BORN SHY OR BORN TO LIVE?

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Strangely enough, it seems that shyness, or hiya for Filipinos, is perhaps the greatest limiting factor in our quest for success and happiness not only in love, but in almost everything. The problem is when people simply accept as an unchangeable fact that they are shy and let it rule their lives unquestioningly.

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But let us try to figure it out more logically.

Basically, shyness seems to be a built in survival instinct to prevent us from getting into trouble from messing around with things we know nothing about. It is the opposite of and probably meant to balance curiosity/boldness which motivates us to explore the unknown so we may improve our situation.

But while shyness may be somewhat of a good thing that may protect us when we are young and really know nothing much about the world, to be dominated by it unnecessarily prevents us from doing or even thinking about what we need to in order to learn more about our world and improve our situation.

Thus, although we may have been sheltered and raised in circumstances that would tend to make us accustomed to being shy, there inevitably comes a time when we need to face our shyness head-on and determine to deal with it before it becomes what will rule our destiny.

The first step in overcoming shyness or hiya is in realizing that it is simply a figment of our imagination that exists solely in our minds. There is no physical force that obliges us to be shy. It is like a dark room in our consciousness that either makes us afraid because we cannot see what is in it or comforts us as we hide unseen by whatever we are afraid of.

It is actually just this fear or comfort that we automatically cling to simply out of habit that makes shyness such a daunting or even terrifying thing to face up to.

What never occurs to some people is that our mind works much like a light switch. Just like switching the light on in a dark room instantly dispels the darkness, once our minds are enlightened the light will stay on until we make an effort to, or do something that, makes us switch the light off again.

Think of how love can turn into hate in an instant, happiness into despair, fear of losing into the joy of victory. All these happen in an instant, like a flick of a switch. Why? Because our mind tells us to think so, in other words, being ruled by what we instinctively "like" or "dislike".

In fact, the reality is that since shyness only exists in our mind, all we need to do is to make a conscious effort to tell our mind who the boss is and tell it what we want it to think - flick the switch - to make it go away.

It is only by cultivating the habit of taking control of conscious our minds rather than simply letting our subconscious order it around that we will ever be able to take our fates into our own hands and be the masters of our own destiny.

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Need more proof? Think of all the famous and successful people in the world and those you admire. Certainly, many if not most were also shy up to some point in their lives when they decided to flick the switch, so to speak, if only to be able to do what they wanted to do. Is there even a single one of them who can be considered shy to this day?

So, while we don't necessarily have to be as rich and famous as they are, it would seem like a really good thing to work on.

Okay, while it seems quite easy to say "get rid of your shyness" it seems quite easier said than done.

So how to do?

Well. like almost everything else, practice makes perfect. And what better way to practice than to practice on strangers? At least if you make a fool of yourself in front of someone you have never met and will probably never see again, it probably won't be the end of the world, right?

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For Filipinos at least, the biggest fear that has been ingrained into the culture is the dreaded "What will people think of me?". Now, while this does help in moderating our behavior to promote politeness and decency, Filipinos have a tendency to carry it to the extreme.

Thus, we have an innate aversion to approaching and talking to strangers. The thought of walking up to a stranger and striking up a conversation actually terrifies many people. And yet it does not cross our minds that we do in fact approach and talk to strangers and vice-versa EVERYDAY and are none the worse for it!

Do we know the countless clerks, employees and service providers we need to talk to everyday as we go about their business? Or do we know the countless clients, customers and workers like us who approach us everyday to avail of our services? Do we really care what they think of us at all or are we simply concerned with our purpose?

More to the point, when we approach strangers for whatever reason, is it really the act of approaching them that may make them think ill of us or is it rather the manner in which we approach them that will form their opinion about us?

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And there lies the key.

But first let me make a confession. Although people might not think so, I also used to be shy once upon a time. While I could bring myself to rise up to the occasion when obliged to do so there were many things which I simply had a hard time doing unless it was a matter of survival or vital interest.

As a teen-ager, I was fond of singing while playing the guitar or the piano.But for the life of me, performing in public was something that needed quite a lot of motivation to do.

It was only when I ended up wandering around for a few months across France and Switzerland that I finally managed to force myself to sing in public in front of open-air cafes or on the sidewalk, if only to earn enough to feed myself.

Later, I did enjoy singing a song or two with a Filipino disco band I got to drive to their engagements if only to impress a prospect for the night. But strangely enough, even this still did not cure me of my shyness which on hindsight cost me quite a few lost opportunities had I been bold enough to pursue them.

