I'm Done with the Circus: I'm Single by Choice.

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Are you done with being asked why you're single, as if it's a bad thing, as if you're not enough on your own? Are you done with answering to social expectations, or having people reassure you there's nothing wrong with you, even when you didn't imply that there was?

I'm done with dating. It's a circus I ran away with many moons ago. Now, as I return to myself – to all the parts I've neglected - here's a message to the myriad males I met in the madness, and why I'm choosing – yes choosing - to be single...

I'm done.

I'm done having my kindness mistaken for weakness, having my generosity used against me.
I'm done feeling used for sex, security, shelter, resources, counsel, or as a thrill, a chase, a challenge, a boost or a bit of fun...

I'm done with you being there for the good times, then gone when I need you.
I'm done bending over backwards and jumping through hoops...

I'm done shrinking my accomplishments so as not to intimidate you, or, aggrandizing them in order to feel worthy.
I'm done with that whole hall of mirrors, that tightrope I made myself walk, time after time...

I'm done hiding my vastness of life experience so that you don't feel insecure.
I'm done smiling and pretending and playing small so you can take center-stage...

I'm done with your serenades, your sweet-talk, your feigned heartfelt words, your pretty lies and empty promises all to try to get what you want.
I'm done with all your tricks that work on teenage girls who haven't seen through your illusions yet...

I'm done being swept off my feet, only to be dropped, depending on your desires and your options.
I'm done having my heart opened up, then having to try to close it down...

I'm done with the words, "We need to talk", "I can't commit", "I'm confused", "It's not you - it's me"...
I'm done being labeled Warrioress, Saviouress, and 'strong enough to take it', as if that excuses your shitty, self-serving deeds...

I'm done being there for you to mess up and make your mistakes on, teaching you how to love before you go off and love somebody else.
I'm done with your social media posts, displaying how easily you move on, then you crawling back after it all goes wrong, asking for another chance...

I'm done being your bright 'beacon of light' here to save you or to show up your shadow-side, with you projecting your darkness, your woundedness and all your unresolved issues onto me.
I'm done with you trying to steal my sunshine, snuff my flame and dull my spark...

I'm done with drama, deceit, mind-games, addictions, with power-struggles, paranoia, possession, and put-me-downs, with violence, jealousy, death-stares, clenched fists and punched walls.
I'm done proving my integrity when it was your own integrity you smashed to pieces...

I'm done being another pretty ribbon marking your journey, when I've already reached the end of my road.
I'm done with your immaturity, of waiting and hoping for you to grow up, to catch up...

I'm done with magazine-dreams, media and fairytales force-feeding fallacies.
I'm done with fortune-tellers, self-proclaimed psychics and platitudes I never sought, telling me "he's just around the corner"; I've been turning corners to dead-ends for decades...

I'm done with the limiting belief that a life-partner will rescue me, complete me and make me happy - doing disservice to the life that already is.
I'm done sacrificing the beauty of the present for the fantasy of a future that may not exist...

I'm done being on the lookout for love, while travelling, festivalling, exploring - never feeling like the experience is all that it could be, that something is missing, that I'm unfulfilled and wasting away.
I'm done wasting my energy and time...

I'm done starving on crumbs of affection and scraps of attention, which only exacerbate my hunger.
I'm done with candyfloss flings that dissolve to nothing and fireworks that fizzle leaving a gaping dark void I wasn't aware was there before...

I'm done with spiritual-bypassing, new-age clauses, cliches and waivers – I've heard them all, seen them all, been there and got the (tie-dye) T-shirt. I've got the kaftan, the harem-pants, the whole damn wardrobe and it's all out of date; I'm done wearing it all; I'm donating...

Because there are infinite causes crying out for love, way worthier than the empire of your ego, and I'll be soiling my hands for better purposes now. I'll be digging a well to unearth that thing, deep down, that must be wrong in me to have attracted all of you.

I'm not bitter - I glean moments of joy from many of these memories. I'm not a man-hater - half of my friends are men, whom I love. I'm not perfect - I had my parts to play, I acted like it was okay when it wasn't, and I'm done with that stage now. I'm so done.

...But for one final thing...

If you encourage success, and not be threatened by it; if you want an equal, not an inferior, if you're kind, not just critical, if you care, not control, if you give, not just take, if you're a man, not a boy, then by all means, step forward. Because I won't be out looking for you, not anymore, and I may be too far gone to even be interested...

Otherwise, I'm stronger single, better off alone. I know who I am and where I stand, and it's taken being broken to find my way back to the bare truth, to reclaim my wholeness, as I do now.

So don't ask me why I'm single, as if it's a shortcoming. Not when I have come such a long way...

I've helped others through their worst times, yet when my own world crumbled and I lost everything – the one time I really required a partner – I walked through the wreckage of my life, without one.

I am done makes way for new I am's: I am single. I am free. I am self-respecting and I am grateful. For all the lessons. For the clarity. For the fresh landscapes of single by choice, far beyond the circus.

[Ali's Awakening ~ A sample chapter from my new Book, TRIBE 35, currently in development. With Love, Kate Sundara].