The Fight with Cancers changes a person
As most of you are aware I have Cancer and am losing the fight. Myself and my love @lynncoyle1 are forever grateful to all our connections and friends at Steemit. I have to say that she is always trying to help people here and has become very engaged. Myself due to my health has trouble concentrating even living. Today was the first day that everything was beyond my comprehension. The pain, the anger and the overall hating life which I never thought would happen. As you know my life is my wife and I love her like no tomorrow. But today I ended up actually so miserable that I was mean to all around me including my soulmate. Does one just choose to end it on there own. Do you try to keep fighting? These are things that for the first time I see no clear answer. If on my own the pain ends sooner and the sadness is the same for everyone around you but they get to start livingand the healing starts faster. Today was the hardest day yet as all the other issues come out from the pain. You realize amd I a burden? Am I better to let her get on with a life with none of this? The money costs to fight this is incredible. I live on a crappy pension now and feel so useless, so poor, and nothing but a burden. You know the love we have if you have read my blog but when and where does it end?
I actually want to fight but like any person I need to think about those affected by MY cancer, my illness.
Anyway Thank You Steemit for allowing me to vent......Takes the stress away at times............
Hugs and remember to
LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH.....
I do not even think I can write my poetry anymore.......
Anyway thank you Steemit as I can vent and I care about all the people here
Brian There is No book on How to live or survive the path to the end. Do what YOU and your lovely wife think is the best. The illness wants to push you her away but Thats not what you want and she Will now That is not you spreaking. Unfortunatly There going to be more off these days be prepared if your nody says No do YES but its a hard one big hug for the both of you grom Holland
thank you so much. very much appreciated. I will try but it is hard. again thank you
I've been following your journey for the short time I've been on, I don't think I've commented till now though. I'm not sure just how bad you are yet but I lost my Dad nearly 4 years ago. I helped with his care towards the end and it was me who had to take him to hospital, or rather tell him that he had to go (he didn't want to go). I spent the last week of his life living in the hospital with my Mum 24/7. We were the ones who cared for him more than what the nurses did. He chose a horrible death, so all I can say is when it is your time, take the easy way, not the hard way as it was torture for us to watch just how bad he got.
Make sure you do and say everything you need to now while you still can... my Dad held on for SO long, nurses kept telling us something was keeping him here. It took me a week to work it out, it took that long as he could no longer talk, move or communicate with us. But he could hear us... that I know for sure.
Make sure your family knows your wishes... my Dad was a fighter too... he never let a negative thought enter his mind and everyone was always too scared to bring it up. It's a difficult conversation. That was also my job... he was still just able to talk at that stage and he let me know the best way he could. So while you're still fighting, just let your guard down for just a moment and let your family know if you haven't already.
My Dad's cancer journey was tough for him and it was tough for us to watch but he was never a burden so try not to feel that way. Just think if it was your wife, would she be a burden to you? She's going to want to have every last minute with you that she can, while you're both hurting now, she's going to have a lot more to come! So cherish every moment while you still can. But you're not a burden. We never thought that of my Dad ever, we did everything we could to make his life easier right to the very last moment, we wanted to do that... he was never a burden.
I pray you have some more good days before the really bad days. I think it's amazing how you get your feelings and emotions out there, that is not something my Dad did. It's healthy though... Just remind yourself that this is your fight and you can do it what ever way you like! xx
Hey @jayclar30, what a beautiful response! Small world here on steemit; you and I were just talking on @peggyhazelwood's post about 'icky' food. You posted that awful kidney thing and I posted the pig's head haha
I'm @briancourteau's wife! So nice to meet you and I want to thank you for sharing your story! I'm so sorry for your family and of course for your dad having to go through all of that. I see the pain Brian is in, and wouldn't wish it on anyone.
He is very open with me, but he's stuck on "being a burden", so I appreciate your words more than you know, because I tell him all of the time that's he's not a burden, but sometimes hearing it from someone unconnected can make a big difference.
But I hear you loud and clear about "taking the easy way out". I always feel that we treat out pets better than our humans; when our animals are in pain, we let them go, but for some reason, we let our humans painfully drag on. It's not right, and it's not fair, and it's something I won't allow to happen. That, Brian and I are very clear on..together!
