Greetings, Steem Monsters and Monstresses!

I come bearing comedy!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern is a creation of myself and my wife, @carrieallen. I write the scripts, she produces the sound, and we enlist the help of some fellow talented Steemians...

@SimGirl

as the Goblin Sorcerer

@Enginewitty

as the Lord of Darkness

We're gonna be performing this bad boy LIVE in just minutes on DLIVE! Follow @carrieallen, we're going live at about 3:15 MST (5:15 EST). Be there for a chance to win some Booster Packs!!!

UPDATE: HERE is Carrie's DLive post, which includes the live audio performance at about 14:00.

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THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN - Episode 4 - “Summoner’s Pub”

CHARACTERS

GOBLIN SORCERER - The Bartender.
TWISTED JESTER - Prone to rage.
FERAL SPIRIT - Basically a cat.
LORD OF DARKNESS - Gold-foil, unstoppable. Super cool.
DEFENDER OF TRUTH - Brutally honest.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG
SOUND FX- SALOON

NARRATOR
In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the drinks are always free, the popcorn’s always fresh, and you can tilt the pinball machine in the corner as much as you’d like. The monsters are getting to know each other, as they party through a seemingly endless night. We find the Goblin Sorcerer in his usual place behind the bar. He is attempting to mediate a dispute between a Feral Spirit and the Twisted Jester. Let’s listen in, shall we?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Alright, everybody just calm down! Don’t you think you can just juggle with two balls?

TWISTED JESTER
A laughable question! HAhahaha! Anyone can juggle with two balls. My act involves juggling three balls, as well as two flaming swords and a chainsaw. For I am the Twisted Jester!

FERAL SPIRIT
Meow… Meow!!

TWISTED JESTER
I knew he did it on purpose! Lemme at him!

FERAL SPIRIT
[alarmed cat sound]

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wait, wait. There’s no way he did it on purpose. I mean how can you blame this cute little feral spirit for anything?

FERAL SPIRIT
[cute meow]

GOBLIN SORCERER
See what I mean? Adorable.

TWISTED JESTER
I’m telling you. This little bastard can’t be trusted! I went to the bathroom for two minutes, then I came back to find this little monster in my bag, with the remains of my third juggling ball dangling from its mouth.

FERAL SPIRIT
Meow.

TWISTED JESTER
Alright, that’s it!

SOUND FX -SUCK POP- KITTY

GOBLIN SORCERER
C’mon, Twisted Jester! You scared him. Now he’s teleported up to the ceiling and we’ll never get him down. How about if I just magic you another juggling ball.

TWISTED JESTER
I guess, if you think you can get the weight right. I go on in fifteen minutes in the Summoner’s Pub.

GOBLIN SORCERER
One magic juggling ball, coming right up!

SOUND FX -GOBLIN MAGIC

There you go! Now you can quit yer bitchin’! And what the hell is the Summoner’s Pub anyway?

TWISTED JESTER
I’ve said too much.

SOUND FX - FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY

GOBLIN SORCERER
That was weird…

FERAL SPIRIT
Meow…

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m not calling the fire department. You teleported yourself up there, I’m pretty sure you can teleport yourself down.

FERAL SPIRIT
Meow…

SOUND FX - FOOTSTEPS FADE IN

LORD OF DARKNESS
Hey, Goblin Sorcerer! What’s the Twisted Jester so pissed off about?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, hey, Goldie. He was about to kill that Feral Spirit for eating one of his juggling balls.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Can’t you just magic him up a new juggling ball?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I did. I think he was just looking for a fight.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m not surprised. Did you hear? The Twisted Jester’s origin story has gotten around, and it’s ugly.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh, yeah! That was pretty messed up.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s what I’m talking about. The king killed his wife and kids during his act, with his own throwing knives. You don’t come back from something like that.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Nope. We should probably cut the guy some slack.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Poor guy, he’s so delusional he thinks he’s got two flaming swords and a chainsaw in his juggling act, but he only ever juggles those three balls.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sad. So before he ran off, the Twisted Jester mentioned something called the Summoner’s Pub. What do you know about, Goldie? You’re the man with all the answers.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I have heard some chatter about the Summoner’s Pub. This shit’s gonna blow your mind.

GOBLIN SORCERER
This is the Steem Monsters Tavern, dude. I’m used to my mind being blown.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Fair enough. So have you met any Summoners yet?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t think so. How would I know?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh, you can just tell. They’re always looking down their noses at us monsters.... Even the Legendaries like me. They think they can boss everybody around.

GOBLIN SORCERER
They must have some serious powers, huh?

LORD OF DARKNESS
You’d think so, but nah, most of them are just regular people. No powers or anything. If you can stand to talk to one for more than two minutes, they’ll give you this whole spiel about how when they summon us, we must do their bidding.

