Am I a Bad Person if I Can’t Forgive Someone?
The need to forgive is being so widely taught nowadays, that we are being programmed that we have to forgive to be a kind, caring person and that if we don't forgive someone for a wrong doing then we will never find peace and happiness.
We may have real inner turmoil with this and start to think that we are a bad person if we don't or can't forgive someone, because the programming and messages being sent out are becoming so loud.
So what if someone has done something to you or someone you love, and you just cannot forgive them? Does that mean you are a bad person? - No not at all!
You are not the person who did the wrongful deed
Never ever loose sight of that fact.
Source - photo or tulips in local park
How can we stop beating ourselves up about not being able to forgive that person or people when there is so much 'spiritual teaching' that we should forgive?
Well, I have given this much consideration and I have done much soul searching and discerning on this very subject, because I found myself in this very situation, and being a 'Divine Energy Channel & Healer', this was a really major issue for me. I felt that if I didn't forgive then I was out of alignment with what was being taught by the spiritual community.
This caused me so much inner turmoil, at a time when I really needed love and support. As that was not forthcoming from others, I really needed to be loving to myself, be super kind and caring to myself and supporting myself through this really challenging time and instead of doing any of that, I was beating myself up, telling myself I was out of alignment, that I was not walking my talk and so was obviously not a very nice person! When I reached a point close to emotional break-down, I started to talk to my soul and ask for help and guidance on this issue.
Overall, I felt like there was no way I could and would ever forgive for this injustice, so I decided to break this down into smaller parts and see if I could find a way to resolve this issue.
Mind, Heart & Soul Connections
I went into my mind and asked if my mind would forgive - the answer was no.
So I went into my heart and asked my compassionate heart if it was willing to forgive - again the answer was no.
Which left me with my soul, which is my Divine Connection to all that is PURE, so I knew this answer would be yes, but when I asked my soul if it would forgive the answer was the strongest no of them all!
Now this was a big shock to me, so it was time to start to ask lots of questions and find out why my soul had said no to forgiving. These are the answers I was given.
1 - Our most important task in life is to look after ourselves and our own energy and emotions. If we are not in a good place then we cannot keep giving out good to others.
2 - We need to be true to ourselves and do what feels good to us. If something feels good then that is an indication that it is right for us and if it feels bad then that is a message that it is wrong for us.
3 - The other person is responsible for their actions not you. What has happened has already caused much upset and trauma and your future happiness should not depend on the person who caused this at all.
4 - The doer of the wrong needs to earn forgiveness, by taking responsibility for their actions, saying they did wrong and making amends and changing their behaviour. If they are not willing to do this then they do not deserve to be forgiven.
5 - No one has the right to make you feel bad or guilty or impose their views upon you, especially not someone who has no concept of the pain and suffering you have been through.
6 - We all have free choice, to chose Pure or evil. Divine does not condone evil, it repels it. Opposites repel, by the Law of the Universe.
Any beliefs that contradict the Laws of the Universe are false
If it feels ok to forgive someone, genuinely from your heart then great, if it doesn't then that is ok too. If your definition of forgive means it is 'saying it was ok for them to do what they did', then it is no surprise that your or my soul says a very strong no to this, because it is most definitely not ok for someone to upset, hurt, abuse, rape or murder someone else at all. This is not pure action, it is not loving it is not in alignment with our Divine Connection.
It is so easy for someone has not experienced the pain, trauma, nightmares and flash backs that you're living day and night, to say 'you need to forgive to be healed'. If the shoe where on the other foot would they feel and say the same?
One thing that can be paramount in whether you can forgive or not is to do with what is your definition of forgive? Your soul knows the truth and we cannot con our souls. If deep down you believe forgiving is 'saying it was ok' then you will be out of alignment with your soul and Divine Connection to forgive, which is why you feel so strongly that you cannot and will never forgive - this is actually a Divine Truth that the action was not ok.
Many people are saying to forgive is not about saying it was ok and this is how they justify this 'forgiveness preaching'.
What is most important is that you find a way to heal yourself and let go of all the stored hurt, anger, upset that will stop you from moving forwards into happiness, and it is really, really important to do this. You deserve to be happy and to move forwards into a carefree life without the black cloud of bad energy from the situation that has already done so much damage.
I recommend 'cutting of ties and all energies' that are connecting you to this person / people / situation, then when you ask your mind, heart and soul if you are willing to 'cut ties to this situation and all energies connecting you to this', then you will get a yes, because this is supporting you and your well being and is in alignment with Divine Truth.
