Okay, so first of all, this was nicely written. Compelling plot and great characterization. I love how meta they were at the beginning. You introduced just enough puzzle pieces to keep things interesting.

Now, a few nitpicks. This is a very long post. I'm a slow reader and it took me more than 30 minutes to read this. I needed to stand up a couple of times before I finished. Running some analysis on this, the post has 5538 words, from 31310 characters. The average reading time of that is 00:22:09, which is quite long.

I don't know if you've noticed, but the average attention span of regular Steemians tend to be short. I mean, my story has an average of 1932 words, and people already consider that too long for them to spend time on. There are just too many posts to get to with the limited time we have in our day, so people don't usually commit it to just one. Because of the time I spent with Chapter One, I might not be able to get to Chapter Two today, so I'll be sure to get to it tomorrow or the next day. Sure, there are fast readers out there and Steemians who like reading long posts, but those people aren't the average. Do you get what I'm saying?

You can easily remedy that by dividing your chapters into shorter versions. See what I did with my latest chapter? Since it cannot be divided into different chapters, I divided it into parts. I learned that from @ezzy haha

Also, formatting. It would be more pleasing to the eyes if you found a unique formatting style for this. You would improve the reading experience for the reader greatly. I hope that helps! Looking forward to great things from you :)