DISCLAIMER : REPOSTING FROM MY WORDPRESS

2016 blog

It's funny that I came to read this again and see how emotional I was writing stuff like this but still, I thank the Lord Jesus for giving me an avenue to air out all my emotions, instead of either suppressing them or repressing them. To God be the glory!

To the man I never ever have commitment with but I have committed to God to love.

Let me just tell you that I prayed for you long time ago and it took me so long to recognize that it’s you.

I know it sounds crazy and all, I never really believed that I would be able to return to God anymore knowing how unclean I was. Have had destructive relationships and just gave up on love.

I never really knew that God himself is love until that day in October 2015 where I was so confused. Confusion didn’t last for a short time, it had me sleepless nights, weeks, months of trying to figure out what am I to you. Every time people would ask us of what we are, I felt so unfair that I have to explain. I always have to say “NO” because, that’s really what it was, we were really never an item and all you did nothing. You, shut up.

You shutting up was the hardest part because we never talk about us. It was hard because I didn’t want things to go wrong and I wanted things to remain how it was. Us being just so comfortable with one another and can talk anything under the sun without hesitation except about us. I felt like we both avoided it and God knows how much I tried to avoid falling for you.

Team Dinner before resigning from NILS

Emotional as I am, I consulted trusted friends and colleagues about what they think and I was always told that you were just going to leave me hoping. It hurts but I didn’t want to believe it and had to fight with myself about it like how I always do in the past. I never experienced that kind of pain, excruciating pain.

Here comes a friend whom I haven’t been able to talk to for a long time and I told her about you because I know that she’s not going to be somehow biased because you were not close with her and she doesn’t know me well too. I thought it was right to talk to her which I did and guess what she said, “Ask God!”

Tell me about asking God about it, HELLO?!? Prody will ask God about it by going to church?

I was hesitant because I have never been into churches for more than a decade and I was never really a spiritual person I wasn’t even sure if I believed in all those religiosity but I gave it a try.

Guess what, God didn’t answer me but He took a lot of me. He took my confusion the moment I stepped out from the service, He called me to go to Him. That very Sunday, I knew I was going to be different. I knew I was never going to be the same Rubi that I was.

Truly, a lot has changed and I was trying my best to hide it from you , yet you noticed it and my tongue slipped that one particular day.

Remember December 7, 2015, when I arranged a date for us, my cousin you and me. We went to a small cozy restaurant and I told both of you of how God came to me and all my experiences and I was so happy that time but at the same time I was also nervous. The only reaction both of you had were smiles.

Imagine, both of you were just smiling the entire time I was talking and telling you my story. After that, I asked my cousin, why didn’t she tell me or convince me to talk to God or invite me to church and she said “because, I know it’s not me who’s going to move our family.” and you said ” I prayed for you”.

Those words struck me like a bolt from the blue because I never really thought that someone is really praying for my salvation and both of you were the only people whom I can trust fully and whom I believe can help me with my journey with God. I never expected that coming from you because you were a hard man. You were difficult to understand.

From that day forward, I was so confident that I was nothing to you but a friend. But a part of me is whispering, this is not just friendship because friends don’t go out together almost every payday alone, friends don’t go home very late just to finish a serve of milktea and talking in the park, friends don’t watch movies alone, and friends don’t exchange messages as often as female-female friends do.

So, I had to stay grounded to the fact that we were just friends and I didn’t care if how others see us.

Christmas vacation came and we had to go home to our respective hometowns but we really never stopped communicating. You sending me bits of what happened to your day made me feel that I am also obliged to tell you what happened to my day. We never really stopped and I felt like “friends don’t do this”.

Christmas eve when we greeted each other “Merry Christmas” but it wasn’t just that we were talking about us. You were telling me about me and I telling you about you but we got stuck in a part where you said “we both know when we are telling jokes” and my heart leaped and I asked God, that very moment, not to make things happen that moment because I wasn’t ready. Thankfully, God answers instantly and so I said “Yes, of course. You didn’t talk to me for a month, I think I know a bit of you already but I was still hoping to know more about you.” and you said I will.

