If I can't go to the hell, who can?

ginafraser (51)in #soul • 6 years ago (edited)

A wonderful video--The king and his 4 wives
I think it is a very good moral story.

After my American husband passed away in China suddenly, I am demonized, being described as an evil Chinese woman/a golddigger by his American family. I have to admit that his American ex-wife is a wonderful writer, every time I read her blogs about his death, my heart can really ache, like being needled suddenly!

Her words have great killing power, anyone who reads them must feel the strong love she and their kids have towards him. She blames me in her blog, too. However, I don't want to defend myself. God knows everything! God creates life and God takes life. People can never be judged by people themselves, Only God can!

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I admit that I made mistake in this marriage, I really feel very painful and regretted. Many times I'd rather believe that my late American husband was only a dream, maybe he never existed in my life. However, everytime I read the posts of his American exwife, it reminds me of his authenticity. My God, if only I knew she still loves him deeply even if she took the inititive to divorce him (since she has had a new boyfriend/now her second husband) at that time! On no account can I marry a man who still has a wife! Especially that wife is such a powerful family leader and mastermind, I was doomed to be a loser! My marriage was a huge mistake from the beginning!

Some beautiful words from his American exwife:

The day they/(their twins) were born was a most joyous day. They completed our family in every way with personalities so different each sibling complimenting each other. A working team that would love & protect each other always. It's not a house or how much you make. It's not the cars you drive or the job you have. It's the moments that make up a team of a loving family and how to do what matters most like showing compassion and empathy, giving a helping hand to a neighbor or someone in need, cooking together, fixing things together, learning together, reading together, teaching right from wrong and most of all loving, respecting and protecting each other from harm. I am so very proud each one has learned this.

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My sister has a classic saying: The ignorant people are the most horrible. I agree with her completely. We are all living in our own world with our limited knowledge and belief/prejudice/fallacy, nobody can say that he/she is omniscient.

I shouldn't be involved in this big complicated American family. If my American husband was only my respected English teacher, I am only similar to a "foreign teacher" agency who introduced an English-teaching job chance in China for him, everything can become easier and simpler.

It is his Chinese school that should be responsible for his death in China, instead of me. He worked for them and devoted his life to helping so many Chinese students learn English and get the great chance to see the world(go to American college)! He was Such kind of American scholar who treated his job as his life! His American family shouldn't exert pressure on me to deal with his funeral in China lonely! How could I have the ability and qualification to do it? I even have no chance to pay a visit to US.

Unfortunately we registered for marriage officially in China, all of sudden all charges fell on my head: I didn't have regard for my American husband, I didn't care for him, I even didn't live with him together in China, I'm a golddigger, only wanting his money and American green card, etc.

God knows about the truth! I was nearly dead due to his death. If his soul calls on me, I can really die like that king's first wife in the above video. I am a loyal parter, his soul lover...

But I really didn't know how to love a man at that time, I didn't know how to play a role of wife. I got to know about my American husband online, not in reality. We only spent a few happy years online, not in reality, too. Suddenly from online to offline, it is claimed that we became couples, I was really not ready for it well, since he told me he promised not to remarry after his exwife divorced him. To make matters worse, I never thought our international marriage got into so much legal trouble and barriers in China. Thanks to the bloody Chinese male-dominated society!

If I were a man, I married an American wife, I make sure that the result could be completely different. I really hate to be a Chinese woman!

When I was in Nigerian airport customs , I was held up by the customs official due to lack of the "Yellow page"(a kind of vaccination certificate), after a long time of explaining --- I really didn't know that I should hold "Yellow page" except Nigerian tourist visa until before boarding the plane in Beijing airport, because other Chinese passengers all had the so-called "Yellow pages"-- it didn't work. I once checked some information online how to deal with African airport customs officials, the advice given by Chinese is all African officials love money very much, there's nothing not to be solved in Africa with money, so I told them that I would like to pay extra 100 dollar, it was still a stalement. At last I showed my Nigerian friend's photo and our chatting records on my phone, that Nigerian female customs official asked me if he was my boyfriend, I nodded, she stopped making trouble with me immediately, I unexpectedly went through the customs smoothly without paying any extra money. It turns out that Nigerian is also a male-dominated country like China, but US is just the opposite, US is a heaven of woman-- a country flowing a huge wave of feminism! My American husband once told me that his exwife even demanded him to pay the divorce, he was hurt deeply, his heart died. (So I always feel his American exwife is very evil, like they feel that I am an evil golddigger. Now I know it is not true, his exwife really still loves him.) After he passed away, his exwife also said that he owed her a big amount of money according to American divorce settlement, it is her who raised the kids when he was in prison. My God, my American husband had lost all his property, his pharmacist license also being suspended lifetime, how could he have money? But it is just American marriage!

