What's the Point

This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to have this conversation with myself. I don’t remember when but the last time I tried, someone was behind me critiquing what I was writing. Could be happening now but I want to get this out. I don’t have a point and direction to my life. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I will not aim for, things that I know don’t interest me in the slightest. I want to be a dragon killer. I fell in love with that concept the first time I heard it, the idea of taking on the monsters of the world. And the worst monsters are the ones that people create for themselves, the demons that they put in their own way, the dragons that guard the treasure of their true potential.
So that’s where I need to start, conquering my own dragon. But what does it look like? I’ve been obsessing over the idea that once I start to change, to make myself into a better person, that I won’t recognize myself. I’m afraid of change because I don’t know who I’m going to be on the other side of the changes. Even though I can’t give an accurate description or picture of who I am now, I have no idea who this other person I could be/should be is. What if I don’t like him. What if he’s only good for the people who want me to change, because that isn’t who I want to be. What if he’s someone I hate more than I hate where I am and who I am now? I don’t know and I won’t know until I try. But I do know what he isn’t. None of the characteristics I want to have such as patience, wisdom, pride (properly applied), love (of myself and people who love me and have helped me) and strength of will to defy without question or hesitation the will and whims of people who aren’t for me, are things that I will never stop aiming for so a better me must have them. I will not accept anything short of it. Keeping that in mind, I’m not afraid of the future. I don’t know what will happen one second from now but I know I’m aiming for a balance to my sins (Pride, Lust, Sloth, Envy, Wrath, Gluttony and Greed), a purpose to my life and a legacy that I will be remembered for when I’m gone.
First is patience. With more patience, I will have a better understanding of time and how to use it better. I need to act when appropriate, move when the time is right, be prepared so I’m not caught flat footed more than is absolutely necessary which is only when I can’t help it and I get caught off guard. More patience means more time. Patience also means I don’t over react. A patient man can’t be manipulated into rash action or compelled to act outside of his best nature. He can’t be pressed into a situation that he can’t control. He can’t be pressured to move. He is also calm, centered. There is peace in patience. So first, I need to work on my patience. Because right now, I am easy to move. There is a razor thin line between me and my sins. I wear my heart on my sleeve for the world to see. I’m a raw nerve, exposed and bleeding. But I don’t have to be that way because with more patience I can know when to step away to collect my thoughts. I will know when to distance myself from people, not to run from them but to better understand what they want and need from me.
Second, I need to work on my discipline. How much of my time am I willing to set aside for the things that I say I want? The answer is, of course, however much it takes to achieve my goal but that is the simple fact answer to that question and doesn’t take any discipline. The harder answer is how much of the time that I want to devote to leisure or pure pleasure will I sacrifice for my goals, to make myself in the person that I want to be? The first answer that comes to mind is all of it. Why not? My vices will always be there if they are really mine. Now if they are just the convenient distractions that I use to sooth my anxiety and boredom then giving them up is going to be a net positive.
Last one, for today and as an immediate goal, is perseverance. As long as I come back and try again, my failures don’t matter. The only failure that matters is to die without trying. As long as I am alive and I am willing to try again then I will be one step closer to achieving whatever i’m aiming for. People have tried to compare my video game playing to sticking to a task until it is completed but there was a piece missing. I would blame them but that was only part of it. Them using that as an example at the time wasn’t the right thing to say but I do need to apply the same stubbornness I have for not giving up in video games and apply that to life. There isn’t a reset button on life but as long as I’m not dead I can always try again. Failures hurt my pride but being afraid of trying just because I might fail hurts my soul and will.
So the point, the point is to aim for something and if nothing else fail in the attempt.