从辅导者到"服务员"：一位父亲的教育反思

现在这个时期似乎是每个人都承受着巨大压力的时候。成年人要面对工作和经济上的压力，因为好工作越来越少；孩子则承受着来自学习上的压力，这种压力甚至远远大过成年人。听闻小区周边地区接连发生几起未成年人跳楼事件，如此频繁的悲剧绝非偶然，背后都与学习压力过大或因学习问题导致的家庭关系紧张有关。

最近，我读了一本在豆瓣上评价颇高的书《帮孩子一起突围》，这是一位名叫陈瑜的青少年心理问题专家与多位典型家长之间的访谈实录。书中既有正面的例子，也有反面的案例，还有一些耐人寻味的故事。

开篇第一个案例就很发人深省。这位家长的儿子是典型的学霸，成绩排名常年保持在全级前2%以内，经常在学科竞赛中获奖，现在正准备冲击美国常春藤名校。然而这位父亲最大的烦恼是，儿子已经成为了一个精致的利己主义者，对什么事情都极其计较得失。在儿子眼中，父亲俨然成了家里的"服务员"，就像厨师和快递员一般。这位父亲最担心的是，一旦儿子真的成功"爬藤"去了国外，自己在儿子眼中将失去所有价值，不得不独自面对余下的孤独人生。

当陈瑜问他："孩子这么优秀，您应该感到高兴才对。而且天赋这么好，能找到充分发挥天分的地方是好事啊。"这位家长解释说，其实儿子并非真的天赋过人，而是他倾注全部心血栽培的结果。为了培养孩子，他早早就辞去工作，专心在家陪孩子刷题、学奥数。他在送孩子去各类培训机构的过程中发现，绝大多数优等生都是和他儿子一样，靠堆积时间和精力"制造"出来的。那些真正的天才——学什么都不费劲、一点就通的确存在，但数量极少，而他的儿子并非其中之一。

儿子之所以能取得如此成就，是因为养成了做事特别有目的性的习惯。他努力学习数学、取得好成绩并非出于对数学的热爱，而是为了获得奖项，提升在升学过程中的优势。他参加各种社会实践活动，比如去山区支教，也仅仅是因为国外大学，尤其是常春藤盟校很看重这些经历。然而在山区支教时，他并不愿与当地孩子有更多接触，也不愿多花心思在他们身上，一下课就会躲得远远的。

这种功利心态也体现在亲情方面。初中之前，父亲还能辅导他功课、教他解奥数题，但进入高中后，父亲就已经跟不上他的学习进度，父子间的地位完全颠倒。在儿子眼中，父亲只是个提供基本生活服务的下人。他对待同学的态度也是如此，成绩比他差的同学——按他的成绩来说超过90%的人——在他眼里都是没有利用价值的人，他懒得与之来往。

这个案例给了我两点启示：第一，作为家长应该有自己的生活，最好也要有自己的事业。如果将全部生活都投注在孩子身上，反而会收获更加冷漠的亲情。第二，培养孩子应该更加全面，不能只把重点放在学习成绩上，否则可能会导致孩子性格出现缺陷。比如这个案例中的孩子就是个极端例子，凡事讲求目的性固然是一种可取的品质，但完全不顾及他人感受则是错误的。在市场化的社会中，每个人都是通过满足他人需求来实现自身利益的，而不是把他人当作实现目的的工具。

此外，我们也要接受这样一个事实：大多数孩子都是普通的，天才只是少数。虽然可以通过投入时间和精力把自己的孩子打造得与天才一样优秀，但这未必有意义，反而可能是一种资源的浪费。正如著名数学家丘成桐评价中国的数学高材生时所说：他们确实能力都很强，但大多数并不是真正热爱数学，所以虽然成绩很好，却几乎没有人能提出独到见解来推动这门学科的发展。