If we stay stuck in hurt, resentful, anger, blame and any other low emotions then we are continuing to damage ourselves. When we let go of these emotions and fill ourselves with Pure Divine Energies then we are lifting ourselves into a Higher Frequency of Living.
At the end of the day, hurting someone in any way is wrong. Saying that it is ok for people to hurt others is another wrong, and I'm sure we were all taught that two wrongs don't make a right!
What happened was wrong, but you deserve to be happy and free of this black cloud, so work on releasing all the pain and emotions connecting you to this so you can feel happy and in peace.
And what about justice, you may be thinking. Well the Universe has it's own very powerful rules and if you ask for Divine Justice to be done, then I believe it will be done. Yes it takes much trust to keep believing, but the alternative is to live a messed up, unhappy life, so for YOUR sake, YOUR health & YOUR happiness, please do cut ties to this issue and allow yourself to move forwards into happiness.
Sending much Love, Light and Peace to you to dissolve all the upset, trauma and shock that you are feeling from any wrong actions that have come into your life. May you know be at peace with feeling you have to forgive if this doesn't feel right for you.
If you find it difficult to love and support yourself then please do read my book - Loving You. It is light-hearted and easy to read, with energy work throughout to really help you shift into a higher vibration and a whole chapter on how to deal with grief.
To read my other posts - click here
© Copyright Michelle Carter
Thank you so much for this article. So much good writing you do!! :) I know a lot of people will see this and feel such a sense of freedom and relief.
I will write about forgiveness in the context of karmic healing on my own page to not take up too much of your thread here. I completely agree that the mainstream notions of forgiveness in the spiritual community are very distorted.
What you said about determining our own definition of forgiveness is completely true. I don't think that forgiveness it is necessarily the key thing that brings about healing for victims who do not feel that justice was done anyway. In those cases, a lot of times it's more like the natural passage of time, and having a different focus in life is what brings the most healing... when someone gets to the point that they want to live their life and spend more of their time thinking about the experience of new things vs. reliving the hell of their trauma over and over every day. I understand that's not always easy in the moment. This is one of my complaints about our current mental health system - getting people stuck in storytelling mode, fixated on the one thing, reliving the hell into infinity, numbing it out with meds...terrible.
I believe that a lot of things happen because of Divine Law. Karma as I understand it, is essentially Divine Law. It's just one way balance is achieved and sometimes it takes lifetimes of pushing back and forth until someone decides to break the cycle. To me, that's what the karmic work is....deciding to break the cycle. The actual healing process is similar to what you offer as breaking the ties. In my work, each party energetically or symbolically returns or retrieves what energy may have been gained or lost in the exchange, and it has such a calm, wholesome feeling of closure and finality. Everyone moves on, with the wisdom of the exchange intact, but no longer with the dynamics of a connection anymore unless there is a mutual agreement for it.
Not everything that happens is karmic - and this is not at all to say that as victims, we somehow deserved it or brought it on ourselves.. As you said, I think our most precious gift is free will, and people can choose evil and initiate a karma in this lifetime if they want to. I think we see a lot of this when people have evil attachments which act out through them. The entity gets the thrill of the evildoing, and the person who was the puppet gets to bear the karma. There's more to that -but my point is sometimes wrong/evil are just wrong/evil with no rhyme or reason and it is not the responsibility of the victim to love it, or forgive it. I like the karmic healing framework though, because it helps to compartmentalize what happened and turn it into a useful teaching that can be learned from, therefore the situation doesn't have to always be a loss.
Thank you very much for the wonderful ideas and the discussions!
You’re welcome! :) Yes I do hear from people who feel so much freedom from hearing this and like a huge weight has been lifted.
I agree that time and releasing the pain is what brings about healing, along with having a new positive focus and aim for living, also acceptance and not blaming yourself or feeling guilty when you were the victim. Reliving the same story is so damaging and so not needed.
Yes there is much that happens that is total sabotage and much of what is considered karma can be a victim living out the karma that has been transferred to them through the attack / incident.
Evil is evil, I totally agree and we don’t need it! When enough people realise that and send out that Pure Intention then real change will happen! :)
You’re welcome, thanks for your great comments!
You answered your own question, as I thought you would. You don't need to "forgive" someone. You need to separate yourself from the negative and concentrate on the positive. You will only be hurting yourself if you don't.
Thank you for comments and support, most appreciated.
Yes it is about separating or releasing the negative and filling or focusing on the positive.
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