Steemstreet Journal: Local Man Shaves Beard to Fight Patriarchy

in steemstreetjournal •  2 years ago  (edited)

Steemstreet Journal Introduction

After consideration, Steemstreet Journal will be a regular-or-so publication that I will post on my site, featuring satirical and humoristic-or-at-the-very-least-attempting-to news stories about whatever humors me at that particular moment. Here is the unofficial first part of the series.

Without further ado.

Local Man Shaves Beard to Fight Patriarchy


Long Island, NY - A candid interview with local man Douglas Dumbfoundland reveals noble attempt to fight for women's rights by shaving off oppressive beard.

"It's a new year, a new me and a new current year", Douglas told Steemstreet Journal. "Unlike the previous current years, this current year is the most important in the battle against medieval oppression. Men have been able to let their privileged bears run rampant for a long time, and have a lot to answer for. We're not in the middle ages anymore, we are in the current year".

Douglas, sipping his extremely expensive mocha latte, went on to explain that in our society masculinity is "like, always" perceived as superior to the feminine, and therefore it is "like, totally obvious" that men's facial hair is the most prominent mark of old age patriarchal oppression.

Dumbfoundland reveals that he became a prominent feminist after reading the book "Female Empowerement: The Complete History of How Everything is Men's Fault", which Dumbfoundland praises as one of the most thorough and objective social publications done on the issue of gender equality.

"It had this entire, like, section on Movember and I was totally appalled at the amount of microaggression. Every month is man month anyway, so for men to make November all about themselves is just to so obscene that I'm, like, literally can't evening right now. Women can't even get prostate cancer, so it's a sexist cancer to begin with. Invented by men to have yet another privilege."

Worried about the well being and feelings of women everywhere, Dumbfoundland has been active on Twitter and Tumblr, raising awareness for the hashtag "#BeardMeansYouHateWomen", which he hopes to end this violent form of oppression. Petitions to have beards officially classified as hate speech have also been collected.

When asked whether or not it makes sense to have beards classified as a form of speech, Dumbfoundland retorted in a condescending tone: "Making sense is a white man invention. Logic is the tool of the oppressor. The fight for equal rights doesn't have to 'make sense', it just has to happen. And as a feminist, it's my job to educate all of those who disagree with me."

Douglas, himself, does not have interaction with members of the opposite sex. He one day hopes to.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

Lol, that was hilarious, and you do have a way with words! Keep it coming!

Haha, excellent! I hope Douglas gets free from the oppression of not having interactions with members of the opposite sex.