Seeking Other Mamas' advice: Are we really friends or competitors? (#Ulog 5)
We have known each other for a long time...since we were both teenagers, long before we were mothers.
The picture interestingly comes from here
She went to an elite private school during her primary and high school years. I went to a public, government school.
She did incredibly well in her HSC (The exam you take in Australia for university entry purposes) and went on to study a science/maths based degree. I did OK in my HSC and went to study education.
We grew up together, served together and shared many ups and downs together.
For a long time, I considered her one of my closest friends and the feeling was mutual for her.
But now we are mothers. And something has changed dramatically between us.
At first I couldn't put my finger on it, but overtime it has become more and more apparent: My success directly affected her happiness in a detrimental way.
I first noticed it when I got pregnant... she didn't seem so thrilled for me. I brushed it off as just her really wanting to be pregnant too. But now, even little things seem to upset her, especially when it comes to our children.
She makes judgmental remarks about my parenting, she withholds praise when my child reaches a milestone before hers (like bike riding) and she gets upset and asks a lot of confronting questions when my child starts an extracurricular activity before hers.
Things that would not even occur to me as reasons for comparison, she turns it into a competition.
Lately, I've really been struggling seeing our relationship as a real and deep kind of friendship. I've started to withhold things from her and it makes me guilty at times, because there are so many good qualities to her as well. It would be so easy to write about her in a one dimensional character sort of way, but in fact she is also incredibly loyal and thoughtful.
I started to remember our younger years together, and I wondered whether it has always been the case of her secretly thinking she's better than me. After all, she came from a family with more money, she IS smarter and holds two degrees. But perhaps it's different now with our children.
Why can't women just support women? Why can't we as mothers just celebrate each others' strengths, help each other with ideas and encourage one another's children together?
It makes me sad that things have changed so drastically with my friend, that I wonder if we are really friends at all?
Do you have a friendship like this in your life?
I would really love to hear your thoughts and advice.
So sorry that you had to go through this, must be really hard having to come to terms with such realisation, especially when it involves a dear one. It's true that sometimes the most critical are the ones closest to us, and that's only because we've seen each other's best and worst and gone through life together. But I also believe that when we allow ourselves to compare and start letting resentment lead us, things could easily go downhill. I've had similar encounters, but not in the context of being a Mama. Still, I believe it would speak the same to you. I would say, ask yourself if this friendship is one that's worth fighting for. If your answer is yes, then find a time where you can both sit and talk one on one. Perhaps before that you could pen down your thoughts and calm your heart down before you decide to do so. Speak from your heart and confront those fears heads on, but still bearing in mind that your ultimate goal is to stay connected. Perhaps she has her own personal struggles and if we are not careful we can easily take our shortcomings and compare them with people's achievements, not knowing that others, too have come a long way to be at where they are. I applaud you for reaching out, mama. And I hope there are other mamas who would offer great advice to give you ideas on what to do, too. Sending you lots of hugs, more power to you.
Thank you @alimamastory for such a long and thoughtful reply. I'll wait for an opportunity to speak to her x
I hope your heart is calm when you're ready to speak with her. Everyone has their own seasons in life, and some are meant to walk with us in this lifelong journey while others are only around for a season. I hope she sees how precious this friendship is, and is more than ready to do what it takes to keep this relationship intact :) let us know how it went if you're comfortable sharing about it, we'd love to celebrate together with you! :) xx
Thanks @alimamastory , I will def. pray about it before approaching the topic.
Bless you and your friend @steemymama :)
I love your advice @alimamasstory!! I sense you have a gentle and quiet spirit!
I love your advice!!
I sense you have a gentle
And quiet spirit!
- vincy
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
Aww you're too kind @vincy :)
Iove you, you beautiful @haikubot! <3
:( that's so hard! Especially a very good friend!!!
I've had challenges with close friendships with girls.. there's always something about them that prevent us from being super close and both being mutually wanting to share and meet each other etc..
Someone told me once that maybe we just have different life stages and are both busy now and I just can't expect that same attention or sharing as I used to.. but it still hurts and feels like I was let down quietly or there's something I have to do to gain that friendship.. that I have to be useful to be kept as a friend..