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那下这个时期好像是一个每个人都压力非常大的时候，成年人都要承受工作和经济上的压力。因为现在好工作越来越少，甚至连工作都越来越来小孩子这承受来自学习上的压力，对这种压力，甚至还要远远大过中年人的压力，并听到小区的传言，周边地区的各小区里面都有生几岁的到年跳楼的。频凡程度这么高，说名也绝非仅仅是偶然造成这些悲剧背后都是学习压力大，或者因为学习问题造成的家庭关系紧张。于是，最近就找来一本在豆瓣上评价颇高的书来读著名叫我帮孩子一起突围，是一位叫全余的青少年心理问题专家和很多比较典型的家长之间的访谈，里面既有正面的例子，也有反面的。例子也有一些不正不反是耐人寻味的意思。例子简一书开篇的第一个例子就是这样一个就是如何最好的事例，证明孩子的家长是学霸级的是？证明家长他的儿子学霸级的成绩排名总在全级的前2%以内，经常获得学科竞赛的的奖项，现在正在准备将美国常汀藤校发起冲击，俗称准备。爬藤这位家长的烦恼却失精致的利己主义者，对什么事情都精于算计。自己。这位家长，也就他的父亲全当成了家里的下人，就像是厨师和快递员。这位家长现在最大的恐惧和担心就是如果他的儿子真的爬藤成功，托尔国。么在他儿子的眼里，自己就没有一丁点利用价值了。不得不独自面对雨下来孤独的人生。这春宇问他接儿子这么优秀，应该感到高兴而对，而且只天赋这么好，能够要一个充分发挥天分的地方是一件好事。学生家长解释，其实他的儿子并不是真的天分抛取是他忍心全力栽培的结果。为了培养孩子，他甚至早早的就辞去了工作，一心在家陪孩子刷题抓奥数题。他说，在送儿子去培训机构学习的。过程中发现，绝大部分为的高材生都是和他一样，靠堆时间和精力堆出来的那些真正的天才，也就是学什么东西都不费劲，学什么都一学就懂天才的确存在，但是数量很少，而他的儿子并不是其中一员，做他儿子能够取得这样的成就的原因是儿子养成了一种做事特别有目的性的习惯。他努力学习数学，取得。很好的成绩并不是出于对助学的热爱，而是获得奖项，可以提升他在各种升学过程中的优势。他也参加各种社会实践活动，比如去山区支教。而这些也仅仅是因为振情国外的大学，尤其是常青藤大学，非常看重社会实践活动。所以他去那些山区教那些穷苦的穷苦的孩子，是却不想和他们有接触，想。花过多的心思在他们身上，一下课就会躲得远远的这样心的就体现在亲情方面。在初中之前，父亲还可以辅导他的教他解奥数题。在进入高中之后，就已经吸应不了他学习的男之间的地位也完全的反转。在他眼里，自己的父亲，就像是一个下人，只能为自己提供一些基本的生活服务，就像是厨子和快递员。而且他对同学们的态度也是这样。成绩比他差的同学在他眼里都属于没有什么利用价值的人，懒得费心和他们交往。这样的人，按他的成绩来说，这样的人是占90%以上的了。势力给我的启示，就是作为家长是得有自己的生活，最好也有自己的事业。如果将全部的生活都投注到孩子身上，收获更多的亲情气反而会更加冷漠。一个就是培养孩子，应该还是。全面一些，不能只把重点放在学习成绩上面，这样会带来一些。这样如果这样孩子可能会性格方面造成一些缺陷。比如这个例子当中，这位孩子就是极端例子，凡是做事都有目的性，某项目的，就枯燥的学习，也是一项错的品质，但是完全不顾及他人的感受是过误的市场化的社会当中，每一个人都是通过满足。其他人的需求来实现自己利益的，而不是仅仅把其他人当成实现自己目的的工具。一点就是其实大家应该接受大部分孩子都只是普通孩子，天才是少数的。虽然你可以通过机器时间和经历，自己的孩子打造的那些天才看上去一样优秀。但这并没有什么用，或者说是一种资源的浪费，就像著名的数学家邱成桐在评价中国的那些些。国的中国的数学高材生说他们确实能力都很强，但是他们大多数都并不是真正的热爱数学，所以成绩都很不错，但是几乎没有人能够提出洞结来推进这门学科的进步。

