RE: Is physical beauty more important?
I havent yet given this kind of advice to a female, but I along with many of my friends have gone through such trials. Anyways, here it goes...
I like to think of myself as attractive, and my friends all know what a 'good guy' I am, but being a 'good guy' doesn't really translate to success in finding women. Yes, physical beauty is important, and a beautiful mind is more so yet, but (at least in my opinion) finding a mate is a much more spiritual concept.
What matters is the question 'what do you really want, love or lust?' If the answer is lust, you'll have no problem finding counless sexual partners willing to fill that role (no pun intended) but love, on the other hand, takes a certain special someone. Sure, you can have love for anyone and anything from your childhood pet to your favorite shoes to that certain place you go to when you need to clear your head, but to fall in love and be in love means to create an indellible soul-bond. Once made, nothing can erase it... not anger or betrayal, not drugs, not even death can undue that connection once its made. Because of this, we naturally guard ourselves and wait for someone we truly harmonize with. You might have a crush, but is it based on love or simply infatuation and lust?
I'm sorry if this is a little too much or not quite enough, but if you want to hear my thoughts and some more specific advice then I'm gonna need a little backstory first.
I couldn't agree more about the love opinion. I do think that love doesn't last only one night in bed. It is far more than that. As about the specific advice, surely I would love to hear more of your advice, it seems pretty rational.
Lust is easy, you just have to find someone you can connect with on a superficial level and spend time with them without either friendzoning or chasing them away. The better your skills, the more of a success rate you'll have. Its important to get good at this bc your gonna need some of these skills, so a good place to start is The Game by Neil Strauss, focusing especially on his breakdown of inner game vs outer game, as the philosophy he gives is pretty spot on. To simplify it all, outer game is your appearance and expression, its your body, your clothing style, hair, make-up, posure/body language, speechcraft, and above all else, emotional energy. Its what determines how people judge you on an immediate superficial level. This outer game is an extension of your inner game, of who you are and what state of your life is. Inner game is key to finding a relationship, or at least one that's not based purely on physical affairs.
Your problem exists in one of these two areas, and to save me the time it takes to speculatr this is where some backstory would help...
Remember that this is the internet so it goes without saying that you shouldnt be too specific with your replies but I have a few questions that may seem personal but how you answer is a little more important than what you answer so dont worry too much about the details but please be honest:
How would you rate your physical apprarance(1-10)?
How do you think others would rate your physical appearance(1-10)?
How confident would you say you are when you talk to people you'vejust met?
How confident do you feel when speaking to someone you feel is more attractive then you?
How attractive would you say your best friend is?
Are the crushes/people you are attracted to part of your friend group or just people you meet?
How satisfied are you with your home life? Your work life? Your financial security?
How would you describe your physical fitness/physical activity?
2.I think others would give it a 5 (because I wear make up)
3.I think I am confident when I meet new people and talk to them but my inner voice would ALWAYS judge me.
4.I would feel very uncomfortable (because I think that they would not want to spent time with me)
5.I think she catches attentions everywhere she goes. She is attractive enough to make people look twice.
6.They are people I meet a few times during a month. (mostly we are "seen" in social media)
7.To be honest, not satisfied at all. My family is consisted of many toxic people who never allow me to change. Whenever I want to change a habit of mine , they hit me with the "You are not like that" phrase. I don't work. I am studying literature. And I can say that I am doing pretty good (I love to study). As for financial security, I am thankful for what I have but there are things that are turning out as an obstacle because of a low financial status (such as not being able to continue college in better universities.
8.I am not active because my parents are very strict and do not allow me to go and do activities outside with my friends. Or if they do any day, they would give me a short amount of time (like an hour or less)
I can't thank you enough for spending your time for explaining things further to me. I appreciate every single word you write. May you be blessed with all you desire!
So its seems as if your problem is with your inner Self....
First and foremost reject social media. It is a tool to be used to share ideas, knowledge, thoughts and creation, not a basis for judging your value. Steem seems to be a great exception to the norm, but the great majority of social media sites are used mainly to express superficial vanity. They can greatly reinforce the way you see yourself, and either encourage your positive growth or negatively wear on your inner psyche.... When you judge someone's worth based on a headshot and instagram pictures you don't truly see them, you see the image that you think they are (its amazing how much of a difference lighting and camera angles can make).
