Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?
This week I was invited to consider what it means to have the freedom of sexual expression as part of the #freedomtribe #freedomfriday challenge. My limited experience and involvement with Taoist sexual alchemy and neo-tantric/shamanic sexuality has been deeply healing and awe-inspiring. I'm also troubled by some of what I've encountered.
Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash
Let me state this from the beginning to get this out of the way:
I am completely for all people to be able to express their sexuality however the goddamned hell they wish. It's none of mine — or anyone else's — business!
Whether you're straight, same-sex, bi, polyamorous, monogamous, BDSM, kink, fetish, not-before-marriage, or whatever... it is your right to express your sexuality however suits you, and have sex with whomever (or even whatever) you want, and do so safely, consentually, and enjoyably!
Now that's out of the way, I want to share why. And also to shed some light on some of the pitfalls that I've experienced and witnessed.
I won't feel guilty
No matter what they're telling me
I won't feel dirty and buy into their misery
I won't be shamed 'cause I believe that love is free
It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy
— Garbage
Closer to god
From a Taoist perspective, sexual practices was seen as an important aspect towards longevity & immortality. Excavated texts dating as far back as the 2nd Century BCE provide detailed and lurid descriptions on how to have sex with a partner and preserve 精 jīng ('essence' or 'vitality').
By avoiding ejaculation and finishing love-making with an erection, and helping women reach climax, sexual energy was able to remain in the body and be circulated through the meridian network, thus sustaining life for as long as possible and preventing illness and disease.
By the time of the Ming Dynasty (1368–1644 CE), Taoist alchemists had developed these sexual practices for the purposes of attaining spiritual enlightenment, seeing the sexual energy of 精 jīng being the only substance in the body to help create powerful alchemical transformations necessary. One alchemical school encouraged 'dual cultivation' practices, as practitioners were always older and needed the presence of a partner to help cultivate enough sexual energy for these alchemical processes.
This was a similar track taken by some tantric schools in India. Contrary to popular belief, tantrism was not solely concerned with sex, but with embodiment. That is, spiritual enlightenment was something to be experienced in the here-and-now, in the everyday, normal experience of life on earth. Thus, sex — as a part of everyday existence — was something that could help you get closer to the divine spirit, as any other activity such as eating, drinking, and working.
In both traditions, polarity plays an important part of the cosmology. Male and female are obvious models of something that occurs naturally in the universe. Thus the coming together of Yīn/Yàng or Shakti/Shiva is exemplified in the act of love-making.
In a future essay, I will present an overview of this in greater detail, based on a lecture I presented a couple of years back. Suffice it to say that Taoists and Tantriks saw the act of love-making to hold benefits to health and spirituality. Further to this, I feel that Taoist sexual alchemy is a wonderful inclusive model for sexuality that goes beyond hetero-normative notions of love and sex.
Make A Sex Noise Here
Returning briefly to the notion of sex being beneficial to health and longevity, this understanding is supported in the theoretical framework of Chinese Medicine. When sexual energy is suppressed, it creates a state of stagnation of Qì flow through the network of channels and meridians. When Qì doesn't flow, none of the organs and tissues are nourished properly and cease to function as efficiently as they should.
This stagnation also affects our emotions: frustration, irritability, anger, jealousy, paranoia, excessive rumination, and so on. It is my hypothesis that the repression of an individual's sexual expression (whatever that may be) creates Qì stagnation, and can cause physiological health problems as well as creating limiting emotional states.
As well as preventing these states, sexual activity and a free expression of one's sexuality can help treat certain health disorders.
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual healing, baby, is good for me
— Marvin Gaye
Sexy ways
In order for sexuality to be useful, most of us need to remove the many layers of conditioned shame and guilt around sex. Unfortunately, many cultures and creeds have somehow feared sexual energy and the brazen empowerment that free sexual expression brings. Sex for humans is simply not just about procreation; I think evidence for this comes from the fact that the clitoris serves no other function than the creation and experience of sexual pleasure!
Finding our true expression of sexuality is challenging and rewarding. The process and journey of discovering your pleasures will unlock many facets of your true nature that have also been repressed, as any opening up of true expression will.