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It seems like this is a very stressful time for everyone, and adults are under pressure from work and finances. Because now there are fewer and fewer good jobs, even the work is more and more children bear the pressure from study, for this pressure, even far greater than the pressure of middle-aged people, and hear the rumors of the community, the surrounding areas of the community are born to jump off the building. The frequency is so high, and the name is not just accidental. Behind these tragedies are the pressure of study, or the tension of family relations caused by learning problems. Therefore, I recently found a highly rated book on Douban to read the famous call me to help children break through together, which is an adolescent psychological problem expert called Quan Yu and many typical interviews between parents, which have positive examples and negative. Examples also have some interesting meanings. Examples The first example in the beginning of the book is just such an example of how best to prove that a child's parent is a high achieving student. Parents prove that his son's outstanding student grades are ranked within the top 2% of the whole grade, often won the award of discipline competitions, and is now preparing to launch an impact on Ivy School in the United States, commonly known as preparation. Climbing vine the parents of the trouble but lost exquisite egoist, what things are calculating. oneself. The parent, his father, acted as a servant of the family, like a cook and a Courier. The parent's biggest fear and worry now is if his son really succeeds in climbing the vine, Thor. In the eyes of his son, he has no use value. I have to face a lonely life in the rain. This spring yu asked him to pick up his son so good, should feel happy and right, and only talent so good, can want a place to give full play to talent is a good thing. The student's parents explained that in fact, his son was not really talented and was the result of his wholehearted cultivation. In order to train his children, he even quit his job early and focused on staying at home with his children to brush and grasp the Olympic math problems. He said he was sending his son to a training facility. In the process, it was found that most of the top students were the same as him, those real geniuses who piled up their time and energy, that is, they did not bother to learn anything, they learned everything and understood that geniuses did exist, but the number was small, and his son was not one of them. The reason why his son was able to achieve such success is that his son has developed a habit of doing things with a special purpose. He worked hard at maths and got there. Good grades are not due to the love of learning, but to win awards, which can enhance his advantages in various college processes. He also participated in various social practice activities, such as volunteering to teach in mountainous areas. And these are just because foreign universities, especially Ivy League universities, attach great importance to social practice. So he went to these mountains to teach these poor poor children, but he didn't want to have any contact with them, thought. Spend too much thought on them, a class will hide far away so that the heart is reflected in the family. Before junior high school, his father could also tutor him and teach him to solve the Olympic math problems. After entering high school, the status of men who have been unable to absorb his studies has completely reversed. In his eyes, his father, like a servant, can only provide some basic life services for himself, like a cook and a Courier. And his attitude toward his classmates was the same. The students who are worse than him in his eyes belong to those who have no use value and are too lazy to bother to communicate with them. Such people, according to his achievements, such people account for more than 90%. The force gave me the revelation that as a parent you have to have your own life, and it is best to have your own career. If the whole life is invested in the child, the harvest of more family gas will be more indifferent. One is to raise children, I think. Comprehensive, can not only focus on academic performance, this will bring some. If so, the child may cause some defects in character. For example, in this example, the child is an extreme example, everything has a purpose, a project, boring learning, is also a wrong quality, but completely ignore the feelings of others is wrong, in the market-oriented society, everyone is satisfied. The needs of others to achieve their own interests, rather than just seeing others as a tool to achieve their own ends. One point is that we should accept that most children are just ordinary children, and geniuses are in the minority. While you can go through machine time and experience, those geniuses built by your own children look just as good. But this is useless, or a waste of resources, as the famous mathematician Qiu Chengtong said about China. China's top math students say they are really capable, but most of them don't really love math, so they get good grades, but almost no one can come up with a hole knot to advance the subject.