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I USED to be okay... or at least MORE "Mildy "NOT-okay"". I can't really recall the POINT that I went completely OVER the EDGE. It all happened so GRADUALLY. It was like that FUNGUS which GERMINATES in your INNARDS for years and years, and then FINALLY makes its DEBUT to RAPIDLY DEVOUR you alive. There was a time when EXPRESSING my thoughts in WRITING, and SPEAKING - and various OTHER MODES of communication - was oh... so SIMPLE. I could PUMP out LONG-WINDED DIATRIBES on this-and-that. I used BIG WORDS to express BIG THOUGHTS, and yet EVEN with the most HAUGHTY-TAUGHTY phraseologies and IDIOMATIC FLUTTERS something was just simply MISSING.

People used to tell me I was a "good writer". They would WAX LYRICAL about my ability to LECTURE and CONJECTURE; to express WITTY THOUGHTS and CURT RETORTS in SHORT SPURTS which were VOID of the usual "mumbo-jumbo"-CLICHES of VERBAL MASTURBATION. They would CHALLENGE me to keep on "PUSHING the BOUNDARIES" - to keep TURNING THOSE WORDS into my BITCH. They'd be WRITHING in ANTICIPATION for the RELEASE of EACH new MASTERPIECE, as they BITCHED and TWITCHED, trans-FIXED on that NEW FIX of hot, sweaty, INTELLECTUAL deep-SEX. But then something happened, and my VALIANT MASTERPIECES began to DESCEND into the realm of DISASTER-PIECES, and ALL those HE-groupies and SHE-groupies started RUNNING for the HILLS.

I don't really know exactly when I CROSSED the LINE. It came on in SPURTS - a couple of QUOTES here and there, and then a few DASHES, and then some ELLIPSES, and then some MORE DASHES. No matter how HARD I tried there lingered that EVER-GNAWING SENSE that I simply couldn't GET IT ALL OUT. I couldn't QUENCH that BURNING THIRST deep down INSIDE my "MENTAL BOWELS" which lie STIFLED within the CONFINES of LINEAR thought and text. Those ONE-DIMENSIONAL LETTERS and WORDS were just NOT ENOUGH for me to adequately SATIATE my CARNAL VERBAL HUNGERS. I was a PRISONER of LITERARY CONVENTION, slowly ROTTING in the SHACKLES of stylistic DISPAIR.

Hitting Rock Bottom

Then it started. It started SO INNOCENTLY - just one CAP here and there to EMPHASIZE the HIGH points. Just a few CAPS when the EMOTION started to FLOW. Then a FEW CAPS when the EMOTION started to FLOW at the HIGH POINTS. Then ANOTHER, and ANOTHER, and YET ANOTHER. Before I knew it the TRAIN was ROLLIN' off the TRACKS. There were just TOO MANY DAMNED high points, and TOO MUCH DAMNED emotion, and the line between EMPHASIS and DE-EMPHASIS started to FADE like DYE on a pair of CHEAP PANTS, until before long I was in WELL OVER my head.

Friends started asking if I MIGHT be LESS "Mildly "NOT-okay?"" They dropped SUBTLE HINTS in correspondence. They made QUICK and SNARKY JABS, like, "Hey, that email was pretty "INTENSE"!", and as my ADDICTION ACCELERATED I began to WITHDRAW FURTHER into my WRITING, as the "caps lock" button grew EVER MORE VIRULENT in its POSSESSION over my MIND, BODY and SOUL. ENEMIES LURKED in the SHADOWS. Friends - and FENCE-sitters - began HOVERING. Some suggested that I take some "time off". They ATTEMPTED to ENTICE me with various ENTICEMENTS. They SCOLDED and ACCUSED me of ALL SORTS of INFRACTIONS. They TORE me AWAY from my DEVICES - like "ISIS" - merely SENDING me FURTHER into EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, as I roamed HERE and THERE looking for ANYONE with a KEYBOARD to SPARE, and descended EVER DEEPER into the DARKNESS as I began COMPLEMENTING my "WRITING problem" with my "DRINKING problem". They COMBED THROUGH the dark alleyways, searching for ANY SIGNS of life, HORRIFIED that someone would FINALLY find me UNCONSCIOUS, BLUDGEONED, and HALF-NAKED, in a DUMPSTER on the WRONG side of town, the TRAGIC ENCORE in the FINAL ACT of a week-long bender; my KNUCKLES whittled down to BLOODY STUMPS which were BARELY CLUTCHING on to that LAST FIX of HARD LIQUOR and/or CRACK-cocaine.