But — buyer beware! It may also unlock deep wounds and pains that you were unaware of. Because sometimes its not simply 'social conditioning' that locks down your sexual expression; sometimes it's very serious and horrible traumas hidden from conscious memory.
In these situations, you need to have very competent and highly-trained experts to help guide you through these layers and traumas. They need to have the highest integrity and openness about all manner of sexual topics. You also need to feel completely safe with them and trust with them.
Tell me your dreams; am I in them?
Tell me your fears; are you scared?
Tell me your stories;
I'm not afraid of who you are
— Madonna
image source
I want your sex
Unfortunately there are plenty of unscrupulous people out there. Self-appointed gurus and tantric teachers will offer to "help" you with your healing. I've heard way too many stories from people who have experienced these situations; and thankfully most of them have been near-misses. But there are plenty of people who have fallen victim to 'teachers' who have abused their position of power and used sexuality and spirituality to further their own ends. This is the dangerous and shadowy aspect of a field that is bristling and teeming with raw power and energy — and these people want nothing other than to take your energy. They are quite literally vampires!
My only advice in this regard is the following three words:
One thing a couple of teachers taught me was:
- a "yes signal" means yes
- a "no signal" means no
- a "maybe/not sure/I don't know" signal means no
In looking for courses, workshops, teachers, and therapists I would try and and get referrals from people you know and trust. If you don't know anyone who has embarked down this path, then take the time to do your homework, read across as many websites as possible, and use your intuition and yes/no signals to gauge whether something feels appropriate. Rest assured, there are plenty of very good people out there who can help, such as Mangala Holland and Cyndi Darnell.
Photo by Marcelo Matarazzo on Unsplash
Je t'aims moi non plus
In this sense, the sense of safety and security one needs to feel with a tantric teacher or sexual therapist in order to open into the healing from sexual (or other) trauma is the same sense of safety one needs to feel into a loving, open-hearted relationship.
I don't believe women cannot orgasm; I believe they don't feel safe enough with a lover to do so.
Equally, men can't open into their emotional selves unless they feel safe in the presence of a partner who isn't going to reject them for their vulnerability.
Because to be truly in love, and truly surrender into your truest sexual expression requires an incredibly level of trust in the other person.
And this is the truly unfortunate part about the cultural taboo of sex and sexual expression — it creates an atmosphere of mistrust and fear. How can we feel bold enough to be ourselves if we fear we will be judged or shunned for it? Why do same-sex couples have to be treated like second-grade citizens? Why are sex workers discriminated against still, while their clients hide the meeting of their needs kept in the shadows? Why do so many men and women of all ages feel they can't be fulfilled sexually?
It's my hope that we can create communities where all people feel safe to express themselves, so that we will have a harmonious and free society.
How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?
Yesterday I was one of the lonely people,
Now you're lying close to me, making love to me
— Hot Chocolate
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Posted from my blog PANDORA'S LOST GIFT with SteemPress : http://metametheus.net/do-ya-think-im-sexy/
Ha I've had Marvin Gaye in my head all week too.
Yes!!!! As well, as you say, trauma and stagnating chi, or stress and anxiety and all those other things that sexually lock us down. I loved what you said about the Taoist way as we used to read a lot about this, and Indian views, when we were young in deed and exploring our togetherness. Such beauty in those texts and such freedom as they explored sex like any other human art. What a shame there's no equivalent in the West. Is that why so many of us woman felt connected to the writings of Anais Nin? I wonder about the link between exploring sex through literature and other texts as a way to unlock freer sexuality in a less shame filled way.
Such a great piece. Xxx
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Just fantastic. As a woman who has experienced some sexual trauma, I can tell you first hand yes there are often protective barriers in the brain that protect from the knowledge of trauma.
