Envy at the beach

You arrive at the beach and a beautiful fine white film of sand greets your pale feet. The heat is almost unbearable on your soles as you hastily put your sandals back on, feeling weak as you do so. You are not used to such extremes as person of caution, a habitual smart shoe wearer, rarely deviating for the days weather. You remind yourself in a flash of thought that you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes, and this short memory brings you comfort, as you think of all the smart shoes you have worn throughout the years. You walk along the beach for a few minutes, smelling the salty air, looking at the people splashing in the sea. They are so easily pleased, you think. There is no real benefit for going in the sea, you feel that your days of public indecency and frolicking around in water are behind you. At fifty-five, there is no need for such behaviours.

You find a moderate gap between two families and place your towel down, which you then sit down on. The hot sand radiates up at you and you feel it is necessary to roll up the sleeves of your white shirt and also the legs of your jeans. It is awfully hot today, you estimate somewhere between 30 and 32 degrees centigrade, and there is not a cloud in the sky. You feel stress start to leave your body as you look at the ocean, the currents and waves swirling together is a wonderful sight indeed. You look away at the people around you, a family eating their lunch under a parasol, 3 young women sunbathing silently with their headphones in, two little brothers playing football in the sand. Your eyes are drawn to a couple, and you find it difficult to look away from them. There is something mesmerising about them, something pure and hypnotic in their interaction with each other. The way she looks up at him with long brown hair flickering in her face with the wind, totally in love. Totally open with each other with his arm round her shoulder, gently caressing her arm. You are fixated on them, you have not felt such feelings for a long time. Their innocent youthful faces, he with scruffy hair and she with beads in hers. They seemed rough in appearance, with their baggy colourful trousers and huge rucksacks with sleeping bags and cups clipped to the outside.

Normally you wouldn't give people like this a moments thought but they awake a deep pain within you, an ache unlike any other. You feel the wind get knocked out of you as repressed memories flash by in your brain. You remember the time when your first girlfriend looked at you the same way, when everything was so simple and perfect. You remember taking her to the fair, you remember holding your hand as you watch the fireworks. You remember laughing and rolling around on the grass together, play fighting. Everything was so pure,

So easy. When you had no enemies or vicious opinions, when you had no fear of loss. No expectations, no worries. You let out a deep sigh as you lay back and look up into the sky for a moment. You stop yourself. You feel like you have been violated in some way, being made to feel in a way you never prepared for. You hear them laugh with each other, a sickeningly joyful laugh. They don't stop. You feel they are laughing at you. Mocking your pain, mocking the fact that you are alone. Your admiration turns to resentment, your intense envy turns to disgust. You rid yourself of all positive emotions as you pack your bag and roll your trousers and shirt down as you leave in a bitter rage.