(In China before marriage wife's family should charge a big amount of money from husband's family. There is the strict virgin system tradition in China. I believe most of Asian and African countries have such kind of marriage system/tradition. After marriage, wife's all property belongs to husband's family. It is just the so-called Chinese marriage! If wife wants to divorce husband, she has not right to ask for husband to pay her money. )

I love and respect my American husband like a student who worships his/her teacher. It is mainly due to the traditional Chinese Confucianism that prioritizes academic achievments over other pursuits, "万般皆下品，惟有读书高。 To be a scholar is to be the top of society." ---The sacred "Diploma System" has a long long long history of nearly a thousand of years in China from Sui Dynasty(581-618CE). If my teacher didn't tell me that he was ill, feeling uncomfortable, I really didn't know how to care about his health and daily life! How can a student take intiative to care about teacher's health condition? What's worse, my mother was threatened to be ill seriously only because I married an American at that time, all my attentions were shifted towards her, ignoring my American husband. (I really don't know who I should hate.)

I really don't want his American kids to lose their father, I really don't want to cause such a huge tragedy. I love his kids, but they hate me.

However, if they understand the special social and cultural background I am from, they must forgive me. I firmly believe that someday his older son can know how I really really love his father with my whole soul and life! If not for the true love itself, his father had returned to US earlier! It is really not my fault, it is due to our common ignorance! I have learned the huge political and cultural difference on marriage system between China and US to the fullness.

I accept my miserable fate unconditionally. Let me be that scapegoat, carrying my own cross!

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Just allow me to borrow a Buddihism term:

我不入地狱，谁入地狱?
If I can't go to the hell, who can?

My American husband had a Chinese dream, just like I have an American dream from childhood. If he didn't die so early and suddenly, our international marriage should have fullfilled each other's dreams perfectly.

Some great words from my late America teacher/husband(I love reading his emails to me crazily. Many times he was like a naive big boy):

I don't see any of his photos of being a boy until he passed away after I learned how to open Facebook, Youtube, etc. with a paid VPN. Thanks to bloody Chinese government internet blockade policy. He was really too handsome!

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Today I had a Chinese gentleman come in to the store with his son and mother (I assume that's who they were to him) and I thanked him at the end of his visit in Mandarin. He stood there shocked then asked me if I spoke Chinese. I replied to him in Mandarin that I speak a little, and that I was teaching myself. He told me that I spoke it very well. I could feel my head grow due to that compliment. I then said good-bye to them and the mother had a great big smile on her face. I have never spoke to someone in another language, outside on Spanish class, so it felt fantastic. I wish I had learned Italian when I was little. I've got to double my efforts now so I can do better when I get to China. I just wish I had someone in Palm Coast who I can speak with in Mandarin.

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The last but not least, if you love my content and photos, please remember to upvote and resteem my blog, thank you all!

I just blocked @badcontent who is like an abhorrent shadow in my blog comments, which just kills my American dream, like poverty kills my American husband's Chinese dream.
Not long before he passed away in China, he suddenly said to me that common Chinese lived a life harsher than American prison. He realized the amazing poverty in China, his Chinese dream collapsed!

To some extent, you can say that it is me who didn't grasp the precious chance to realize my long long long American dream in time by myself. I witnessed how my American husband was tortured by the terrible label--his criminal record(he was once thrown in prison)--which made him lose any chance of getting any decent jobs in US, his American wife was forced to divorce him, too. He was really very agonized, he tried his best to get rid of his stigma, he began to be interested in another kind of culture--Chinese Taoism. Before he died, I know he had opened all his heart knots--he witnessed the horrible poverty in China! Comparing to the poverty, who can care about the so-called reputation? Poor people can do anything only for filling the belly. For my part, his miserable death in China also opened my heart knots -- Chinese-style worship on Diploma. Even if a humble and poor Chinese peasant worker died, his boss/employer also should pay an amount of money to his family as death compensation, it is Chinese labor law. But just to see how my American husband died in China like a bubble in the air! His bloody Chinese school didn't pay any death compensation to me and his American family. (His American family don't know about Chinese labor law and tradition just like I am ignorant about American inheritance law. Without their cooperation and help, I got nothing.) How can they treat such a wonderful American scholar's death so ruthlessly? It is a kind of profanation of Confucianism! Or it is just because they know his value deeply, they told lies to his American family on purpose in order to avoid being charged a big sum of money for his death pension by taking advantage of his American family's ignorance about Chinese culture and law? His older son claimed that he was done with China and me angrily, and my father also began to curse my international marriage, it is just the result for me to dream to marry a big American scholar!