For a long time, I reacted with a lot of fear around sexual desire (or lack there of) as well as the masturbation habits of my partners, and I hated feeling that way. I knew it was wrong and unfair to be upset when I was sexually rejected or thought my partner preferred self love over coupling experience, but I didn't understand where those feelings were coming from. At some point in an effort to come to some level.of comfort with masturbation, I started Journaling and lots of situations came flooding out, which was when I realized I had been in a coercive and sexually abusive relationship almost a decade earlier! It was information my brain had suppressed and it was not easy to accept. It took some therapy, some NLP, some serious work with myself to accept who I am sexually, as well as some truly healing intimate encounters both with myself and other very loving partners to really come to a place where this no longer affects me and my partners in a destructive way.
I'm still learning and there are still some "programs" in place that now, thankfully, I can feel as programs, which is empowering because it gives me something to work on, rather than swimming in the mire of not knowing a why.
That was nearly 15 years of trauma and subsequent self realization and self work. That's no small potatoes. And had it not been for the incredible professionals on my side helping me help myself through it all, it could have been terrifying. So I very much appreciate that you address this exact thing in your post above.
Also. I enjoy the images 😊😉 evocative without being overtly sexual is sooooo enticing. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and personal experience again @metametheus, you are truly a wealth of knowledge and a light in the world.
Xx ToL
wrote a mini essay ☝🏽🤣
upon further reading, i’m sad to hear of your experience but happy to know you learned from it.
hugs, eagle spirit
Hahaha yah sometimes I get on a roll 😂
I learned a lot and continue to learn. I also try to find new ways of connecting with my partner in the present, and that helps a lot.
Thanks @eaglespirit, gratitude 😊🙏
sorry for joking but that is a great way to engage and so glad you are healthy wealthy and wise! :)
Giiirlll I enjoy a good teasing banter :-) thank you, I'm glad for it to :-)
oh i’m glad! :)
Such a wonderful, well written article. Thank you for this. I loved the quotes you included, they fit so perfectly. I felt myself agreeing and nodding along with every sentence.
I"ve been studying and practicing Tantra for some time now, but I did not know about the close relationship between Tantra and Toaism, thanks for the insight.
And thank you for including the section about consent and warning about teachers using their power to take advantage. I too have heard far too many stories of these situations, and it is unfortunate that many women (and some men) fall prey to these "teachers" because they are unsure of what is OK. Consent, consent, consent. No one needs to do anything they don't want to do -- even in the name of healing!
Thank you for the lovely post :) i'll be following for more!
Very good article. Tops, for real.
And damn... now you got me wanting to write one of my own.
this is such a great article, so much of what you said really resonated with me. I come from a culture where the mention of the word sex was frowned upon and with that the idea of freedom and sexuality where never heard together as only something negative could come from them.
It has been a long road for me and one that involved assault as well, something that really came up for me during all my girls birth. how something so sacred can be used almost as a weapon is so sad. I am still healing. but I am so much more aware and find great joy in celebrating my sexuality. thank you for this xxx
very interesting post meta, you covered quite a bit and since you know i’m studying Dao then this is right up my alley. my teacher explains things a bit differently but taking a stab at it takes pure courage so thank you so much for that.
hugs,
eagle spirit
This is a post I will have to read again – and again. It's one of the most insightful posts I've ever read about sexuality.
This seems so obvious, yet it's something I've never really considered before. It makes me think that people often use sexuality to "self-medicate", just as people often use alcohol to "self-medicate". And in both cases, it can have disastrous results!
An utterly fascinating post, showing how sexuality, properly handled, can help us know ourselves.
It is a wonderful post and message that you wrote here. All the good stuff about people in intimacy and the importance of consent between all parties involved.
Congratulations on your curie vote, metametheus ^_^.
That is really interesting to read such article, it is a subject that we usually not like to speak open, it is something that people get shy when we talk about, seeing the movies and of course you forget the schools. I can imagine how it is for the teachers to do such lessons with your children who keen to learn but the teacher does not know how far he can cover the topic. There are indeed a lot to investigate and the topic was very actual in the past too, it is a part of our necessary life, not knowing some important key information that can destroy our personality and our life too. I find your post really helpful adn enjoy much reading it :)
Did you know the guy who used to play Barney the Dinosaur is now a self-appointed tantric sex guru? Well, actually he is a male prostitute, but he uses the guru thing to avoid getting arrested.