A potent piece that could apply to many themes in life, both personal and in the collective. I went ahead and read your notes before writing this and wish I had not, or at least had waited until after this writing (it’s almost like a tick for me, I prefer to not know what the artist was thinking, as I have said before in other places). That said, I found so much here to get tangled in.

The first stanza is sticky in a heavy kind of way — lines like “we risk our horses in the skirmish”, brings in the others, not just humans, but animals and ideas that illustrate the weight and cost of being at war — that it’s never predictable, that the loses are felt in ways not known until after the blood has been spilt and the ground is soggy of the dead as the deeds of men lie in the cauldron of hubris. “perishing while waiting for what lasts not”, the closing line in the first stanza gets to the loss and questions why — I really love how the idea of “perishing while waiting” ruminates in the mind, the images these words conjure actually made me think of some of the great works from Francisco de Goya (one of my Idols). Waiting and perishing all at once, talk about the human condition and the ever turning wheel, this one thought is my favorite of the week and I thank you for that.

As we move to the second stanza I was struck by the beauty of if as a whole and can say that it is the star of the show for me and could be a piece all on its own, and perhaps should be. These are voluminous thoughts, questions really, that have a very engaging nature. Ideas like “eating our own longings”, “vipers that sow in our lives” and topped off with the word “inconstant” are strangely hopeful in a darkened, aware way, because of the questioning slant that this stanza sets up. The whole stanza is a call to consciousness and serves as an option to more forward, to look at the vipers in our life and to see what the cost is by staying that course, If we are forced to eat our own longings, to sacrifice what we desire and yearn for, what is left on the field but death and the wafting stench it brings.

For me, the first two stanzas are the poem and the stanzas that follow only clutter the elegance of what you set up. Perhaps this piece would benefit from the observance of minimalism?

Moving onto the rest of the piece, the first line of the third stanza actually put me off (giggles), “Remove from your mind that vain thought” as it feels to judgmental for the heights of what is possible from this piece — statements (hell, this is a command) like this actually bring out my rebellious nature. I would not have said anything here but I feel it is a valid consideration given the overarching goodness the poem is striving for.

I enjoy the sowing imagery intertwined with dreams of possibilities in the fourth stanza, again, it feels like overkill and could just be the bones of another great poem altogether.

And for the last stanza, as with the third it also kind of put me off because of the preachy quality. Again, and not to beat a dead horse, I feel this is asking a lot. By this time in the poem the beauty of the first two stanzas is completely out of mind, sadly.

I feel I need to qualify my stance on “preachy” and “judgmental” in writing. They have a place, as all things do and those elements could work here (for me) if the whole of the piece was presented in a different way, they just dull the luster and come off as needlessly harsh, which is not what you are trying to achieve (imo).

So, to reiterate, I want to let you know that I adore so much of what is going on with this piece and you put together some truly wonderful and inspiring thoughts in a very poetic voice. I actually went back and allowed myself to just enjoy the strong opening so that the piece, the word pictures, could blossom in my mind and bring forth inspiration for me, and that is what I enjoy most about reading poetry. Thank you. :)