I just laugh at myself in the bottom of my heart! Go to the hell, my bloody extreme worship on diploma! I never worship it any more! But if my American husband didn't pass away, I can really be an honorable and respected college professor's wife now. A Chinese college just invited him to teach English the day before he passed away suddenly. Our huge happiness must be envied by God, too, so God took my husband suddenly.

Our fates are really too miserable!

On the other hand, his American exwife didn't want him to go to China and remarry from the beginning, she once wrote in her blog that she had an ominous presentiment of his going to China. She felt that I was not good.

In a way, his wealthy American family "punished" me by letting me afford all his funeral fee lonely, refusing to arrive in China and giving up the right to claim the death compensation from his wealthy Chinese school deliberately(American citizens can get Chinese tourist visa easily, but his American family is as face-saving as him, my American husband was just that kind of people, even if he was painful to death, he never showed it to anyone. After he left his life, seeing his photos of a big smile on the face, somehow I can't help shedding tears. He must have been ill heavily for a long time, but he still pretended to be easy and joyful. You can really be moved deeply by such kind of American-style heroic spirit, I really really love him more than I can say). Who can imagine he came to China only for earning his last funeral fee? Without the money he earned and saved in China, I really can't afford to pay it. Only the shipping fee of his bone ash from Beijing to New York cost more than 1,000 dollar, and it is via the special channel offered by American embassy in Beijing, since common express companies in China never handle the service of mailing bone ash abroad. The shipping fee is More expensive than the one-way plane ticket from Beijing to New York. My God, why did I marry an American citizen? Even if my American husband died, I am still not allowed to get American visa by means of his death certificate issued by American embassy itself. The reason is I have the "black record" of American visa refusal. Too strict. At that time it was due to my ignorance of American visa policy, I applied to American tourist visa wrongly, being denied. I should have let my husband help me fill in American spouse visa application according to American visa law. The horrible "black record"!

Oh, Chinese visa system is also the same complicated and troublesome for American citizens. My God, you can be tortured by them to death if you don't know how to do correctly. The best way is to apply for Chinese visa in HK, instead of Chinese mainland. Of course, it is very easy for American citizen to apply for Chinese tourist visa, my American husband's first trip to China left him a very good impression, everything surprisingly went well, all Chinese we met on our trip were warmly and friendly, we climbed the Great Wall happily together, so my husband and I never thought we could have so much trouble on Chinese spouse/working visa later. At least I really didn't expect it. Clike here, you'll know what I wrote is true. OK, let me stop at this point! The woman's jealousy -- because she still loves him -- a kind of rigorous love -- his once handsome and wealthy pharmacist husband who can do anything for his wife. But her love to him belongs to a kind of ultimate possessive love! My love to him is a kind of ultimate dedicated love.

Alas, my American husband graduated from a good college in Boston, with so many different academic certificates, they just became some waste paper before the very strict American credit system! It is really a huge sarcasm.

If anyone knows how I got my label of @badcontent in detail, you must forgive me. And if anyone knows how my American husband was thrown in prison, you must forgive him.

The only comfort to me is I have understood the true meaning of our life: Everyone is ordinary, it is an ordinary world. Anyone can turn from a Sparrow to a Phoenix if given the chance, and being ruined from a Phoenix to a Sparrow again. Wealth and fame are both illusions.

The most valuable thing in our mortal world is that you once love someone with your whole soul and life, and you are also loved by him with his whole soul and life! That's enough!

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I'm just that kind of loyal woman: Marriage is my religion! Once I agree to marry someone, my husband is just my God. I would like to dedicate myself to my husband: Yeah, I will go with you, no matter where you go, even if it is to the afterlife.

Such an anglelic and excellent American scholar! I know We all miss you forever! forever! forever!

If Christian/Jesus is true,(I am never a Christian, but I try to learn and believe it now.) at this time my American husband must have passed the test/judgement of God, being allowed to gain an eternal life in heaven directly.