I broke my sober September one day earlier than planned.

Not that far off from the goal, at least. I'm still planning to roll into soberish October and beyond.

October, I think we're shooting for weekends only (unless we do a Halloween themed event on a week day).

I wanna limit stuff to, you know... Holidays and special events... Generally never weekdays and not every weekend.

I need to moderate more than I historically have. I'm just not to the point where I think I could quit completely anytime soon. Like... if I was sober for an entire year or something... how would I even celebrate the accomplishment?

I've been a daily drinker for years. I don't want to be a daily drinker. I don't want to be a day drinker. I don't want to be an excessive drinker. I just... don't even know what I'd do for fun with other adults if I stopped completely. I'd, what... stay home and read and surf the internet, I guess? Watch some TV? It's really hard for me to envision what I'd even do with other adults if I cut it out completely. I've got pretty crippling social anxiety in person when I'm sober.

Don't get me wrong... I love a good book. That's my jam. I just can't envision what I'd even do with other people sober. Seems like any time I've tried to interact in a social setting sober, every cell of my body wants to run home screaming. I, like... clench up. My muscles tense. I just count down the seconds until I can go home. I become that "I'm literally shaking" meme with something as simple as a conversation about the weather.

I'm currently listening to Zuby interview Africa Brooke about alcoholism, and the fact that I rely on it so heavily for even the most rudimentary irl social interactions tells me I am an alcoholic.

But I can't quite wrap my head around what an alternative for me would even look like, outside of avoiding all social interactions and situations completely.

I'm pretty sure I could just not drink at all if I never left my house to socialize with other adults, but that's not really healthy either.

Ironically, cannabis increases my social anxiety. Any time I use it, even in small amounts, I tend to tune everyone else out completely.

Don't get me wrong, if I'm just watching a movie, reading a book, or contemplating stuff, it's fine and sometimes positive. But if anybody is around, I don't want to be.

It's so much healthier than alcohol in a whole lot of ways, but it hits me different.

Cannabis makes me so socially... indifferent... that I tend not to talk to other people or desire to in any way. It makes it awkward for anyone trying to interact with me and makes me desire not having anyone else around that might, you know... have an expectation that I'll interact with them. I only get socially anxious on weed when I'm expected to participate, and I'm only comfortable if I don't feel there's a requirement that I do.

When I was a teenager, I was a huge pothead, and I remember thinking specifically that one of the great things about it is that if I said something stupid, I could always blame it on being stoned. It took away any fear and let me be more open and creative.

As such, I was a total extrovert then. I'm a total introvert now, obviously.