Rising From The Ashes

By now I just BET you ALL want to hear the JUICY details about the FLUFFY "Happy Ending" to this SORDID TALE of "writing-gone-awry". I BET you ALL want to here about how I FOUGHT TRIUMPHANTLY to THROW that "linguistic MONKEY" off my back. I BET you ALL want to hear about my MIRACULOUS REHABILITATION from the ABYSS of INSANITY, BACK into the REALM of GRAMMATICAL and SYNTACTICAL ORTHODOXY. I BET you ALL want to hear about my HEROIC ASCENT back UP from the PIT of LINGUISTIC MORASS, and how I RESURRECTED from the GRAVEYARD of TORMENTED-writer SOULS, following in the footsteps of the "Great WORD-smiths" who had GONE BEFORE me... UP, UP, UP into that "DELUXE CRACK-house in the sky", where JESUS and HEMMINGWAY and GUTENBERG all BITCH and TWITCH and FROLICK in the BLISS of a PERENNIAL "NOT-okayness".

But QUITE to the CONTRAIRE, my friends and FOES, did this NEW ROUND of nervous breakdowns CLOSE. It TURNED OUT to be a MERE BLIP in a TUMULTUOUS JOURNEY which has had no end. It was an INITIATION into my EMANCIPATION from the DEGRADATION of LINGUISTIC BONDAGE. It was the FIRST JUMP over the HUMP of my DIRE existential SLUMP. It was the FIRST LEAP into the TIME-WARP leading me BACK into the WOMB of language. It was the DEATH of me.

Thought-Farts

You see, my friends, LANGUAGE is ultimately just a PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION of THOUGHT...and thought is ultimately NON-LINEAR. People spend MOST of their WAKING HOURS thinking about this-and-that. They STRUGGLE to break down NON-LINEAR experience-SNIPPETS into WORDS and THOUGHTS which they BELIEVE can be MADE to FLOW in some kind of COHERENT ORDER through SYMBOLS which move from one "side" of a page to the next - or from top to bottom. They TRANSCRIBE THOUGHT into SYMBOLS, and then PUMP their "thought-NUTS" INTO the ETHER so that "others" can RECEIVE and DECODE them, and even though it may SEEM as though our MINDS decode TEXT into THOUGHT in some ORGANIZED WAY, it is not so. Our THOUGHTS are like FARTS which RISE from the BOWELS of our MENTAL BODIES. They MANIFEST at UNEXPECTED TIMES and INTERRUPT our "normal" routine, FORCING us to KEEP them from escaping in an UNCONTROLLED manner and/or circumstance. They create PRESSURE inside of us which NEEDS to be RELEASED. They FLOAT out into the ETHER where "others" DETECT, CONSUME - and are AFFECTED by them. EXISTENCE is essentially just ONE GIANT FART which EMINATES from the CHEEKS of the UNIVERSAL big BUTT, wherefore FROM the "BIG BANG" this COSMIC "GAS" went FORTH in all directions, SLOWLY COOLING and producing ALL of the SEEN and UNSEEN "forms" around us - including the WORDS that we use to TRANSMIT the thoughts about all those FORMS.

