STILL HERE!

I have been going through my closet and clearing out anything that no longer fits me. I did this about 2 years ago. At that time I had been losing weight and had plateaued around 180–190 lbs. I had gone from a 26–28 in dresses or 275 lbs to a size 16–18 in dresses or 180 lbs. I have stayed there for 2 years. I am now losing weight again and am now at 168 lbs. Other than a handful of items everything I own is falling off me literally.

I just earned a little bit of spending money a few weeks ago. Now I can do some much needed shopping for clothes. I have a problem though. I hate shopping for anything.

I understand why I have hated shopping. For many years it was a depressing, fearful, humiliating experience. Each time I needed to get new ones I would have to get larger and larger. I remember the degradation I felt at my largest. Barely able to walk and never without a cane or a walker. I would see the looks of disgust and hear the snide comments from strangers, friends, and family alike. I stopped looking at my reflection. I stopped loving myself.

Wow, that was a very powerfully painful experience to go through. Now, as I lose weight and look at my reflection I still see the road map of stretch marks across my stomach. I see the sagging skin. I see what others laugh at and have ridiculed me for and still do. People can be ignorant.

As I look at my reflection now, I look with eyes of love. I see each stretch mark and scar as a lesson in acceptance, gratitude, and love. Now as I look around me I am seeing others as me. If my life could be torn apart so drastically in the blinking of an eye why not their’s? For 38 years I ate food I was allergic to and didn’t know it. I stopped ignoring what my body was telling me when I reached my bottom. How many others are at their bottom?

When I hit bottom I prayed…haha. Actually I believe I told God either He give me clear specific guidance on how to get out of the mess I was in or I was done and going to check out.

STILL HERE!