GOBLIN SORCERER
The nerve!

LORD OF DARKNESS
I know! I mean here I am, an all-powerful gold foil collectible edition Lord of Darkness. I could pretty much vaporize any one of them with one crack of my flame whip, and they have the gall to say that I’ll do their bidding?

GOBLIN SORCERER
So what about Summoner’s Pub? What is it? Is it near here? How do I get there?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Easy, buddy. It’s not far, but you ain’t invited. None of the monsters in here are, except the Twisted Jester. The Summoners like to laugh at him.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Why would we want a different drinking spot anyway? I love this place! The booze is always free!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Don’t be so sure. The booze is free at the Summoner’s Pub too. But get this. I heard they have a foosball table.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Did someone say foosball? I love foosball!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Whoa! Where did you come from?

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
I’ve been here all along! I was hiding under the bar eavesdropping on your conversation!

LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s not very polite, little guy.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
Polite? What do I care about polite? Above all, I am honest! For I am the Defender of Truth!

GOBLIN SORCERER and LORD OF DARKNESS
Ohhhhh.

GOBLIN SORCERER
We were just saying there may be a foosball table in the Summoner’s Pub.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
We shall ride a glorious campaign of foosball table retrieval! The bards shall sing the tales of our adventures! To the Summoner’s Pub!

LORD OF DARKNESS
I think we’re good here, dude. I’m not crazy about foosball anyway. You can’t even play with a drink in your hand. One-handed-ness is crucial to a good bar game.

DEFENDER OF TRUTH
I shall lead the campaign, and may the monsters rally behind me! Onward to glory!

SOUND FX - Footsteps RUN AWAY

GOBLIN SORCERER
I thought he was joking.

LORD OF DARKNESS
The Defender of Truth never jokes… Though he’s usually the butt of one.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s a bunch of minotaur crap about the Summoner’s Pub. But you’re right. I’d rather play darts and ping-pong anyway. I almost forgot! I’ve got some gossip for you this time, Goldie!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh yeah? Lemme have it!

GOBLIN SORCERER
So I got this from the Undead Priest. Apparently he’s been traveling back and forth between here and The Splinterlands.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What the hell are the Splinterlands?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I guess that’s where we come from. But in the Splinterlands, all the colors are separated into Splinters.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What the hell is a Splinter?

GOBLIN SORCERER
A Splinter is like a continent.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Then why don’t they call them Continents.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Beats me. Anyway. The Undead Priest says that there’s a tree that he found out there in the Mystical Woods that has a portal in it.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh, one of those tree portals that you’re always hearing about, eh?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Apparently it’s for real. You squeeze yourself through one particular knothole in this tree, and you get zapped straight to the Splinterlands.

LORD OF DARKNESS
So you come out of another tree?

GOBLIN SORCERER
I guess in each of the Splinters there’s a portal tree just like the one here. You just go to the Splinter of your color.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Sounds a little racist.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s what I thought!

LORD OF DARKNESS
I mean, we all get along together fine here in the Steem Monsters Tavern. Why do we need to be segregated?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Well I can tell you one thing: I won’t be visiting these Splinterlands any time soon.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Me neither! No thank you!

BOTH LAUGH

GOBLIN SORCERER
I couldn’t get the Undead Priest to tell me how to get to the tree. He’s trying to keep it a secret.

LORD OF DARKNESS
That little twerp is on some kind of power trip. I’ll bet he’ll tell it to my flame whip. And if that doesn’t work I’ll just beat it out of him. Haven’t given anybody a good beating in awhile.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sounds like a plan, Goldie. You’ll probably find him wandering in the woods, just being undead.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Alright then, Goblin Sorcerer! So long for now.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey man, why so formal? You can call me Frank.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Thanks, Frank! Before I go, do you want me to get big and grab that Feral Spirit off the ceiling?

GOBLIN SORCERER
No, it’s cool. He’ll just teleport away when he sees you coming. Skittish little bastard.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Til next time, Frank! Just forget about the Summoner’s Pub! Who needs ‘em?

SOUND FX - FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT

GOBLIN SORCERER (to himself)
I wonder if the Summoner’s Pub has Wifi…

NARRATOR
It turns out that the Summoner’s have formed their own exclusive club not far from the Steem Monsters Tavern, and some of the monsters are wondering if the beer is colder on the other side of the woods.The Defender of Truth is determined to kidnap the Summoner’s foosball table, and Goldie, the Lord of Darkness is off to interrogate the Undead Priest about the mysterious tree portal in the Mystic Woods. Will the Monsters discover their ability to travel in and out of the Splinterlands? It doesn’t much matter, because in the Steem Monsters Tavern, the booze is always free and the party never ends.

SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN OUTRO

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