An Email to My Sister for Her 30th Birthday

Dearest Sister,
Life? Life is busy. It’s hectic. Chaotic. Cars drive, ducks quack. Bakers beg and beggars bake. Actually reverse that last one. Bakers bake and beggars beg. Time flies and time drags. Time marches on. Days appear, and then they’re gone. They pile up like jelly beans in a bowl. Some days you remember. The outstanding, the terrible. The cotton candy and the buttered popcorn.
But most… well, they blend together. They were fine. They were… days. A test to study for, a bill to pay. A dinner to cook, a Costco trip to make. All together, they don’t taste like anything… at least nothing you’d recognize. A mishmash of flavor in your mouth. And the color always turns brown. At least that’s the color Skittles turn when they’re chewed up together. I’m not positive that it’s also brown in the case of jelly beans, but I don’t see why it would be any different.
And people… they come and go. So do the books and songs that at one point meant everything. The beliefs, outlooks, feelings and moods, even the ones that make you YOU… they change. Some get left behind. A pile of dead skin as you slither on. A new you. Every day. Every millisecond. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right. Snakes don’t eat jelly beans. I wish they did, so the analogies would work in tandem. Maybe one day they will.
Nothing is forever. But everything can never be nothing. Right? Live and learn. Live and live. Do you know how many things had to happen for us to be here? I do. Okay, I don’t. But it’s a lot. I know that.
A caveman crossed cave paths with a cave lady. He let her borrow his cave paint because she had run out mid cave painting. Cave love followed. Before their cave parents returned to the cave, they were making love in the cave corner with a half woolly mammoth painting on the cave wall. In that corner, they engaged in consensual cave intercourse. Later, their cave child did the same thing with another cave man or woman, and that pattern of cave intercourse continued for around… a lot of years. Many, many years.
Eventually, we were born. Did you see that twist coming? To be clear, the original cave people from a few sentences ago… they are our ancestors. You follow? And that’s how we have life! What luck.
Now this is where it gets confusing, so I’ll type slowly. You and I came from the same place. We started in Dad’s testicles. Then we made our way into Mom’s stomach (technical term). We stayed there for about 9 months, eating food through a tube attached to our belly buttons. A stomach straw. We missed each other in that warm belly by about 2.5 years. Probably good, because it was tight quarters at the end of my stay. I tried to keep the place neat for you. I exited one way and then you followed suit. We left through our mother’s vagina. Out the V and into the E. Earth. And there we met up for the first time. I knew a few words and you were shitting yourself. Some things never change.
This E where we met… a world of anguish and strife. Imbeciles leading, regions fighting and ice caps melting. So much trouble in the world today. It’s a dark and scary out there. But… maybe that’s the point. You don’t notice when someone turns on the light in an already lit room. We only have so much time on this E to taste, see everything, hear and learn. Then maybe we get a second helping (of food). And then possibly eat some more.
Love, laugh, cry. Feel pain to the fullest. Let it wash over you until you’re more cold and alone than you ever thought possible. Trapped in darkness. But… then find some light. Then you make more light, and you share that light. Bring it to everyone you can. Try make a million watts. Maybe even a million and a half watts. Share so much light that when you leave this E people will say “I remember that girl. Blonde one? Really liked ice cream. Kind of gassy? Yeah, I liked her. She made my stay on this E that much better. I’m glad she was here.”
Sister, I think you’re well on your way, big shot. A ringer. Keep on keepin’ on. Keep on truckin’. Take whatever exit you want. Eat all the jelly beans. Like I always say, “you may not recognize all the flavors in this hypothetical bowl of jelly beans, but at least its sugar!” Shed some skin. Find some light. You get the point. Unless you currently have 25 different flavors of jelly beans in your mouth. If so, there’s a chance you missed the point.
I’m excited that we will once again live in the same city. Excited to laugh uncontrollably, eat until we feel sick, and even excited to get so regular with each other that we can fully perfect the art of arguing and then and moving on. Part of the deal. Glad we’re in this world together.
It’s a shame we missed each other in Dad’s warm ball sack and mom’s stomach, but this will be our fifth city together. We meet again. Too bad we couldn’t have spent some time together in Dad’s scrotum. There’s not much of a bar scene, but still would’ve been fun. Oh well. Here we come new city!
Crazy that we were both at one point literally living in Dad’s testes though, right? Anyway, you’re like a sister to me and I love you a ton. I’m proud of you. Proud of everything you’ve done, and everything you’re putting yourself in position to do. I hope you are too. It’s honestly been amazing watching you grow up from just a tiny little speck in Dad’s ball sack to the smart, caring, funny and beautiful girl you are today.
Happy 30th! Love you!

Love,
Brother