The right words

I have a hard time trying to find the right words to say, but when I do no one really listens I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I try so hard to seem normal, but i always end up saying something in a way people dont seem to understand and make myself look weird. I focus on the tiniest of things and can't make myself let go. I want to be like everyone else, but my brain gets in the way and I can't seem to get past this. I don't understand social cues very well and that makes it hard to make friends amd form relationships. I remember one time a few girls from my school were talking to me and I thought we were becoming friend they were pretty cool we had a pretty long conversation I don't really remember what all was said but a friend interrupted and when they left he told me that they were making fun of me. That whole time right to my face and I didn't even see it. I didn't believe it at first I thought he had to be mistaken but afterwards I realized he was right and that wasnt the first time someone had done that to me. Over time I slowly realized that most of my life that's what was really happening with a lot of the people who I thought were my friends. That still hurts. I miss the days when I could be so naive, just believe that these people were my friends. Now that I know that people have been doing that to me my whole life I have started to learn what and how people do it but I still miss it sometimes only realizing later that it has happened again.
Now I try to keep to myself but it really hurts. Im afraid to tell anyone anything about me because I'm scared I'll just be the butt of another joke. I don't know how best to explain how I feel so I try to just shut up. This is autism, thats what I've learned. Not full on autism, but a 'mild' form of it. It makes me afraid and anxious and cautious around people especially new people. I'm always scared that they'll do it too.