I tried so hard!

weeps loudly

I tried so hard to finish!

weeps a little less loudly

But I just couldn't do it!

sniffles then blows nose

I've spent the last three days locked in my bedroom trying to finish my dissertation. I had a goal of finishing a completed first draft by the end of Monday. I wrote 34 more pages...nine on Saturday, ten on Sunday, and I knocked out fifteen on Monday. I tapped out at 80 completed pages, six chapters, with a word count of 20,055 words. I've never written something this big before in my entire life!

My brain is fried. My ass is killing me. I sat and wrote for three days. My back and entire body are stiff from lack of movement. I feel like an old woman. I don't know how much longer this thing is gonna be but I'm nearing the end. I can see the end but I still feel there is more to say.

After 3 days locked in my room I went to see my lovely 9 ft tall sunflower....it died! weeps

I guess growing such a large plant in a container garden didn't provide it with what it needed to thrive. At least I got to see it grow huge and pretty for a moment in time.

I deleted my entire five page introduction and rewrote it. I realized it contained junk from a previous draft that were no longer included. I couldn't fix it so I deleted it and rewrote it. I went through the first three chapters and did corrections where I saw flaws. And then I wrote 30 brand new pages in the last two chapters.

When you write a dissertation the two most important chapters are your results where you talk about the data you collected and the results you found and the discussion chapter where you make sense and explain what your findings mean. I've struggled for a long time to even start these two chapters. In Sociology you have to apply a theory someone else created to your analysis. My advisor picked my theory and I've been intimidated and overwhelmed with trying to figure out how to fit my work into someone elses theory.

But I finally got there. It took three days locked in a room by myself but I got my results and discussion written into a first draft. The discussion is about nine pages long but I feel like I need to say more to fully discuss my topic. I'd say I'll have another ten pages at the least written before all is said and done.

I feel a large sense of disappointment I still have more to write. Writing six chapters and eighty pages worth of research is no easy task and I so wanted to feel the wind in my face and the thrill of freedom. I do acknowledge that I wrote 34 pages worth of academic writing in three days which is no easy task. I also feel a tingle of freedom knowing I got myself over the blockade of fear that existed in dealing with theoretical models. The end is near. I can feel it. It's just going to take a bit more dedication to get to the end and graduate.

I very much miss writing for fun as I write for academia. The style is so different. Writing for fun you have freedom to say or do what you want. In academia you have to use scholarly language and have to pause to cite sources in APA format. You have to stick to a set of standards and rules set by academia which can be boring and crushing for those wishing to have creativity. I might be around steemit a little more but for those who keep up with me I'll be disappearing off and on as I work on those final pages of the greatest writing challenge of my life.