SteemitMamas Contest - My Greatest Fear As A Parent

This is the first week of the #SteemitMamas Contest and I am a rather late entry, but as I have only recently joined the community, I thought it would be a nice way to ease myself in. That was until I read the first week's topic. Here, take a look for yourself:

The Parent Contest

This contest is open to all parents, both mothers and fathers! It will run for 3 weeks with there being a 1st Place, 2nd Place and 3rd Place Winner each week!

Week 1:

Write a post about your greatest fear as a parent.
We welcome you to dig deep and speak openly about your thoughts. Let’s start up some good and maybe helpful conversations amongst us parents! Tell us how this fear came about. You can even add in some tips or strategies you have used to help you cope with this. What eases your fearful thoughts?

Rules:
1 . You must write about the said subject.
2 . Your post must be at least 100 words.
3 . Use @steemitmamas as your first tag.
4 . Post a link to your entry in the comments.

The first week of this contest begins now and will end next Thursday on the 31st!

source

Now to begin. I can feel the beetles churning inside my stomach. I would have said butterflies, but they are too beautiful an image and this isn't a fluttering. This is a digging and scratching sensation in the very pit of me.

The fears I hold inside around parenthood aren't easy to explain. Well, not for me. They are well hidden behind my confident smile. They are suppressed, and I don't feel at all comfortable facing them right now.

This is a very personal fear and one that goes to the heart of me. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I have two daughters. But sometimes...

...I don't know what it is to be a mother.

Does that make sense?

It started almost twenty years ago. In fact, twenty years ago today I would have been about three months pregnant with my first child. I was over the moon with excitement and in a very happy place. I went to all the prenatal classes, read numerous books, and along the way decided on my birth plan, knowing exactly how I wanted to have my baby.

Unfortunately, my birth plan turned out to be a work of fiction and the fairy tale beginning ended in quite a traumatic C-section delivery. This was just the start though. I still held onto the many beliefs I had been fed concerning motherhood. I believed that the bonding process would be instantaneous and the most natural thing ever. But it wasn't. Not for me.

I suddenly was catapulted into this new chapter of my life. From my fond time as a maiden I had played with dolls, tidied my wendy house and generally trained for the idyllic life of the mother. However, what I found at the beginning of my entrance into motherhood was an extended stay in hospital, itchy legs from the tights I had to wear due to the anaesthetic and a loneliness that was totally new to me.

It was a loneliness brought on by an understanding that I now had another little human being who was totally dependant on me. Yes, I had a husband and caring family who were there to help, but that didn't seem to account for much in the beginning. There was so much only I could provide for my little one.

I had decided to breastfeed. It was just an obvious decision for me. But I hadn't counted on it being so difficult. I still remember the intense pain. And I had to keep doing it, even with the tears streaming down my face. I was so grateful when finally a health visitor came to my home and showed me the right way to place my baby so she could latch on properly. This was weeks after her birth.

The other thing I hadn't counted on was the loss of self I would experience in my first year of motherhood. I spoke of myself in the third person.

"Look what mummy is doing for you." Always... Mummy not I.

I no longer had my days filled with my job. I had hours to fill with my precious little bundle of joy. She wailed constantly with colic. I went along to the local health center and met other new mums. They clucked and beamed. I just looked at them and wondered constantly, 'what am I doing wrong?'

By this point, thank goodness, I had bonded with my child. But I had such an overwhelming guilt within me that it hadn't been instantaneous. I also didn't like much about motherhood. I was tired. I was grouchy. I was alone for hours and hours with just my child for company. Unfortunately, she didn't enjoy long and deep conversations (she does now). She did like nursery rhymes and being held. In fact, she never wanted to be put down.

My life was not my own anymore. I was responsible for so much more. I didn't feel myself and I was miserable with a plastered smile on my face telling everyone how amazing it was to be a mother.

Thankfully, this did pass. I do know who I am again. But my biggest fear is that I will perpetuate the lie.

Parenthood isn't easy. I'm not sure what it means to be a natural mother. I guess there are some out there, but for me, and I guess many others, it doesn't come naturally. It can be a horrific wake up call.

It is also the best thing I have ever done. But it wasn't as expected. It still isn't. I have never felt in control and that, for me, is kind of terrifying.

Oh, those beetles!