Picking Up The Pieces

As I PROCEEDED to descend DEEPER and DEEPER down the "rabbit hole", through the LOWER LEVELS of "epistemological PURGATORY", it became CLEARER and CLEARER that I was MIGRATING BACK in time. DOWN through the AGES, and UP the "tree of knowledge", I began to GYRATE like a PIRATE through the TEMPEST of TIME-SPACE. I began to EXTRA-polate my EXTRA-sensory PERCEPTIONS back through the EXTRA-ordinary "golden ages" of the Western THOUGHT, where FREE-THINKING renegades DANCED in a TRANCE in Renaissance FRANCE, and where the GREEKS did YOGA in their TOGAS; KNOCKING DOWN their ABSTRACT TOWERS of derivational MORPHemes, and BUILDING them back up - ATOM by ATOM - into GRAND philosophical worldviews. I SCALED the PEAKS of the MYTHICAL "Mount Meru" to find GURUS LEVITATING in hillside SHANTYS built on the foundations of "NO-THING", GETTING JIGGY in their LOIN-cloth PANTIES while transcending those MUNDANE "words" by LIFTING OFF into the ALTERNATE REALITY of "AUMs" and "Shantis".

Death By Hashtags

Then as I FINALLY APPROACHED the "point of no RETURN", BOARDING my CRYSTAL "thought-PROJECTOR" which LAUNCHED me FURTHER into the HYPER-dimensional VORTEX of HYPER-text-based "STRANGE ATTRACTORS" and "PSYCHIC ATTACKERS", I began to REALIZE the REALITY that "reality" is essentially just a COLLAGE of "hashtags" - MERE key-words - which ACTIVATE us at different TIMES, and at different LEVELS, and in different CIRCUMSTANCES. That MULTITUDE of "thought-FARTS" FLOATING through SPACE are merely ""GAS pockets" of EXPERIENCE" on the PROWL for any RECEPTIVE "PSYCHIC NOSTRILS" willing to SUCK them in and then PUMP em' OUT in new FORMS.

You can be "DOWN and OUT" in some tin-pan SHACK, LYING on your BACK givin' HANDJOBS for CRACK, and then SUDDENLY - in that ABJECT moment of CHAOS and CONFUSION - some WRITTEN or SPOKEN word PENETRATES into your CONSCIOUS SPACE and "ACTIVATES" you - sending you HURLING through SPACE-TIME on a completely DIFFERENT TRAJECTORY, upside-DOWN and WONDERING which WAY is UP...

Today's Dreaded Homework Task

It's time to DON our "linguistic DOMINATRIX oufits" and W-W-W-WHIP them WORDS into our BEEeeeAtch! Take out your crayons and your paper, BOYS and GOYLES, because it's time to get "DOWN and DIRTY", and hardcore-WORDY.

Draw your favorite letter of the alphabet large enough to fill one-quarter, or one-third, of the page. Just THROW it out there onto the paper. Now CROSS it out. Draw it again RIGHT-SIDE-UP. MESS IT UP with all sort of jagged lines, and smear it with various CONFLICTING colors. "Have your WAY" with it. OBJECTIFY it. Draw another letter next to it, then FLIP IT OVER and rejoin them. Make NON-SENSICLE "WORDS" out of various RANDOM letters and/or GROUPS of letters. Make NON-SENSICAL "phrases" out of RANDOM words and/or GROUPS of words. PIVOT them, SKEW them - TURN them into your BITCH. They are JUST WORDS - mere ABSTRACTIONS. They are WANNABE PHYSICAL embodiments of the "thought-FARTS" which EMINATE from the UNIVERSES' big, fat, HAIRY butt...

Try this out, and see if it NOTICEABLY HELPS you to move in a NEW direction, BOTH ON and OFF of Steemit. As usual, feel free to share your thoughts, ideas, challenges, insults, threats, etcetera, and as WE ALL continue moving ONWARDS and UPWARDS on this WARPED ladder of "EVOLUTION" - climbing each step CLOSER and CLOSER towards that MYTHICAL STATE of "okay-ness"- but just NEVER quite GETTIN' there - just ENSURE that you achieve SOME SORT of small SPURTS of "progress" by PERPETUALLY striving to take life (both ON and OFF Steemit)...

"One nervous breakdown at a time"

@transcript-junky