A ray of light flitters through a gap in the blind, Filling this dark room that is my prison.
I take a drag from my cigarette exhaling the smoke, watching it curl into ghostly apparitions before disappearing like all things i hold so dearly.
I stub the butt into an over filled ashtray burning my finger tips.
I reach for an half bottle of bourbon taking a swig seething the burning sensation through my teeth before swallowing.
The smell of musty body odour lingers in the air, coming from my own body where i have not cleansed myself in weeks.
My belly aching from not eating properly, just scoffing on left over foods in the fridge and packets of savouries.
I stare at the wall where my fist had put a hole in the plasterboard.
This room starving for an argument to which i can only argue with myself.
I have pushed everyone " loved ones and friends " away.
She comes again to see me tonight.
She comes as if she blames me for her fate.
I watch her glide through the air. Her song suddenly plays on the stereo. I am not surprised it has played every night since she started haunting me.
The doors to the balcony blow open hitting me with a violent blast of cold night air.
Her silhouette passing by me exiting the apartment.
She ascends then disappears like before.

Let me tell you about the events that led me to become this way.

It was four days after christmas, we were preparing foods for a romantic night together after spending time with family and friends.
I was standing behind her, my arms wrapped around her holding her hands chopping the salads together. The smell of her perfume which i got her as a gift for christmas filters through my nostrils. So sweet she had good taste.
Her song comes on the radio " wild horses by the stones" such a classic. She had good taste there too.
She drops the knife and turns to me. Her arms grabbing my waist.
" lets dance " she whispers in my ear.
As we dance i can feel her satin vest through her shirt as i caress her back.
We dance and dance like we have no care in the world.
I pull apart from her still holding her hand as if to pull her back into myself.
Our hands start to slip apart due to the waters in the salad we had been cutting.
She starts to tumble backwards towards the balcony.
At first i jokingly smile and then i see her trip on the step of the door to the balcony, causing her to trip.
She spins around to grab hold off the railing but the force pushes her top half over.
Her legs start to follow. I run to her as she starts to completely go over.
Everything is like slow motion. My out reached hand desperately trying to grab her leg.
She disappears.
I get to the edge looking over, helpless.
I watch as she falls to the ground like a falling leaf in autumn.
What took in reallity around 13 seconds to hit the ground felt like an eternity.
Her lifeless body sprawled on the floor.
The innocence of the white snow turns a devilish red.
I drop to my knees pleading to god why.
I had one last gift for her this night. the gift of marriage and now she has gone.

The police and paramedics come. They ask me routine questions, and after thoroughly quizzing me leave knowing it was just an horrendous accident.

So here i am. Broken and bittered.
Nothing to live for.
I often think about following her down to be with her once again. To be in her arms. But then again what if it is true about suicide.
Never to see her again. I cant live without her, that is what scares me the most.
At least this way i can admire her beauty until i to am dust.