The first crush – how do you deal with your child's romantic interests?

Going through puberty is like going through a minefield for a child, but things aren't exactly easy for the parent either. Sure enough, parents these days find it easier to talk to their children, especially about physical changes - there are plenty of books available, there's health education in many schools. Much less is being said about the psychological changes of this stage – the first stirrings of romantic interest in a tender inexperienced teenager. How do we deal with that?

This stage is crucial as it is the foundation of the relationship you're going to have with your soon to be adult child. If you do it right, your child will see a friend in you, a friend they can confide in and whose advice is valuable. If you mess up, the child will shut you out and keep you in the dark.

The first thing any parent needs to understand is that it is a natural thing. It is normal for a, let's say, 12 year old to show signs of romantic interest, to have a crush on someone. Kids this age talk about members of the opposite sex and there's nothing wrong with it. I feel like stressing this point as it is a mistake a lot of parents do. They panic equating having a crush with being interested in sex.
A friend of mine was telling me all the girls at her 12 years old daughter's school talk about boys and make-up. All the girls, except her daughter, that is. The implications of that statement couldn't have been more obvious – all those other girls have been brought up wrong and are probably destined to a life of sexual promiscuity. Parents need to understand that those precious middle-school crushes are not about sex. There's nothing dirty, on the contrary – it's a very sweet and basically innocent stage. It's the stage when a girl is happy if a classmate walks her back home after school. Maybe share a sandwich and talk. Some parents would freak out at this point, ignoring the fact that at this age, even if they like each other, kids talk about the next day's test or bitch about some very strict teacher they both hate. Please, remember they're both awkward and they haven't got a clue what they're doing!

Any sign of hostility from the parents is liable to trigger the child's alarm system at this point. Faced with intense questioning, coupled with an easily detectable disapproval will only make the kids hide what's going on in their lives. Next time, the girl will make sure the boy doesn't walk her to the front door and they say goodbye two blocks away. The parent doesn't have a right to know what's going on in the child's life, it's a privilege that must be earned. Being in the know is useful so when you notice the girl is coming home alone, you'll know why she is suddenly so downcast? You'll know why and you'll know what you have to do – take her out for an ice cream and buy her a new T-shirt to cheer her up.

Don't fight it!

When my daughter was in school there was a girl a few years older, whose mother was so strict that she wouldn't allow her daughter to wear nylon pantyhose. Not even for the Christmas play, where all girls were to appear as delicate snowflakes and ice queens. The teacher had to buy the girl a pair of pantyhose just for that play. This is an extreme case, but many parents have a tendency to dictate what their children should wear well into their teens. I'm not advocating for people to allow their girls to wear some of the slutty outfits every store seems to sell these days, but normal everyday clothes kids like. Or hairstyles! You cannot keep on braiding your daughter's hair just as you used to do in kindergarten. If your boy suddenly decides to use hair-styling gel, just buy him some, even if you think he looks ridiculous. It's natural they start to take an interest in their looks. It might seem a trivial concern, but if the boy fails to get a smile from the girl he fancies, you might get the blame as you refused to buy him hair gel!

Be discreet!

Let's assume you know a bit about your child's crush. The biggest mistake you can make at this point is making fun of it and discussing it in front of other people. This follows a pattern established ever since they were born. Parents feel the need to share every milestone in their baby's life, even if it's not really a milestone – teething, crawling, standing up, potty training. Parents talk about everything. First crush is not something you can share with the rest of the world, especially not in front of the child experiencing that first love. You don't raise such a subject at the Christmas family gathering: 'Hey Aunt Lucy, have you heard your little nephew is sweet on a girl in his school?'
If the kid has a very special relationship with Aunt Lucy he might confide in her himself, but you're not allowed to bring it up under any circumstance. Embarrass your kid this way and you're out of the loop.

Teachers also need to know how to deal with the many romances they see budding in front of their eyes. As children spend so much time at school it is often that teachers find out if a kid has a crush on someone way before their parents. The same rule applies, be as discreet as possible. Remember that the smallest careless remark about that boy being sweet on that girl might expose them both to the merciless taunts of their classmates.

Meet the boyfriend!

As kids grow up, you'll inevitably come to the first boyfriend or girlfriend stage. The real thing. The one and only. The love of their life. If you haven't earned their respect, you might not even find out.
However, if there is some form of trust between you and your child, chances are you will get to meet the soul-mate, because, as funny as it might seem to many of us, the first real partner is the missing half, the one they have been waiting for their entire – short – life. I don't know if there's any book out there advising parents how to deal with this.
The first thing you need to realize is they're far more embarrassed than you. Basically, you need to help them out at this point.

Poker face

Do not compare your daughter's first boyfriend with the boy you were in love at her age. It is completely irrelevant and, let's face it, your memory might be tricking you, You might choose to remember how cute he was and forget what an asshole he was. Or, you might remember that your first love was indeed an asshole and look suspiciously at the young man your daughter brought home, in search of tell-tale signs that this one is just as bad as the one who broke your heart twenty years ago.
You need to put on your best poker face and hide whatever it is that you're thinking.
It is important that parents do not burden their kids with their own disappointments and fears. Let them live their own lives!

Thanks for reading!

Images: Pixabay