Bry-Bry Colangelo's days are numbered: Who's Next?

in #sports3 years ago (edited)

The Who's Pete Townshend wrote "Meet the old boss; same as the old boss" in his epic song "Won't Get Fooled Again", and he was obviously writing about owner Joshie Harris who has now run the biggest sh!tshow for a sports organization since the Bad News Bears.

{ note: For our admittedly lame but best half-hearted suggestions for new Sixers GM, skip to the end (the last 4) }

Actually, shame on us for using a bad comparison bc we LOVED the way the Bad News Bears were run-- hats off to Buttermaker for teaching kids how to make a PROPER martini. Since there is an absolute Adriatic Sea of information on Bryan Colangelo and wife in the past few days, we'll let YOU read up on that drama, but rest assured Colangelo's days are numbered and this gives the 76ers another golden opportunity to teach the world of new way of doing things wrongly. Don't worry, professional Philly sports organizations don't ALWAYS make bad decisions (hiring Nick Foles TWICE for instance), they are just extremely proficient at following up any great ones with piss-poor ones. So let's get ahead of Joshie and his next catastrophic mistake of a hire for GM...

For this purpose, and bc we lack knowledge of available GM candidates, we defer you to a timely article by Eliot Shorr-Parks of NJ.com (which we THINK is an arm of the old Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper monopoly in that city)...
http://www.nj.com/sixers/index.ssf/2018/05/bryan_colangelo_replacements_sixers_general_manage.html

We'll simply give you a primer and take on each of his candidates, in hopefully quicker fashion, starting with the obvious...

Sam Hinkie

The current Sixers success is not only ENTIRELY attributable to Hinkie, but you'd be watching 76ers play Golden State this week if he had stuck around. How can we know this? Let's list it out:

#1 Sam only follows very FEW NBA players, so when he does, it's special. He follows Ben Simmons, but not Brandon Ingram. While this may not seem to matter, it matters bc Hinkie was pushed out before he had the chance to make that draft pick decision, and back then during the 2016 draft there was actually a foolish debate which player was the best pick. Ben Simmons is a once in a generation basketball player, so it SHOULD have been obvious to anyone, but Hinkie-haters in Philly sometimes like to give Bryan Colangelo credit for signing Ben Simmons, and that's just foolish. If there's any fog about what Hinkie would have done in 2016, it's centered on whether he'd have traded down a notch and STILL gotten Simmons plus another draft asset. Probably not, but since we have examples of such foolishness that brings immediately to #2...

#2 Markelle Fultz's cost in last year's draft was the following:
a) Jayson Tatum, the now consensus best player in the 2017 draft class, he nearly upset LeBron in his rookie season, and maybe would have if his coach's style didn't favor passing the ball instead of ISO-scoring.
b) The 2019 #2 draft pick (Sacramento). #2 as in 2nd player drafted, not as in 2nd rounder. Sac will suck next year, and they'll get the #2 pick in the lottery for sure. If you want a current comparison, pretend this draft pick is Luca Doncic, the European phenom who just won a euro-cup on a team (Real Madrid, the best sports organization in Europe) and in a league where most kids < 23 aren't starters much less star players.
c) Joel Embiid playoff rental. Fultz is like Oliver in the Brady Bunch-- a jinx to his own family he's trying to help. He's a nice feller, but inserted into the lineup at the END of the season bc he's been mentally all screwed-up for his rookie season, he awkwardly ran into Joel Embiid on a pick play and broke Embiid's face, costing the 76ers first unit cohesion right before the playoffs. In fact, Embiid's now famous "mask" not only had Embiid frustrated for both his playoff series, but he was out of game shape and it showed during the Boston series especially. Had Embiid been healthy for that series? Maybe they give GSW a run for their money?

d) Anyone but Fultz 2018 playoff rental. Just about everyone in the 2017 draft class played and was pretty good in their rookie year, the Sixers could've had an ASSET for this year's playoffs instead of a bench warmer had they picked almost anyone else: Laurri Markannen, Lonzo Ball, Jayson Tatum, and this guy named Donovan Mitchell? Brett Brown is ok at development sometimes, so maybe even Dennis Smith Jr would've been an asset by May?

Music Break: here's some music to enjoy if you like reading to music...