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When, I got back to the Philippines, it was like I had a dual personality. I was on one hand, able to bring myself to become a tour guide speaking French and German to bus loads of European tour groups and doing an adequate job at it. But when it came to personally inter-acting with them, I was rather a self-absorbed fumbling clutz unable to figure things out from trying to sort out my conflicting feelings.

And despite all I had gone through, just getting myself to start singing at karaoke was surprisingly always a major struggle! Needless to say, this again caused a lot of missed opportunities I could have taken advantage of as well.

It was only at the late age of 36 when I finally got steady work with what was probably the pioneer of direct sales in the Philippines that I eventually really managed to overcome my shyness. As usual, it began with the need to survive.

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If there are any surefire ways to get rid of shyness, doing direct sales is probably at the top of the list. This is because you are essentially obliged to walk up to total strangers about a hundred times a day and try to make the sale ideally in a minute or two or three. This means that you would have approached at least 2-3,000 strangers already in just a month alone, what more for a year or more. Obviously, if you get to do it long enough, your shyness will eventually fly out the window sooner or later especially when you are rewarded by ever-increasing sales.

There is actually a system they teach to do all this and after struggling for about a month to get the hang of it, I eventually went on to become the first Filipino manager of the company setting records that I doubt have been matched up to this day.

But that is another story.

The point is, the greatest challenge for shy people is actually how to gather up enough courage to walk up to a total stranger and start talking to them. Everything else is much easier by comparison. In fact, a major part of training in direct sales involves simply teaching people how to perfect the first ten seconds of the transaction comprising the introduction. Whether you ever do sales or never do, it is this part which we can learn and practice to help us overcome our shyness. At the very least you can learn how to pretend properly until you do!

It is actually in these first 10 seconds that 80 or 90% of the success of the transaction (or whatever you are up to) depends upon, the so-called "first impression". So much for sales talk! It is whether the person likes you or finds you "worthy" in those first ten seconds that determines the outcome of the rest of the story. As long as he likes you, the person might still accept your proposition even if he does not really like it. But he will most certainly not buy your story even if he may be interested if he does not like you or find you "worthy".

Thus, the critical importance of the first ten seconds.

So what is the secret?

Having SEX!

Well, actually, not THAT kind of sex! Rather, it is an acronym for Smile, Eye-to-eye contact and eXcitement :)

Now the point is really not to teach people how to do direct sales but rather how to overcome their shyness by learning to get over their fear of talking to strangers by showing them the easiest and most effective way to do it.

Basically, everything begins with a friendly, reassuring and confident smile. Ideally, you should be smiling at the moment the person looks at you. This tends to put them at ease and relax their guard. They may even wonder if you have ever met before which will arouse their curiosity and make them receptive to hear from you. This will also divert their thoughts from possible negative impressions.

The next step is eye to eye contact. The moment the person sees you smiling at him or your eyes meet you need to maintain eye-to-eye contact until you start talking. This is the crucial moment as maintaining eye contact tells the person that you have something to say and he/she will be expecting you to tell him/her what it is all about, again, rather than thinking of anything else.

Under no circumstances should you avert your gaze at the moment of contact or you will lose the momentum created by your smile. This usually takes a conscious effort until you get used to it as most of us are used to instinctively averting our eyes when we happen to meet a stranger's gaze accidentally in public.

While your over-all appearance naturally makes a difference on the impression we make, a firm eye-to-eye contact makes perhaps an equally strong impression and can actually divert the person's attention from scrutinizing more closely what we are wearing.

Finally, it is important that whatever we end up saying first is said in an engaging, friendly and happy-to-see you manner as this will set the tone of whatever follows and tends to evoke the same emotion, oblige the person to answer in a similar manner and make them receptive to whatever you may want to tell them.

Even practicing this seemingly simple routine throughout the day with everyone we communicate with will tend to provide tangible benefits in our everyday lives. It will make us more relaxed and confident in dealing with people and also make them more relaxed and inclined to deal favorably with us regardless of who we are talking to, whether it be the lowliest employee, a person in authority or simply a person of the opposite sex we want to know better.

And eventually, we could realize that it is much more fun and rewarding to be relaxed and easy-going and there is actually no reason to be uptight and shy after all :) Who knows, it might even make a positive impact on your love life :)

(joelannesley.com)