All these problems you mention can and most likely will be changed by the river of time, its a slow process but looking back at where you once were its amazing to see how much growth truly happens without our conscious minds ever noticing. Your quest for knowledge and philosophy will greatly sharpen your mind if you feed it well enough (knowledge is to the mind what food is to the body, if you put good in you get good out but if you feed it shit you'll get nothing but shit), and eventually you'll move out on your own and be stronger for facing the struggle for without pain and strife there is no evolution.
The old adage goes that real beauty lies inside, because your outer self is the reflection of your inner self. Every thought you have and every emotion you feel gets sent out as energy into the world around you, attracting those along similar wavelengths and repelling those on opposite ends of the spectrum, which is a new-age way of saying that when you feel good about yourself everyone around you can sense it, attracting others who are happy and repelling those who arent (the ones who arent seem to love throwing off their negatives at someone happier then them).
Secondly, get active!
Human beings were not meant to be sedentary, alot of negatives both physical and mental come to us when we don't move and do stuff because, whether you believe in evolution or intelligent design, we were made to do work. We weren't quite meant to fly, but we were given legs to walk and run, muscles to lift heavy stuff, and arms to reach and climb.
When you exercise, your mind become more clear, focused, and sharp, your body releases endorphines and hormones to return balance and peace to an over-stressed mind. You wake up feeling energized, alive, and hungry for life. The more you do, the more energy you have to do more stuff and the easier everything from walkng up steps to lifting a bad of groceries becomes.
It is key for all of us to find a gym, whether its in a backyard, a friends garage, or a multimillion dollar facility (mine was the lake I grew to love). Get out and walk in the early morning light, hear the sounds of a world waking up to the rising sun, or go for an easy jog around the block. A month in the gym will realign your entire perspective (the first few weeks seem rough but only because the mind's self-conscious tendencies get in the way of a good workout) and a mere week of running will help you throw off negatives like a moving meditation. The mind-body connection is all too important for one to to allow oneself to reject physical activity.
Sorry if all this is a little much, changing your self-image and fostering love is a long, slow, and sometimes difficult process. It is easy to get discouraged, which is why mankind has evolved to become communal, so we could encourage, inspire, and push each other to succeed. Change is often the hardest thing to someone who is set in their ways but again, without challange and strife there is no evolution. It takes grit, toughness, and determination, all of which can only be learned from one's own Self.
In my case, my friend Kai is more charismatic, outgoing, and far more attractive than I am. Its not that I think of myself as inferior, I just know that I can't compete with a 6'4" physique bodybuilder when it comes to pure looks, and while I am more of an introvert he has a hugely egoic need to constantly be the center of attention.
What he has in outer game, however, I have in inner game and could easily match and counter his game (seriously, sometimes all it would take was the occasional poke prod as I sat back and watched him make an asshole out of himself) . Because of these differences we made a pretty great team when we weren't stepping on each others toes in the occasional 'out-alpha the alpha' competition.
That said, as successful as we were, I kind of preferred to fly solo or with a different friend group bc I found that as beautiful as the women we met were, I didnt really harmonize with the type of women that Kai would typically attract and vice-versa. Over time I realized that I didnt really desire the same things that he did and acted accordingly.
Now I can freely say that you are a wisdom machine. Every word you said I'll let it sink in, for the sake of changing the negative into the positive. You did things that even my parents and besties would not even be able to do, because they never seem to understand me. I know that thoughts and emotions are the nucleus of the beauty, but when you get distracted of what society thinks is beautiful, you forget to think rationally. That shit is tough, I have to be honest. I think I'll make an update in the following months, hopefully telling the news I always wanted to tell myself. As for now, I seriously have no idea how to thank you, if there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know. God bless you!
Thanks for the kind words, but not all that wisdom is my own its simply what I pieced together from the thoughts of other great minds... Our world is like a computer, with a multitude of programs built into it. I feel that its up to us to learn and teach the rules of the many different natural systems operating around us so that we can work with, not against, the universe, so no thanks is needed. There's alot to the process of self-love, and I'm more than happy to share what I know and encourage you in your journey. Nobody can do it for you, though... Like with Morpheus in The Matrix you are the one that had to take action, to walk through the door and face these strughles. Take these first few steps and maybe look into the law of attraction (The Secret is a great film about it), but know that they are only tools to use, as there is no single simple solution to the problems you experience. Please keep me updated, I'll do what I can to try to help and guide you, and please check out some of the thoughts and writings I'll be posting soon enough I think at least some of it will be a great help. Feel free to ask me anything and remember, its easy to get discouraged but there are many good souls around willing to help.