How to Kill a Spider in 14 Steps (If You Must)

WARNING: THE TITLE OF THIS POST IS ONLY A TEASER. THE ACTUAL  INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW TO KILL A SPIDER APPEAR WAY, WAY DOWN AT THE BOTTOM  OF THE POST, AFTER A BUNCH OF REALLY INTERESTING SPIDER COMMENTARY. IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING A SPIDER EMERGENCY, PLEASE SCROLL TO THE END OF THE  POST NOW. 

Otherwise, read on. 

I’ve never really been scared of spiders. This may be due to the fact  that the house I was raised in was nestled deep, deep in the middle of  the woods, where spiders were such a common sight that to be afraid of  them would have meant living in a constant state of fear. In fact, I was  far more likely to encounter a spider than another kid. Come to think  of it, this may account for a number of my idiosyncrasies. But I  digress. 

To arm me with the knowledge necessary to protect myself in the  fierce wilds of Franklinton, North Carolina, my mom bought me a poster  with images of all of the poisonous snakes and spiders that are native  to my home state. That poster hung over my bed for years. In the  arachnid category, there were only two species: the black widow and the  brown recluse. Black widows are pretty easy to spot; they’re black and  kind of scary looking, and the female (the only one with a poisonous  bite) has distinctive red markings on her undercarriage. The markings  are usually shaped like an hourglass; which is meant to remind us that  our time is running out. (Just kidding. A black widow bite, while not  exactly pleasant, is rarely fatal.) Whoever designed the black widow should receive a promotion. Her sinister appearance serves as an ingenious early warning system for would-be prey.

Brown recluses are a little harder. First of all, they’re kind of, well…  reclusive. Even more so than spiders in general, which is saying  something. Secondly, they kind of look like your average small, brown,  unassuming spider. They are supposed to have a “fiddle shape” on their  backs, but it doesn’t look very fiddle-ish to me. More like a  nondescript, curvy thing. And many small, brown, unassuming spiders seem  to have some sort of nondescript curvy shape on their backs. So even  after many years of staring at this photograph of a brown recluse in the  morning while I was waking up, I still can’t confidently identify one. Whoever designed brown recluses ought to have their pay docked.

Anyway, I’ve always just viewed spiders as basically non-threatening  entities that kind of hang out on the periphery of everything. Innocent  until proven guilty. In the case of an alleged brown recluse, the  adjudication entails lots of indecision and referencing of the National Audobon Society Field Guide to North American Insects and Spiders, which,  if the verdict is guilty, nicely doubles as an instrument of execution.  Luckily, brown recluses are typically not aggressive and will wait  patiently for you to decide, as long as you don’t make any threatening  movements, in which case they will scurry under the nearest piece of  furniture, never to be seen again. 

There is one other type of spider that you need to watch out for in  North Carolina, according to the old timers. Not because of a poisonous  bite, but because it is reputed to be psychic. I am referring, of  course, to the writing spider.

She’s a beauty, isn’t she? Well, traditional wisdom dictates that  she’s also a killer. If you see a person’s name written in the writing  spider’s web, that person is soon to die. I have met some individuals  who claim to have witnessed this phenomenon firsthand. I can’t testify  to their level of sanity, though. I don’t personally hold with this  theory, but if you’re the superstitious type, you might want to consider  legally changing your name to something really long and hard to spell,  like “Mahershalalhashbaz”. And if you do see your name woven into the writing spider's web, please avoid operating heavy machinery for at least 48 hours.

It can’t be denied that there are some seriously scary spiders in the  world. Spiders that make the three previously mentioned in this post  look like fluffy kittens in comparison. For instance, there are those  spiders that lay eggs under your skin while you’re sleeping. Ew! You  wake up with an itchy bite that gradually turns into a big, purplish  boil, and a few weeks later, baby spiders hatch out of it. And then  there’s this guy:

Two words: Muscle Paralysis. Yep, pretty scary. But even a bite from  the dread Brazilian Wandering Spider, the deadliest spider in the world,  is rarely fatal, due to the fact that modern medicine has discovered an  effective antivenom. Also, the toxin causes long-lasting erection in  men, so, take that, Viagra! 

Irrational fears in general are not on my to-do list, and it sort of  irks me when people have them. But this is especially true of  arachnophobia. I mean, come on! Spiders are really pretty awesome. They  enjoy lurking in dark, out of the way places. They kill all kinds of  insects that can prove to be much more annoying or even dangerous. They  are often pretty to look at. And they’re just all-around badasses. They  make sticky thread that comes out of their butts and is as strong as  alloy steel, yet flexible enough to withstand hurricane force winds.  They paralyze their prey before wrapping them up in the arachnid version  of duct tape and draining their blood for sustenance. They have eight legs and eight eyes.  How awesome is that!? And they are possibly the most accomplished  artists of the animal kingdom. Sure, it kind of sucks when you  accidentally walk through a spiderweb, but think how the spider must  feel!

Ok, as promised, I will now offer advice on how to kill a spider. 

##How to Kill a Spider in 14 Steps (If You Must)

1. DON'T KILL THE SPIDER.
2. Seriously. What did that spider ever do to you?
3. Still want to kill the spider? Okay. But first, do the rest of the Earth's inhabitants a favor and determine if it is, in fact, a venomous specimen. Here's what you do. Place an overturned cup or jar on top of the spider.
4. Slide a piece of paper under the jar and quickly flip it right-side up. 
5. If you have performed steps 1-5 properly, you should now have a spider in a jar.
6. Now, get on the internet and try to identify the spider. Go ahead. Google it. We'll wait.
7. Is the spider poisonous? No? Refer back to step 1.
8. Yes? Okay. Now take a moment to think about how unlikely this spider is to hurt you or your loved ones. Seriously unlikely. Let that sink in for a minute.
9. Isn't the primary objective to Not Have Poisonous Spiders in the House? You've already got the spider trapped in a jar. Why not take it outside to the back yard, or across the street, or on your least favorite person's porch, or, you know, whatever distance is most comfortable for you, and release it?
10. Step 9 too humane for you? Okay. I suppose you may kill the spider.
11. Here's what you do: get a newspaper.
12. Roll up the newspaper.
13. Release the spider from the jar.
14. Smack the spider with the newspaper.

All done! Enjoy your temporarily spider-free existence, you murderous fiend! Have fun fending off all those extra houseflies.