Thank you again for sharing. We both really appreciate it...way more than the word 'appreciate' conveys.
Oh hey! : )
I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to your husband and all your family. xx
I hope he can move past that feeling so he can truly appreciate what he has in the now, as I said, roll reversal. I know, I can tell by your husband's words that he would never see you as a burden.
What I mean by the easy way... apparently when you're dying ( in the last stages) you have a choice to take the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is quicker, it's less painful and your body goes through a lot less than if you chose the hard way. My Dad chose the hard way. I don't know if it was because of his determination or if it was his choice for other reasons, he wasn't able to communicate with us at all by then but It got really bad, we had to stop people coming up as it would have been far too distressing for them. The nurses told us most people don't go through what my Dad did. I never knew anything of this... not until we were there living it. It was really difficult to watch and experience with him... so when I say take the easy way, this is what I mean. Don't fight the battle so hard that you don't take the easy way. I truly wouldn't wish the hard way on anyone!!!
You'll be both in my thoughts. xx
Thank you so much, and yes, I understood what you meant by the 'easy or hard way'. I'm so sorry that all of you had to watch your dad go through what he did; how horrible to see someone you love, endure such hardship. Your father must have been a very strong (and maybe a little stubborn ;), and must have truly enjoyed life to put up the fight that he did!
Thank you again for sharing!
Oh good, I had hoped you didn't think I had meant taking the easy way out. I was never aware that there were choices, that we got to choose... not until it was happening right in front of us.
Strong and STUBBORN... YES!!! :D He was very stubborn!
I hope today is a better day!!
Ah @briancourteau, I could feel your despair and pain through your words. So very very sorry for what you, your dearest @lynncoyle1 and family are going through.
From birth to the grave we are stalked by death. None of us gets out alive. Your exit is a slow, draining and painful one! You are a strong and courageous man. By your side is your incredible and loving soulmate who is walking the journey with you!
What you have in your hearts for each other is precious, rare, strong, sustaining and intensely personal to both of you! It is a gift when the human heart is able to connect, fuse, morph into almost a single identity - two hearts beating as one! You two have that!
Gulp and savour every single second you have together! Continue to do it until your last breath, my Friend! Flood your memory bank account with precious memories that will travel with both of you, wherever you might be! Nobody can take or change those memories, not on this side or "the other"! One day memories are all we will ever have!
Go easy on yourself, Brian! Continue to soak up and in the love of your beautiful wife! You both continue to be in my heart and prayers!
Of course Upvoted, Resteemed
P.S. Brian, may I share your story with some very caring friends.
Hi @kismet2018, thanks for a lovely response. Again, I am so sorry that you understand what we are going through all too well. Before I forget, of course you can share this with "some very caring friends"...that comes from me and Brian.
I saw Brian tonight, furiously typing, and I knew something was up. Yes, today was an "off" day, but I expect that; he flogs himself for it. Your comment, and the other comments from such caring people, I hope, will ease his guilt.
He is not a burden to me, as you can well imagine. My burden will be my future heartbreak and loneliness, but thanks to wise words from you my friend, I will continue to fill my "memory bank" because I know the time will come when I will be taking a huge withdrawal!
It's so good that he uses steemit as an outlet... that's a very positive thing!! You're lucky he does that as many men wouldn't. xx
yes, you're right! It has really been helpful for him. And when complete strangers, like yourself, take the time to show they care, it really does make him happy. I more grateful to you than you know :)
I know... I understand...
Sending strength and hugs. xx
Thank you again!! You are awfully thoughtful and kind...internet hugs right back!
Oh, this is sad. I'm sorry you're having to battle cancer. Know that all of your responses to the pain and the frustration are perfectly normal. Hang in there and do try to enjoy your time if you can.
Hey @peggyhazelwood:) Brian is my husband fyi! Thank you so much for your comment...he is so hard on himself, but I agree with you and appreciate your comment!
Gotta enjoy every minute, even if it all seems like such a ripoff!!