"The tears that we shed when we sow the seed will become songs of joy when we harvest the wheat."
(Psalm 126 TLA)
I break, screams my anguished soul; hit by the force of a tsunami of emotions; it hurts, it bleeds, I cry and I can not shut up the voices in my mind that discourage me from continuing to fight for my dream. Kneeling in front of my bed, I cried and asked the God of heaven for an opportunity, I repeated a thousand times that I did not want to disappoint him and that if he said yes, I would do everything in my power to fulfill him.
Time passes and I feel that I have failed. I can not stand it anymore, I decided to believe, to love, to fight, but I surrender to the impetus of my own pride, which with disdain enjoys my defeat. Full moon witness of each tear, each whispered word crying out for forgiveness and fire within me; but the heartrending silence, the indifference and the rudeness of the wind that threatened to overthrow me have achieved their purpose.
I decide to keep silent, a thousand meaningless words will not manage to prevent the cold from ruling my heart. Jesus saw me, I love myself when no one else did it, in the midst of my imperfection he made me feel valuable before his eyes and that is the hope that fills my mind and my whole being today. To feel that first love again, to have the security of being special and unique to the one who accepts me as I am, is the only thing that sustains me on my feet.
I am at point zero, hopeless and hopeless. I see it coming and I bow before its presence because I need its healing power in this precise moment. There is no joy anymore but I will sing again, because the Prince of Peace marches victoriously towards me.
I long to make up for lost time, nothing makes sense if He is not with me. I love him, I need him, my plan is fulfilled, the purpose of having passed through his life has already been accomplished. The time has come to continue, to rest, to step aside to allow it to grow and become what the Lord already has planned for him in the future. He is right when he says that I do not stop complaining, that I am nobody to judge and point out; I am just a woman in ALL the sense of the word that today decides to keep silent to let it work. I do not have the power to change my reality, I am just a simple mortal and my happiness is in his arms.
It is wonderful the way traveled. I know that God listens to me and understands me, is close to me, takes care of me and prevents me from suffering any damage. (Psalm 34.17). I do not believe more than He has made of me. A sincere, honest, principled woman; I have persevered, but I have forgotten my first love. I have allowed the desert sun that is inside me to dry my illusions.
I decide to believe once again, to strive to make our relationship one that honors my love for you. What I am belongs to you, I visualize my present and my future with you, until the end of my days and after leaving. I have faith, I cling to my promises knowing that there are conditions that I must fulfill and I assume my responsibility. I will try until you say no more, I will be attentive to your instructions, to act according to your will, just give me the strength I need to overcome my own self.
"If I speak in human and angelic languages, but I do not have love, I am nothing more than a metal that resonates or a cymbal that makes noise. If I have the gift of prophecy and I understand all the mysteries and I have all knowledge, and if I have a faith that manages to move mountains, but I lack love, I am nothing. If I distribute everything I possess to the poor, and if I give my body to the flames to consume it, but I do not have love, I gain nothing with it. "
(1 Corinthians 13. 1-3 TLA)