I Failed.

Failure.

The first time I tasted it was six years ago. I had just realized that I won't be graduating as I expected. I was to stay back a minimum of a year in school.

It hurt that my brother would most likely tell me that he wasted money on my fees. It disturbed me that my younger sister would get to graduate before me, but what was most painful was the knowledge that I failed.

Image by David Kovalenko from Unsplash

You see, I was no dullard. I couldn't call myself the brightest lady I knew, but I knew I was no dullard and yet, yet I failed. I can say it now that I failed, but it took me a while to accept it.

I knew I could act like many students and blame the lecturers, or I could accept my part in the mess up. I decided to accept my own part in the fail.

I felt ashamed. I felt afraid. I felt uncertain. I felt many things negative and it was not a great place to be. I learnt the meaning and need for humility.

Yes. I got humbled.

So I went back to classes with juniors. I braced lecturers' offices, looked them in the eye and made my situation and needs clear. I focused on my books and waved away the insulting stares from my juniors. I learnt other great ways to study.

I was rewarded; I excelled. I graduated. My failure was forgotten.

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The second time was when I lost a job. Last year.

I knew I was not wanted there and I was bent on proving them wrong, no matter what he thought about me, my employer.

I didn't get a chance to prove myself. I was laid off barely a week after I got the job, and just when I got a shocking news.

I failed again. I believed that I should have done something differently, even though I couldn't say what.

But...

I left and focused on me.

I asked questions. I answered them. I thought long and hard. I learnt that failures are necessary ingredients for greatness. I learnt that failures teach us lessons, make us stronger and sometimes redirect us to greater greatness.

I felt pain. I cried. But the tears washed my eyes so I could see clearer. I learnt better ways to study. I learnt to have tough skin in the presence of ridicule. I learnt that when I am not wanted somewhere, I don't belong there.

I am a strong woman... Thanks to my failures.

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This post was inspired by this week's Stach Discord Spokenword Show

***Djoi Writes