Love is...

Today, while I was sitting (alone as ever) in my little nest I got a stabbing pain in my head and I thought for a single moment about mortality and about how people can suddenly just die and we know that life is short we know it so well that we don't really engage with that reality. First Dates on TV tonight (don't you love it) a girl says "I've let so many people make me feel unlovable" (the perfectly lovable girl puts her head in her hands and cries). O jeez WHY ok because we get what we believe we deserve and expect. I grow up punished all the time by a parent who says she loves me but is cruel so I pick up and carry about with me the belief that love hurts. So when I find myself with a man who punishes me and says he loves me I say "Ah ok! Sure, this feels familiar (it feels right) and this (thing that hurts and makes me put my head in my hands and cry) is love" (it isn't). He never cared about how much he hurt me. And I knew it. (So I did this to myself-I believed I deserved to be punished-and I believed that was love).

Love is taking responsibility for somebody else's wellbeing. Is there such a thing as tough love-dunno. But it isn't supposed to hurt. There are different variations of it of course-doctors love (take responsibility for) their patients (wellbeing)in hospitals. Wellbeing is happiness, good health.

I get my stabbing pain and wonder if I'll drop dead and I think about how much time I wasted with the one who made me cry all the time. Was this a waste of my precious life and time (yes it was). Would it have been better if I was alone (yes). Would it have been better if I'd made sure I chose to be happier (yes it would). Was I loving myself by letting him hurt me (no I wasn't). Would I have drawn to me a sweet man with a heart if I'd have been loving myself more? Yikes.

Another lady on the same show (First Dates) says "I'm getting to the end of my life, so I need to be having some fun". Interesting, no?