakfasts at fancy inner city cafes. To justify high cafe prices, avo toast needs to be made from sourdough bread and have ‘artisan’ written somewhere in the menu description. If you’re not a millennial then feel free to make it on a slice of mighty white and save yourself $10.

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Now that I’ve cleared up why Vegemite is so good and how to eat it, let’s take a look at the different mite brands. Obviously I’m going start with Vegemite since it’s the best. 

Vegemite

Country of origin: Australia 

It’s the only mite to date that features in a song. Everyone knows the legendary 80s tune Down Under. This is my link to the Day 2 1980s retro-rewind steemwars battlecry by the way. 

In summary, Vegemite is what 193cm Belgian powerlifting bakers give to Aussies, in the form of a sandwich. 

Buying bread from a man in Brussels  

He was six foot four and full of muscles  

I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"  

He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich  

While Vegemite sandwiches are still a popular choice for school lunches 36 years on, Down Under is mostly only heard these days in London's Walkabout pubs, from buskers on the tube and sometimes at the cricket.

Marmite 

Country of origin: United Kingdom

Despite the hugely successful “love it or hate it” marketing campaign that’s been going on for years, the Poms aren't as committed to Marmite as Aussies are to Vegemite. In an official survey, 33% of Brits said they love it, 33% said they hate it, and 27% don’t really care. It's unclear what happened to the remaining 7%. Perhaps they voted for Vegemite but the authors didn't want to report it for fear of having their funding pulled.

Recently the Brits rallied around Marmite after it became the focus of an intense battle between corporate giants Tesco and Unilever. Unilever wanted to up the price by 10% to make up for the pound’s loss against the US dollar but Tesco wasn’t having it. It turns out, the Brits display of unity was more around not wanting foreigners to influence the prices of British products rather a renewed love of Marmite. 

Marmite 

Country of origin: New Zealand

Yes, the Kiwis have a version of Marmite which looks and tastes nothing like its British cousin. This is because the naming rights were bought by Sanitarium in 1908, and they subsequently changed the recipe. 

After the 2011 Christchurch earthquake, the Kiwis were dealt a second blow when their beloved Marmite factory had to be temporarily closed for safety reasons. This caused “Marmageddon” across the small island nation. Despite pleas from officials including then Prime Minister John Keys to ration their supplies, Kiwis went into full panic mode and cleared supermarkets of any remaining stock in a matter of hours. The nationwide shortage of Marmite during 2012-13 will be remembered as one of New Zealand's darkest periods. 

OzEmite 

Country of origin: Australia 

OzEmite is the brainchild of baby boomer entrepreneur and 1986 Australian of the Year, Dick Smith. After achieving fame and fortune back in the 1980s, Smith went on a crusade during the 90s against the foreign ownership of iconic Aussie brands such as Vegemite and Tim Tams – which FYI are the world’s greatest chocolate biscuits. 

To stick it to the multinationals, Smith created his own 100% Australian owned and made versions of popular foods. This appealed to nationalists all over the country who thought that selling off our best brands – mostly to Americans – was un-Australian. While Smith got sued by Arnotts over his fake Tim Tams, OzEmite has remained largely controversial free. It’s widely available in coles, woolies and IGA supermarkets across the country for those who prefer a 1970s style closed economy. 

Promite 

Country of origin: Australia

Promite has been around since the 1950s and is usually found in the back of pantries. It's always three quarters full since it only gets eaten when you've run out of Vegemite and then have to make a choice between it or jam.

Special mention:  Bovril 

Country of origin: United Kingdom

This is Marmite’s non vegetarian sibling since it's made from beef extract. Interestingly, it did go vegetarian for a while during the mad cow disease years but has since fallen off the wagon. This is the only one I’ve never tried since I don’t eat meat. However, knowing what the others taste like I find it bizarre that you’d want to drink this this, especially with milk.  

You Brits are weird.     

Which one is your favourite?

Like most Australians I am loyal to Vegemite the but I don't mind the Marmites to mix things up. Leave a comment telling me which you prefer, or if you think they all taste like battery acid and are a shortcut to a heart attack.