I feel numb —what inner death feels like.
I cannot feel, I want to feel —I'm so numb. Death? in life?
Am I dead sometimes, when the air feels gray and blue, when I want to keep existing, but existence just wants me to patiently wait and starve to death, silent as the grave?
Numb, numb... depression, she says.
"I won't give you medications; that's too strong. You need therapy."
And when the day is over, and the inertia stops —the light push of other people's emotions running through my body, through my barely existent empathical connections— I die again in life. The fog rises, the hunger and thirst for existence.
I want to exist, so hard is this desire that I madden myself with shallow encouragement. I want to exist! But truly I want nothing. I want to want, to feel the push again, the momentum that took me through the day —but it's night; no candy for you.
I want to exist, so I open up telegra.ph and write this text. I'm going to force myself to exist, to feel. I will unnumb myself. And then the river flows from my mind to the text, and it's as numb as I am. Shame. Failed attempt. Try again.
your words are lovely to read :)
i am a big fan of reading contradictions, contrasts, paradoxes, and the like in writings - as i am a big fan of writing them myself. i think because it makes me think and rethink - and consider and reconsider. its like having all of the options on the table because the thought processes are transparent within the final product itself. and process is so important, because without it, nothing would exist <3
I love that too. Contradiction, things against common sense (though not intentionally obscure), not obvious but filled to the brim with meaning that in the end makes our minds find beauty in this world. When we really try to understand (and do), these seemingly innocuous texts topple our inertia and give place to an inexplicable joy.
Are my ideas going astray in this response? Anyway. Maybe it was me going astray from my ideas. I forgot. I'm glad you came by.
Good job, @cryptosharon! Keep up the good work. ^_-
I feel like this is sending a real message. I hope everything is well with you.
Take care always
XOXO
It is sending a message. I try to express reality in art, the way I see the world. It's very satisfying to feel the words flow and then to read it and be pleased, like I succeeded at passing the message.
I'll always try and keep up the good work ;) Thank you for the encouragement. <3 I'm really motivated to keep moving forward in Steemit.
Good =D, I liked!!!
I'm very glad you liked it, @jklio123. I was even wondering whether I'd be able to post something while feeling nothing. I guess I managed it!
Cool, hahaha, follow me, I will post many mysteries of Brazil that is not known by the world, I will always bring something cool, so i starting on the platform, see my subject on the "Brazilian roswell case" thanks
Sure! I'll check your posts :)
thank you
@originalworks
@cryptosharon Did you draw the picture yourself? Btw, good and meaningful writing, keep it up :)
Yup-yup, I drew that picture using Krita. I've been practicing my digital drawing for a while, but this one was made in a moment of meaninglessness similar to the one described in the writing.
I'm really glad that you liked it :) I'll keep making good quality stuff.
And this writing means a lot to me, since it describes a feeling that I so often have to live with and more often than not doesn't let me write. (But this time I wrote about it, so I won!)
Thank you for passing by and showing your appreciation. It really means a lot to me and motivates me to keep improving.
Sometime I feel exactly the same as you, I wish I have a log out button on me to switch it off.
Sometimes I keep looking for the switch off button as if it were supposed to exist. I try with many things, trying to feel again, and the despair of my numbness takes hours to fade while I madden myself with things I'm supposed to enjoy.
Sometimes I do enjoy these things and that's enough for my simplicity, but sometimes I'll spend hours without feeling anything but a slight annoyance at my lack of feelings.
Thank you for coming by, @briansteemit. I like your presence.
You are welcome @cryptosharon. I must admit that your writing skill is flawless.
Wow, Brian, thank you. <3 I'm not 100% satisfied with it but your compliments boost my confidence. :)