Abstinence: For the Love of Yourself

The sexual instinct is a powerful urge which like magnet pulls the complementary sexes together. The desire continues our human race.
Infatuation is being mistaken for love a lot of times. Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion. It is an intense but short-lived and irrational passion for somebody or something. Love on the other hand is a feeling of tender affection for somebody.
Infatuation starts with physical attraction and comes with excitement to be around a person while love can happen without conscious intention. Real love does not expect anything in return. Infatuation usually brings jealousy and impatience; it is of the now. Love on the other hand is patient, forgiving, and tolerant; it is a gradual process. Infatuation is weakened by time while love is strengthened by time. The commitment that comes from infatuation is reckless as that is just to satisfy the all-consuming lust. Love thinks about the other person before acting hence, commitment to the other person is from a genuine intention. Look closely at infatuation and you will see that it is not real but delusional. Love is not only real, it is unconditional.
Relationship is built on purpose. However, many people in a relationship do not even know the reason they are in the relationship. In such a situation where purpose is not known, abuse becomes inevitable.
The purpose of a relationship is for mutual appreciation. Partners appreciate each other for who they are. A relationship is also for the purpose of the growth of partners. As they evolve together with time, there can be a possibility for a lifelong commitment in marriage. It is in a relationship that you find someone with whom you share your deepest feelings and emotions.
These kinds of benefit require trust and trust takes time to build. This is one of the biggest problems with the “get together” culture of today. It skips over all the emotional relationship and trust building and jumps into a physical and very personal act without the emotional backup.
Chastity is something valuable as the way we guard our sexuality before marriage. But it is increasingly hard to do with all the peer and cultural pressures telling us to do the opposite. However, the arguments for chastity are not, “don’t do it”, “sex is dirty” – they are about valuing yourself, protecting yourself from making premature commitments and keeping sacred the sexual union for marriage.
Sex before marriage is not proper because it involves lust not love. Sex is for two purposes – procreation and union (between husband and wife). An unmarried couple cannot truly unite as God intends. God who gave us our sexuality intends them to be married and to be open to life when they have sex. Then sex is sacred, holy, beautiful, pure, and good. Outside of that sex is wrong. If only one can think without the butterflies or the emotion beclouding reason, this can be seen.
Planning to get married in some months’ time there seems to be all sorts of “reasons” why not to wait especially knowing that you want to marry him or her. One argument would go that sex is an important part of marriage so you should practice in advance. But it does not work that way. Sexual intercourse is not like playing football or tennis. Sex is a gift God gives us and you don’t need to practice to become “good” – it is a basic human instinct and married couples learn together very quickly. The basic ingredients for a good sexual relationship are mutual love, respect, and a real sense of caring about the other person’s feelings.
Another argument would say if you really love someone you should prove it to them there and then. Love can be confused for desire. Too often, a girl or young woman is convinced or rather confused to have sex as the only way to prove her love. But real love doesn’t have to be “proven” that way. Love is not a selfish emotion. It requires two people to respect each other and make sacrifices. If a guy and a girl are really in love, they would certainly not ask each other to assume the risks that go with teenage or premarital sex.
Marriage involves a total commitment before God, your community, and your family. The formal ceremony makes that commitment public. And that should not be taken lightly. “I love you; let’s have sex”, is not commitment. But when you get married, you are assuming responsibility for what happens in your marriage – including what happens when you have sex.
The prohibition for the unmarried is not just to deny something pleasant but to protect something precious. For singles, sexual relations are not essential to full personhood and happiness.
A young man with sexual desire may want to ask how far he can go with his girlfriend without sleeping with her: “How far is too far?” That is a wrong question. You should start asking, “How close to God can I get her?” Until our hearts are transformed, it will be difficult to determine where to set the physical boundaries in a relationship. Where do you end up when you operate with the “how far is too far” mentality? More often than not you end up going right up to that boundary and inching it forward each time you visit it – from touching to kissing; kissing to smooching; smooching to necking…to sex that may not have been intended.
Purity is not simply a matter of staying on one side of a line that we’ve drawn. It is a battle involving our hearts, mind, and bodies. A guy may be looking for the opportunity to cross the line but may not have found it yet. So, that he has not crossed the line is not proof that he is pure. Whenever you consider doing something with a girl, consider how you want a guy to treat your future daughter or future bride and treat women accordingly. Often we get so involved in intense relationships that it is hard to sit back and really look into our hearts. We should strive to do this however.
So where does the line go? For starters, know that the line begins in your mind. As soon as you begin to lust after a man or woman, stop. The more you become sensual and physical in a relationship, the more the relationship revolves around that. Chastity is about showing respect for yourself knowing your self-worth.
As a man, imagine a beautiful young woman you hope to marry telling you she had never even kissed anyone because she wanted only her husband to know the touch of her lips. If you would be so honoured by her integrity and purity, then make the woman you will marry feel honoured in the same way.
One thing about chastity is that no one who practices it regrets it. A girl does not cry after a break up because her ex-boyfriend did not sleep with her. A guy is not scared to death because his girlfriend is not pregnant. When it comes to chastity, we regret what we have done not what we have saved. Chastity therefore is not only for God but also for the love of yourself.