Detachment

It's very difficult to remove someone's habit from within yourself. A strange conflict arises within the soul, heart, and mind, as they don't agree with each other.

It's a trial that I believe is one of the most severe and painful trials in the world. At first, a person doesn't want to come out of it and repeatedly wants to hurt themselves because they consider themselves guilty. This is called the phase of repentance.

But after a few days, when they see the other person living a satisfied and enthusiastic life, a fire ignites in their chest, consuming their entire being. The person breaks down, and the heart, mind, and soul become one, seeking revenge. This is called the phase of expiation.

Hatred, anger, love, sorrow, and regret—all these feelings occur simultaneously. A person tries to improve themselves, but it's not that easy. Somewhere deep inside, the question remains: "What did I do wrong to you? Am I really such a bad person?"
"Do I really deserve this?" The memories of those promises and that false love come back, and the heart longs desperately to return to that person. But now, the whole being knows well that the other person is insensitive, vile, and selfish.
Now, when memories of them start to resurface, one wonders:

"Do they remember me the same way I remember them? Okay, maybe they don’t get lost in memories like I do, but for 5 or 10 minutes, they must think of me. After all, I was an important part of their life."
I wonder whether the person they used to be was a lie, or if what they are showing now is the lie. Whatever it is, that person has a remarkable talent for changing, and they will continue to change repeatedly in the future.

They manage to get by this way, but I cannot live with someone like that.
I'm really tired of fighting with myself...
I long for that person... I don't know if it's love, stubbornness, or just a habit...
Leaving them, I'm in pain and agony. May Allah guide my wandering steps to a peaceful place. Ameen.
Love is a lie that a person tells themselves, not someone else, and then bears the consequences and punishes themselves for it. Love is a wretched thing that gives a moment of happiness but leaves a lifelong ailment.