#3 Defense wins championships
Bryan Colangelo loves him some old guys who can shoot, but can't play defense, and the NBA championships are ALL about defense as evidenced by Boston's deep playoff run, Houston's near defeat of a superior GSW team thanks to vast defensive improvement vs previous years, and a slew of other examples. While we enjoy watching JJ Redick and Italian Bellineli who shouldn't realistically be in the NBA anymore, they are targets for good coaches and offenses in the playoffs. It's tuff to win playing 4 on 5 on the defensive end every possession. Hinkie wouldn't have made these moves, and we'll even spot Bryan the fact that Ilyasova in his SECOND coming to Philly improved his defense and wasn't too bad of a signing.

#4 Incineration of trade assets (direct loss)
Thanks to the most expensive draft pick in NBA history, the Fultz trade-up, Philly lost a key asset in their Sacramento first rounder which will surely go at #2 pick next year, and that asset could have been used in offseasons to make the team better, like LAST offseason for instance, or this one.

#5 Implied loss of trade assets (indirect loss)
Hinkie has been absent from the last two drafts, and Hinkie was nearly famous for acquiring more than his fair share of draft picks by making smart moves on draft day, similar to what the New England Patriots and San Antonio Spurs do every year. Ever hear of THOSE organizations? So while Colangelo was picking 100% WORTHLESS picks like Timothe Luwawu and Fukin Furkan Korkmaz and Jonah Bolden (seriously???), Hinkie might've actually been adding some valuable role players or maybe even a surprise starter? Let's try to remember guys like Malcolm Brogdon (rookie of the year last year) were available when these two picks were made, or those two picks could've been packaged to get Caris LeVert, Domantas Sabonis, Jakob Poeltl or Jamal Murray who are all contributing these days. Or traded for a pick in this last stellar 2017 can't-miss draft class-- Jordan Bell anyone?

This is getting boring, we could go on, but let's get to the nitty gritty on Hinkie: he's not gonna work for Joshie Harris, bc Hinkie knows better than to agree to work for shitbags.

Banner courtesy of: The Rights to Ricky Sanchez Podcast...

We haven't "said the name" since Hinkie was fired, and we recommended they hang up their headsets in protest. We boycotted the fellers who gave the Sixers their nickname, but now that Colangelo is back, we're going to re-adopt them in spite of the err of their ways. You should have dropped the mic boys, and had you followed our advice, your return would be on par with Nelson Mendella getting out of prison. You'd have risen to God status. But instead, you showed your colors and couldn't say no to the fame and benjamins. So while we'll listen again, assuming the 76ers get an interesting GM, we aren't listening like we listened before your allegiance was tested to the Process you helped name.
We'll listen to you as much as we listen to Bill Simmons podcasts, like when you have a good guest or your GM is getting ass-smeared all over the nation.

So keep dreaming Process-Philly-Phans! You have exactly 0% chance of getting Hinkie back if Joshie got on one knee on national television. You can't buy happiness, and NOT being Sixers GM is indeed a brand of happiness a guy like Hinkie appreciates. Is Sam done being a GM? Maybe he's blackballed by the stupid NBA execs like Adam The Toad Silver? Doesn't matter for our purposes, Hinkie is dead to 76ers, lete's move on to...

David Griffin, former Cleveland GM

Know who else is too smart to sign on to a shittily-run organization? LeBron James, he's VERY smart. After this Bryan Colangelo fiasco, he'd have to have his head amputated and taken into another room from his body to make the mistake of associating with pro Philly sports. Again, keep dreaming Philly, LeBron isn't coming-- EVER. Now if David Griffin has some sort of merit other than being a sidepiece to LeBron, then let's hear it. But let's stop kidding ourselves that David Griffin and LeBron are on the table for the 76ers. So long as Griffin wasn't the one who picked Anthony Bennett #1 over Oladipo and Otto Porter, we're ok with his consideration unattached to LeBron. Did Griffin do much special other than have LeBron come back, enticed by Kyrie Irving and Tristan Thompson?

Troy Weaver, assistant GM for OKC Thunder

If Troy was responsible for landing Paul George, ok, seemed like ALMOST an even trade. Oladipo was sent out of town and crushed-it with the Pacers this year, and Paul George played nicely in the playoffs. But if he had something to do with signing Melo? Please. PASS. Nothing to see here.

Mike Zarren, analytics for Boston Celtics

A runner-up in 2013 to Sam Hinkie, but not really. "Runner up" implies he wanted the job, and he didn't. Mike Zarren would be a great choice, but he prefers Boston even when the job-offer in Philly is much stronger. That should tell you something Philadelphia, Zarren would probably make for a pretty good GM, but good GMs don't want anything to do with Josh Harris.

