A confession behind silent tears of a mother.

I remember the day when I was very nervous taking the pregnancy test because I was afraid my instinct was just wrong. I even messed up the first PT because I did not bothered to read the steps on it.

It was a day delayed on my due for monthly period. My instinct hit me and says "MAYBE" I am. However, I managed to hold my tail and keep it myself first coz I might just a day delayed (for the record ,I never been delayed). The 2nd,3rd ,4th and here came the 5th day and I burst it to my beloved partner. I still cant imagine how happy he is to know that I was delayed and suspecting I am pregnant.

The tenth day came and I decided to take pregnancy test. I was even shy buying the material from the pharmacy knowing that I am 27 years of age already. It was funny, but of course I kept it to myself, the first test was invalid. I did not uvse the dropper and directly peed on it. hahaha I said to myself. I took the 2nd test and read the instructions first and was able to do it right. I saw 2 lines on it (positive). Yay!!! but wait, this must be wrong. I've read the research about pregnacy test are sometimes not accurate. I remembered my male college classmate took it ang got positive . He was a male and it was explained that even male gets 2 line on PT if he has UTI (Urinary Tract Infection). I think I still have UTI.

I saved the last PT for the next day. When I took it, i saw 2 lines again. YAY!!! 5 days after I went to the doctor to get a checkup. The doctor said I was 6 weeks pregnant and I was very happy. 😁😁😁 Finally , I will be a mom.

So many plans were coming in my mind. The name for my future baby, the impact to it to my family and my patner's. They will definitely celebrate. I was not wrong, indeed, the were very excited and happy for me. I read all the precautions and drink medicines and vitamins prescribed by my doctor. One thing I was not able to follow and that is to avoid from getting wakeful (puyat in FILIPINO).

A week after, I was excited from logging off and went to GOLDILOCK'S to buy a birthday cake for my sister @sheenaabelgas 29th birthday. The sun was very hot and I was rushing my self to get home. It was 11 am n the mrning and
feeling weird cramps on my tummy and lowrr back and when I went to loo only to see blood on my underwear.

I panicked but I calmed myself. I look ed for my partner and unfortunately he was gone already to get his motorcycle change oil. I called the attention of my sister and told her about it. She wants me to go straight to the doctor. I told her I would wait for my partner because I couldn't go the hospital without him.
Half an hour passed and he arrived, when he was told about my condition, I can see in his eyes the worry and sadness (He felt it too- the thought of losing the baby).

My OB doctor was not around ang it was weekend so we went to EMERGENCY. The doctors are available in ER every weekends. I was asked for many questions and was referred to another hospital to get an ultrasound (Transvaginal Ultrasoun) also called an endovaginal ultrasound, is a type of pelvic ultrasound used by doctors to examine female reproductive organs. This includes the uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, cervix, and vagina. “Transvaginal” means “through the vagina.”

We have waited for 3 hours just to get that laboratory test and it's result. I was in pain but I did not bother telling him. We both haven't sleep yet. He was just from work and I too. We headed back to the ER of the hospital of my doctor and they ask me time for them to read it. Indeed, we waited patiently while I'm nerviously in pain.

The doctor came back amd said a lot of things. But only one thing that marked on my mind. My brain couldn't take all the bad news that I have heard. I even tried to convince the doctor that they might be wrong and maybe there's still a chance to save my baby - my precious baby in me. I did not cry and asked my partner to talk to me when we get home.

I keep my pace and stood calm in front of my sister and the visitor and went straight to my room. They tried to read the laboratory test but they couldn't understand it. My sister and I was alone in my room and was trying to ask me to tell her the truth. Suddenly , I lost my voice my tears were falling off and I couldn't stop them. I layed on the bed and was trying to be alone. My sister stopped from asking and she hugged me tight. She was on tears to. Then my silent tears became loud mumble.

I was very upset losing my baby. my first baby to be. I just lost him. My plans were shutdown and I was blaming myself. Maybe it was my fault. Yes it is. I forgot my sister still hugging me . Trying to tell me great things that we still have and how God plans everything. I paused from crying but she wasn't. I calmed myself telling her to stop and everything will be fine. It was her birthday and I didn't want to ruin it. She told me she will cancel the celebration but I insisted not to. I told her that it's normal for me to cry and I will be okay later. I just asked her to let me stay in my room the whole day.

My partner came in and my so sister went out to face her visitors. We hugged each other and talked about it. I forgot the pain in my body and managed to sleep in tears.
I realized that it was same day when God took my bestfriend back. It was her Second death anniversary . Maybe I am not lucky on that day getting same heartaches. It breaks my heart that my baby and I will never be together anymore. Maybe God has his reason- a better one. I can't be weak and I should not be. I don't want to see my family see it in me and I don't want them in sorrow because of me.

It is hard. Still grieving silently . Tears are still falling discretely. Thinking there will be next chance. i hope so. I wish I can sleep tight and get dreams of me togeter with my baby. Maybe atleast it will ease the pain because I just lost my baby yesterday.