The week I set into motion our plan of an open relationship… and the results. (Polyamory & Freedom)

Or: Opening my relationship & fucking other people Or: Part 1: The quest for sexual exploration.

I’m writing this surprised, a little bit high and quite confused.

Today was officially the “second” hookup date I’ve had in a week. Both have been with full understanding and consent from all three parties: my partner in crime, couple, the friend with whom I live with, whatever you want to call it, who knows and encourages this sexual exploration. In turn, I love him even more while realizing how incredibly unique, special and in sync with me and my needs he is; me, obviously since I am the one writing and actually promoting all this mess; and them, first and, second who from now on will be called, out of respect: First and Second -the numbers are just a matter of appearance, not of importance-.
Egon Schiele

Them, the unicorns, the third possible wheel, the pleasure givers and seekers, have both been briefed and both agree to the terms: none so far :) lets meet and see how we feel… if the sexual energy is there, if we bond… there is no clear focus or wish for future amazing sex preluded by hours of kissing, role-playing, laughter, and conversation.

No, I do not think I set my expectations too high. Do I?

First was amazingly brave at giving my friend his number & volunteering his time to provide me with a happy ending massage which he overheard I was missing and longing for.

Of course, I responded to that, who wouldn’t?

So immediately after I consulted with my “friend whom I sometimes live with and with whom I want to have babies” and he answered excited that he was happy for me, curious about it, and wanted to be part of my sexual exploration I messaged First.

After two awkward but sweet WhatsApp days, I decided it was enough and I asked him to come and meet me at my friend’s place. I was sure of what I wanted and as a witness, my shaved body. I also expected him to make a courageous and sexy move; to come dressed in leather, to grab me by the arm and just swing me somewhere… but… First is sweet, childish and timid.

By now you probably already know everything is going to go downhill so I will spare you the pain… First came; he was shy as fuck….really shy, unexpectedly shy and, of course, quite a downer.

We all smoked weed which we had been smoking since 12 midday, I tried some phrases, we offered him booze, I asked him if he wanted to leave, and after no clear response, move or decision I got the famous greenies… yes, ladies and gentlemen!… I got the greenies and so I got up and went to a room to take a nap.

I must confess this is not the first time this happens to me and I am not proud, but strangely enough this time I felt relieved and a bit free to just fuck off and avoid fucking him.

No vibe.

Today I’m coming back from an random second appointment -more like an audition- with Second -of course-, who appeared in the map one night after Frist because I was horny and trying to message an ex-lover by the same name and mistakenly messaged him, whose contact I have because we had matched on Tinder two years ago and probably talk for 3 days until I got bored.

He’s cool. We WhatsApped sexy for one and a half days. Intense, you know, exciting in the way: “I’m sexting with this guy I do not know and imagine the greatest lover on earth”. He is quite cool actually, smart, attractive-ish, thin, tall, glasses (yes like that kind)…. We had coffee at 11 am, talked about the world, smoked weed in his car and talked a bit more.

By then I had already decided it was not going to happen, not then, not ever… Well never say never…

I do not know if it was something in the way he moved his head or the fact that he was just so much more real and different that he who must not be named and I love which suddenly made me so awkward.

I just knew it… nah, this is not happening.

I keep seeing his mouth and thinking “do I have to kiss him, just because I accepted this date, do I really have to kiss him?” and so I knew it… you are done, you sexually free poliamory woman; maybe not forever but at least for now.

You miss your “friend you normally live with but not atm” so fucking much that every single fantasy you have been having has been with him, on his rhythm, his body, his smell, his dick…. so every single encounter you have now is small compared to his memory, of course, magnified by longing.

Life is weird. I want to thank First and Second for everything; for being cool and kind and patient with my greenies and my now future negatives. I want to thank them for being there available and willing to give me pleasure no strings or anything attached.

Nonetheless I am currently so blinded by the desire and -let’s call it love- I feel towards a person who makes me laugh even when I am blind with anger, who has never wanted to change an inch in me, and who encourages me and my fight for ultimate freedom in its absolute totality, that the only thing I want at the moment is to sleep three more weeks until he gets here and then… hold tight… -and of course, fuck him hard-

I want it all, I want the role play and the nakedness and the slapping and biting and fucking. I want to get high and crazy and crawl over his body; to wake up next to him and his hard penis; I want to kiss him and cuddle and fondle with…

I wish this experimentation process continues until I get, we get, to find amazing new pleasures, people, moments, experiences… but for the time being, I think I’m way more vanilla than either of us wants to think I am.

A girl who would really love to fuck around more….