Who's ready for some #SteemMonsters comedy?!

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My wife @carrieallen and I love Steem Monsters... I mean, we love each other too, but mostly Steem Monsters.

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Currently, we're both working tirelessly on the official Steem Monsters Lore Creation... There's going to be a hard-bound campaign book. It's going to be amazing when it's ready, and it won't be too much longer.

In the meantime, feel free to ask @carrieallen or myself about any details about the Splinterlands, the monsters' history, or anything writing-related. We got the answers!

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What the hell is Steem Monsters Tavern?

Glad you asked. This is a little sketch comedy series I've been doing since the beginning of #steemmonsters. It's completely unofficial "spinoff" material originally intended to provide updates in a humorous context, but it's beginning to form into an entire world that I have lovingly begun calling Steem Monster Rebels. Hehehe.
These are written to be performed live, and that will happen at some point in the next few days through @carrieallen's DLIVE channel... so follow her. Our impromptu performances are always a good time!

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On to the Script!

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The Steem Monsters Tavern - Episode 7 - "Bringing the Storm"

by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS

GOBLIN SORCERER - Always behind the bar.
MEDUSA - A Gorgon. Accidentally turns people to stone.
SPINEBACK TURTLE - A big turtle. Moves pretty slow.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The original boss-man.
ALRIC STORMBRINGER - Spying from the Summoner’s Pub.

SOUND FX - TAVERN THEME SONG
SOUND FX - BEGIN BAR NOISE

NARRATOR
On a dark and stormy night deep in the heart of the Enchanted Woods, warm light is streaming from the windows of a large wooden building while voices of merriment resound from within. This is the Steem Monsters Tavern, and though it may be storming, inside the Tavern the booze is always free and plentiful. The little Goblin Sorcerer is once again behind the bar, attempting to meet the needs of ever-growing numbers of monsters.

GOBLIN SORCERER
One at a time! Alright, I’ve got your Bloody Mary right here Medusa.

MEDUSA
Thank you so much! But I left my sunglasses at the table, so don’t look at me or you’ll turn to stone.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’m not looking at you, but isn’t it a little rude to walk into a crowd of people when they turn to stone just by looking at you?

MEDUSA
I am what I am. Gorgons get thirsty sometimes too. Hmphh. I’ll just go back to my table and put my sunglasses on.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Gorgon, coming through! Don’t look at her! Except maybe for you, SilverShield Warrior! Hehe.

SILVERSHIELD WARRIOR
Excuse me? I’m working on my fantasy football draft. I wasn’t paying attent--

SOUND FX - ZAP

GOBLIN SORCERER
It worked! He looked right up and turned to stone! Hilarious.

SPINEBACK TURTLE
Evening, Goblin Sorcerer. May I please have a bowl of tequila? Top shelf only, none of that Cuervo crap.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Sure thing, Mr. Spineback Turtle.

SPINEBACK TURTLE
I like your new Silvershield Warrior statue. It looks just like the real thing.

GOBLIN SORCERER
It does, doesn’t it? Here’s your bowl of tequila.

SPINEBACK TURTLE
Could you set it on the floor over there in the corner of the room? I’m on all fours here.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Too busy. I’ll magic it over there for you.

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

GOBLIN SORCERER
There it is, over in the corner. You’d better hurry; it looks like the Spineback Wolf is already sniffing around the area.

SPINEBACK TURTLE
I’ll get over there as fast as I can. Cheers!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Man, he’s slow. Alright, who’s next?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Make way for the Lord of Darkness! Here I come. Gold foil legendary, coming through! Hey hey, Frank! How’s it going? It’s raining Kobolds and Minotaurs out there!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Busy as ever, Goldie! It’s like every night there are twice as many monsters as the night before.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I believe it. This game is really catching on.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Look, man, this may be just a game to you, but this is my livelihood.

LORD OF DARKNESS
No, I mean Steem Monsters. Tons of new monsters are being generated all the time.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Generated?

LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah. It’ll blow your mind, little dude. I was just hanging out with the Frost Giant in his igloo out back. He was coming down from a week-long peyote binge. Told me some crazy stuff.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’d love to hear the new gossip, but I’m really busy right now. Medusa just came up to the bar without her sunglasses on, and now I’ve got four stone statues standing in the middle of my tavern.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Why don’t you take a little break? These monsters can wait. Anybody have a problem with that?! Didn’t think so… I was wondering about the statues. Looks like she got the Silvershield Warrior.

GOBLIN SORCERER
She also got a Minotaur Warrior, the Peacebringer and the Undead Priest. The only one that looked at her and didn’t turn to stone was the Stone Golem over there, and it’s probably because he’s already stone.

LORD OF DARKNESS
I’m pretty sure the Angel of Light can get those statues reanimated for you.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Good to know, but I’m gonna leave them for a little while; it’s giving me a break. I may keep the Silvershild Warrior statue indefinitely. It’s really growing on me.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Ooh, you’ll love this! I was hanging out in the mermaids cuddle puddle last night. I’m like a superstar to them ever since that Mer-Mag featurette came out. Anyway, they were all over me… figured you’d like some details.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Would I ever! Tell me everything!

SOUND FX - RECORD SCRATCH, NOISE STOPS.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Who the hell are you, stranger?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
I am Alric Stormbringer, the famed summoner, and I come hither from the Summoner’s Pub.

GOBLIN SORCERER
That place still open?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Indeed it is, my pointy friend, and thriving. Unfortunately, I finished last in the evening’s foosball tournament, and so the most unpleasant of duties has fallen to me.

LORD OF DARKNESS
What’s the most unpleasant duty?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Other than the one I presume you leave in the toilet each morning, I’m referring to my trip to the Steem Monsters Tavern.

GOBLIN SORCERER
We like it here. If you’ve got a problem-

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Little fellow. Bring me a towel for my hair and cloak, for the relentless deluge outside these walls hath rendered me soaked to the undergarments.

GOBLIN SORCERER
I can’t spare any dry towels.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
I have summoned you! Do my bidding!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Easy buddy. No need to shout. And no one’s gonna do your bidding around here.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
But I’m a summoner! I can summon any of you!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Dude, we’re not in the Splinterlands anymore. Here you’re just an old wet guy who talks funny and wears blue.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Dammit! The others told me that you would all have to do my bidding.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Didn’t you say your name was Stormbringer?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Yes, Stormbringer. It means “Bringer of Storm.”

GOBLIN SORCERER
So you’re the reason it’s storming?

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
I did bring a storm with me, as I often do.

LORD OF DARKNESS
Just get out little man. And take your storm with you.

ALRIC STORMBRINGER
Your flame whip strikes fear into my summoner’s heart, and so I shall take my leave.

GOBLIN SORCERER
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Catch you later, Stormsucker!

GOBLIN SORCERER
You suck at foosball!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Good one, Frank!

GOBLIN SORCERER
I’ve got an idea! Hey Medusa! Come over here, would you? Wear your sunglasses! C’mon!

LORD OF DARKNESS
What’re you up to, sneaky little Goblin?

MEDUSA
What’s up, guys?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Alric Stormbringer just left, heading back to the Summoner’s Pub, and it would be a real shame if he were to say, accidentally turn into a statue in the woods.

MEDUSA
I get what you’re saying. That would be a shame…

LORD OF DARKNESS
I don’t know if you get it yet, Medusa. He was hoping you could follow the Storm Tool guy into the woods and turn him into stone.

MEDUSA
Ohhhhhh.. Now I get it! Well, I’m usually only turning people to stone by accident, but I guess I could try it on purpose this time. Here I go!

GOBLIN SORCERER
Wait! Take this magic umbrella.

SOUND FX - GOBLIN MAGIC

Good luck!

LORD OF DARKNESS
Nice, little man. But don’t you think that was a little… cruel?

GOBLIN SORCERER
Maybe. What can I say? Job’s got me disgruntled. Who’s next?!

NARRATOR
About a minute later, the storm suddenly stops, as Alric Stormbringer is presumably turned to stone and the storm stops being brought. After the rain, the monsters gather outside for an impromptu game of mud football and an excellent time is had by all. As expected, the Lord of Darkness is the strongest player. We’ll see you next time on The Steem Monsters Tavern!

SOUND FX - TAVERN THEME SONG

THE END

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