Symmetrical Children

The symmetrical child does not understand that there are adults who have authority over her, because she was created as an equal by her parents. This prevents her from developing her own identity. Instead, he copies his parents' way of being, including his traumas and anxieties.

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We are in a world where children behave more and more like adults and adults like children. Thus, the phenomenon of the symmetrical child could be summarized colloquially. It is a theory developed by the Argentine psychologist Claudia Messing, author of the book How They Feel They Think and today Children (How children feel and think today).

The phenomenon of the symmetric child, also known as the mirror child theory, is based on Messing's clinical discoveries. It highlights the fact that children are increasingly difficult to contain, much more problematized than before, and have fewer psychological resources to complete their individuation process. In addition, they repeat dysfunctional patterns of their parents, according to the author.

There are only two lasting legacies that we can leave for our children. One of them is roots, the other, wings. "
-Hodding Carter-

For this psychologist, the phenomenon of the symmetrical child has its roots in the new styles of creation. In these, there is no constant exercise of authority or a clear definition of maternal, paternal and filial functions. It imposed a kind of excessive democracy, which confuses family hierarchies and in which everyone ends up seeing themselves as peers, when they are not.

The characteristics of the symmetric child

The main characteristic of the symmetric child is that it is very difficult to contain person. She believes she is right all the time, believes she is totally sure of what she wants and hates that limits impose her.

In addition, he gives little credit to adults, because he does not believe that they have anything to contribute to it. They do not see them as more informed, more experienced, or anything else. For her, they are simply her equals.

These children also have difficulty maintaining a relationship with other children, as they are basically conflictive and competitive. They have a low capacity for empathy, because they feel that the world is as they see it, not the opposite.

Similarly, the symmetric child has great difficulty in leaving his parents when adulthood is reached. Not because I am very attached to them, but because I do not know how to structure an independent life project. His adaptability is low, and that is why he prefers to stay in what is known.

The dimensions of the phenomenon

Claudia Messing psychologist points out that the phenomenon of the symmetric child covers four dimensions. The first is the mass imitation or copy of the adult; the second, the parity with the adult; the third, the fantasy of completeness; and the fourth, the lack of individuation. Let's see what each of them is about.

The imitation or mass copy of adults refers to the mirror effect that these children have with their parents. They copy it in everything. But why does it become a problem?

Because children have unlimited access to adult life and also end up copying the traumas and difficulties of their parents. And also because that leads to the second dimension: parity with the adult.

When talking about parity with the adult, it is about the idea that the adult has no authority over the child, that he is an equal. Therefore, the child does not have this filter that he had before.

A few years ago, the most recent kept a distance with the adults and they knew that they could not do anything like them, because they were children. Today, that distance does not exist. Therefore, an almost total identification occurs.

The fantasy of completeness and the lack of individuation

From the above it follows that the child ends up thinking that he can do everything, like an adult would do. She tries to adopt the role of the father, giving advice and even orders at home.

She also tries to take the place of the teacher, telling him what he should teach and how. However, sooner or later he finds himself with the reality that he does not have the tools to do so. That scares her and confuses her.

What is described in the previous paragraph is the fantasy of completeness. The child feels self-sufficient, but no. She does not believe that she needs to learn, and that she is not in the process of growing up. Therefore, it is not receptive to the instructions of its parents and teachers. This, in turn, prevents him from going through a process of real individuation, that is, a development of his authentic being. She imitates, she is not herself.

According to Dr. Playful, this situation is only overcome if family roles are reconstructed. Parents and children are not equal and those who exercise authority are the oldest.

This authority does not mean authoritarianism, but the validation of their status as guides and generators of behavior patterns. The child depends economically, emotionally and socially from his parents. This confers on the parents the authority to direct the family structure, and this point is not negotiable.