The following days of that vacation was fun because I had to spend time with my cousins and for the first time in history, me and my family prayed together and I told you first hand of what happened and I remember how happy you were for me the same way how I did after that.

In those times I started asking God if it’s you whom I’m going to end up together, I asked God that if it’s you then let it be but if no then let His will be done. But God is so amazing that He never allowed me to be confused again, instead he made my heart at peace with whatever we had.

Things changed drastically in my life and I will forever thank God for this. I never felt this light as ever, secure and this happy.

Then January 2016 came and you got sick and I didn’t know what was I thinking and ended up buying you medicines and sent you home. I will never forget that time where I had to stay in your house for a couple of hours to take care of you. I was so nervous and while we were on our way, I was talking to God and telling Him that nothing wrong should happen while I was there. I really was very nervous that night. I was so nervous that I wanted to call your brother to ask him to come home for you but you were so kind to your brother that you didn’t want to disturb him in the prayer meeting.

It was my first time taking care of a sick guy friend. I mean I have guy friends and we don’t treat each other the same way we did for each other. It was very memorable to me.

Days passed and February came and I got busy with my papers for Japan and you announced your resignation to our colleagues but you never told me about it. I was going to ask, “when are you going to tell me and why didn’t you tell me” but I kept it to myself because I know how hard you are and know that you’ll never answer those questions. You don’t want to be provoked and you have such pride so I didn’t bother.

You and I planned to resign when we reached 1 year in the company but you didn’t make it. I felt so bad and I was asking God if is it my fault that you had to resign because you have no other close friend at work but me and I had to leave for Japan in few months. Our co-workers were thinking the same way, they thought that because I was leaving for Japan and you don’t have any other close friends, might as well resign ahead of me before I leave the country. Until now, I am still not sure if it is God telling me that it was really your reason or not but regardless of it. I just didn’t bother.

When I started processing my papers we started this group called the CORE wherein our goal is to reach the lost souls just as I am to get them back to the herd of God. It went well and I was so happy the you are walking with me in the journey of following Christ. I wasn’t thinking much of what we really are but I constantly talk to God about you.

Until the day of my flight I was still thinking about you and me more than I was thinking about my family. I was thinking more about the CORE and I was thinking about how are we going to manage everything and how are things going to be when I arrive Japan.

Now that I am in Japan, I am still thinking about it and I there was never a time that I didn’t mention you about God. I asked God to bless you as always. I asked God that if it’s really you then so let His will be done but if it isn’t you then He help me surrender you.

There were couple of times where I told God to surrender my feelings for you because I don’t know where it’s going. Now that I heard from a church friend that you won’t be sending me a message anymore because I’m too talkative and I knew that she was sure that you were waiting for someone and that’s not me, I felt sad and I asked God to take this desire of mine to have you as my future husband.

The moment I arrive here in Japan I was already claiming that you will be my future husband but I am doing my best to stop this craze because I am not sure of you will be but one thing is for sure God knows exactly what I felt for you since the day you caused confusion in me that paved way to make me closer to God.

You might not be able to read this now or will be but if God allows you to read this. I want you to know that I promised God to love you honestly, truly and completely even if there is an uncertainty that we’ll end up together in the end and I also asked God that my next boyfriend will be just like you, a friend of mine who’s a christian by heart, who has the same belief as me, who is spiritually mature and who loves God more than me and who will accept me the same way God accepted me as His daughter.

I might not be able to fulfill my promise to love you and so I also asked God to help me love you and stay committed to you until the time He reveals to me who will be my future husband. I may not have a commitment with you but I have a commitment with our Father that I will continue to love you, stay committed to you and to wait for our father’s timing.

So before I end this, I want you to know I love you with the love of God.

See you soon! 9 months more and I’ll be back. I pray that God will amaze both of us in whatever His plans for us are in the future, even if I don’t understand what’s going on and what happened to us. I put my trust to my Father who saved me!