A blazing, wandering thought of the beginning. Just another day.

It was that fleeting hour of day when the moon held itself high right as the sun went down. Like many things in my life, these summer nights won't last much longer. I stood quietly on a hidden corner of the hospital. A corner that I can see people walking by but no one can see me. I blend into the shadows keeping an eye out for anyone intoxicated and stumbling their way to our emergency department.

A calm night for the security staff on our shift and only an hour and a half before we clock out for the evening. I finished another night of training I thought to myself. Accomplished but not feeling too satisfied. These training nights seem to go by fast but at the same time feel very long.

My team is half wonderful so far, literally half the team is amazing and the other half… not so much. I trust though, that the majority of them have my back and also would take a punch for me. We stress safety and de-escalating over sheer force which is something I am very good at. So why is it so grim when I think about my experience so far, I start to ask myself realizing that something is missing.

My thoughts proceed until I become lost in them. My supervisor isn’t friendly. I can’t read him. One minute I think he is okay and the next he is treating me like a child. I have been on a few calls with him and he doesn’t say a word to me so I ask a question in an attempt to start a conversation. He seems annoyed, like he really thinks I am stupid. The masks make it even harder for me to read him. Is this an assumption or does he really not like me? I watch him with my co-workers (all men). His body language is different towards them.

It’s been a long time since I have dealt with being the only woman on a team. Could it be that?

Let’s be real here, my job isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s not a job anyone can do. It is scary and the risk of getting injured is incredibly high. This same day one of our day shift officers got punched in the stomach by a psychiatric patient. A few days prior to that we had to lock down the entire hospital due to shootings and gang activity. (Another blog post awaits.)

We are dealing with patients that are so blitzed out of their minds that they see things that aren’t there or mistake a human for a dragon breathing fire at them (Yes, this is from a real situation that happened) or they have had such bad experiences in their lives from society that they associate anyone who isn’t like “them” to treat them in an inhumanly manor, rather than allowing others to treat them like they are dirt beneath one's shoes they treat everyone that surrounds them that way first.

I can understand anyone's concerns when they meet me. I am 5’6, small but athletic, cheerleader type, and when I am around the men I feel like everyone is towering over me. It’s the same feeling going through the fire academy many years ago. Everyone looks at me in disbelief.

Could this be the reason for his body language towards me? Or is he like this with everyone? I’ve been told that he micromanages and I’ll be the first to say he does some creepy micromanaging but that’s a different train of thought. What exactly is it that is missing from our communication?

I’ll never allow someone else to dictate what I can and can not do, I am quite aware of my short-comings, I think to myself further in my thoughts. Goal one of obtaining superhuman powers at my new job, prove to my supervisor I am awesome!

I smirk and start reminiscing about the time at our sister hospital when I was in the process of restraining a young male high on meth fighting us because he didn’t want Narcan. It must have been a sight to see, I was straddling his left leg on the bed and putting all my weight on him to hold him down and he was still moving a bit. I was like a feather that was attached to him, not a full grown adult.

But is this what it is, is he concerned for my safety? Is he sexist against women in the field? Or does he think I am a ditz because I have a high pony tale? Eh.. reading men can be so difficult.

My analysis comes to a complete halt when I hear the word “Fire” coming from a short distance. You always hear people in distress in the movies when this word is yelled but not his. He was completely calm and couldn’t wait to see the flames. We meet up in the street to see a glimpse of what metropolitan areas refer to as Tent City. The homeless (transients) set the trees a blazin.

I see it all the time on social media. People post sad stories about the homeless losing everything in a fire. What they don’t realize is they set the fires themselves. It’s sad but kind of funny if you think about it. I picture high homeless men doing their version of a rain dance to rap music around the growing fire. Some may call me insensitive but truth be told, you don’t know them like I do. Ironically this is actually how a lot of them respond. Good thing the fire department is close by because they respond in a matter of minutes before the fire climbs its way to where we are on the top of the hill.

“Surrounding our hospital is not only tent city but on the other side is a massive apartment building with section 8 housing?” Just another night in paradise.

You really can not make up the stuff that goes on here. Hollywood doesn’t even compare with their fake action scenes and lack of knowledge into the fields they film. Working at the war zone some nights can feel like you are stepping out of a movie that no one would believe.

Narcan- A drug that brings a patient out of their high by reversing the effects used in emergency settings to keep someone from going into an overdose.