Trajan Langdon, Assistant GM Brooklyn

Shorr says Langdon is hot, and Detroit might pick him up first; Detroit didn't and hired Chris Paul recruiter (Pelicans) Jeff Bower. So we're already scouring the rejects list, bc thanks to this Colangelo fiasco the 76ers org will be the LAST team recruiting a GM this offseason, so "sloppy seconds!!". We don't pretend to know if Trajan would be a good GM, but we like how Brooklyn has been run these days with Sean Marks.

Kirk Lacob, Assistant GM Golden State

We have now dropped down to just lazily listing people who are loosely associated with other winning teams. (Come'on Eliot-Schorr! You're better than this!) This kid is probably being groomed by his Daddy to take over the Warriors, so maybe a stop in Philly can be his extended interview process? (quite dramatically different from the process Bry-Bry underwent with HIS Daddy) That's great news for Golden State who can sit and watch and then bring him back if he's good, but sounds like a patch-job for Philly. IF AND ONLY IF Lacob can prove he was "the guy" pushing for Draymond and Klay, well.. sign us up for that!

Tommy Shepard, VP Operations Wizards

Shorr mentions this guy bc he's a lot like Bryan Colangelo. Ever hear the sound of a barell getting scratched?

Brian Wright, Spurs

Shorr says "because he's with the Spurs". We're still not sold on Brett Brown ("because he's with the Spurs") yet; so, do the Sixers really need to double-up on that bet? If you're going to attack the front offices of good successful teams, we'd more favor Toronto than the Spurs, Warriors, and Celtics anyway. Or Indiana, something's always going right for them despite having no talent. How about Ben Falk's Portland, raid them. How about Ben Falk?
(and don't get us wrong, we think Bwett Bwown should have gotten his extension at the end of regular season play, but we're different from Philly Pro Sports in that we believe CLASS still has a place in life)

This is the part of the show where we get away from Philadelphia beat-writers opinions, and get creative

Ben Falk

This kid is so bright he created a new business model in sports. His Clean the Glass is like the Wall Street Journal for basketball people now. If you don't subscribe, you're not really serious about basketball.
Throw an offer at him, see what happens. He probably says no, and for the same reason as Hinkie, but Hinkie learned his lesson thru experience, Falk might not be so adamant at avoiding disaster.

Alex Kennedy

Not sure anyone would take him seriously bc of his voice (he sounds like he's an 11 year old star-fncker), but this kid is the most connected person in the NBA. He hob-knobs with all the right people in our opinion (Quinn Cook and Larry Nance Jr!), and has an open POSITIVE mind with NBA experience. Would he make a great GM? Really really hard to say, as GM is complicated and Alex was a scout we think. We like the kid, and since the shit listed by Shorr above is not creative or interesting in the slightest, why not Alex Kennedy for President? The Sixers need someone SO positive, they can break the mold of a bad organization, and Kennedy wouldn't have as much to lose as some of these other cats. His podcast is great, but he's got a voice for NOT radio, but maybe looking like a 7 year old would make it so other GMs don't see him coming. Maybe he's a tiger in sheep's clothing? His interview would be easy, just listen to his backlog of podcasts. Players love him. He'd fit right into that old Sam Hinkie low-key conference room, opposing GMs would never see this ferocious tiger coming-- just look at his face, is that the face of a kid going to screw you over with pick-swaps and stealing your young cheap talent for nothing?

Hi Greg Picker, you have nothing to do with this article, but our photo-editors are lazy

Mike Levin, Liberty Ballers writer, R2RS podcaster

Just bc this would be hilarious and highly entertaining, and bc there's 0% probability he'd be worse than ColangeLoser. You could always count on him actually picking a human being with 2nd round picks, just for entertainment purposes that would've been better than the last guy. He's pretty funny too, and when he gets all California on you, you can just fire him and by that time TJ will be ready to be a player-GM-coach and take over all the functions of the Sixers front office personnel. Shit, TJ could probably do a better job than the other 3 pro Philly sports teams' GMs while backing up Simmons at point guard. Just hand him the keys, but givem to Levin first to create a nice contrast to both Bry-Bry and TJ.

TJ McConnell

He's already coaching the 76ers when he's on the floor, why not let him pick the players too?